Introducing My Baby...

Tatum Blake Roush

Born on Friday, July 19, 2013, at 6:17 AM

6 lbs. 12 oz. and 20 1/2  in. long

In honor of Tatum's 4 month birthday tomorrow, I have decided to finally write his birth story. Here goes!

Everything had been going like normal, other than the fact that Jaymeson and I had Carbon Monoxide poisoning 10 days previously, which meant I would have to go to fetal monitoring 2-3 times a week. During those appointments, they discovered that my baby was not creating any amniotic fluid (because of the CO poisoning), and my levels were very low. They had talked about maybe having to induce me if it got too low, but at that time I was okay.

On July 18, I was officially full time at 37 weeks. I woke up and went to work like normal, although I noticed that I had started to leak something. I didn't really think much of it because everything is always so weird when you are pregnant, and went about my work day. Throughout the day it got worse, where I was going to the bathroom every few minutes because the pads I was wearing were full. (TMI? Sorry.) So I started to think, what if my water broke? I texted me wonderful neighbor, Chelsea, to ask her what it feels like when your water breaks. She is the mother of 4 children, and always has really great advice so I thought she might be good to ask. She told me her thoughts and then recommended that I call my midwife.

Well.... I really didn't want to call my midwife, so I just went about my day. Then I thought, maybe I should ask Jaymeson what he thinks. So I did. He also told me to call the midwife. I thought about it for a little while, and then I decided to call my midwife. I explained what happened, she asked a few questions about contractions and such, and then said "Well, come on in. If you're not going to have this baby on your own, then we are going to have to induce you." I hung up the phone. Looked out of my office door, made eye contact with Megan (a fellow pregnant co-worker) who asked if I was ok, and I immediately started bawling. I was not ready to have a baby! And I definitely didn't want to be induced.

Some of my coworkers came into the office and tried to calm me down. Another coworker ran upstairs to tell my boss that I was going to have a baby and that we would be leaving soon. His response was "Well, better take her to the hospital. We don't have any towels." Why am I not surprised at that response? ;) Meanwhile, the leaking continued. I called Jaymeson to let him know that I was going to the hospital and they said they would induce me. He informed me that he was all the way out in Springville (close to an hour from the hospital) and wouldn't be able to leave until a replacement came. (It's like my worst fear about labor was coming true.)

I got to the hospital, checked into labor and delivery, put on one of  those awful gowns, and waited for a nurse to come check me out. They hooked me up to the fetal monitors that I had become so familiar with, and then checked to see if my water had actually broken. During this process, we could see that I was having pretty steady and strong contractions, however I didn't feel any of them.

They lifted my bed and shined an obnoxiously bright spotlight at my baby making areas to check for my water breaking. They kept referring to something called "Ferning", which I eventually found out was how they could tell if your water had broken. They swipe your vaginal area with a swab, put it on a slide, let it sit for about 10 minutes, stick it under a microscope, and if they see ferning (the shape of an actual fern plant), then your water has broken. Well... they came back, and said that it hadn't. So I asked what I could possibly be leaking, and they didn't have any answers. I asked them to please check again to see if my water had broken, because I knew that it had. They lifted my bed again, got out that annoying spotlight and did their "ferning" process again. While we were waiting for the results, someone came in with an ultrasound machine to measure my amniotic fluid. It was lower than it had recently been, but still not too low, so they determined that part of the fluid was being hidden. 15 minutes later, they came back with results of the ferning test and said that my water had indeed, not broken. I, again, asked what I could possibly be leaking if my water hadn't broken, and the response was "You must have a yeast infection." Right. I have absolutely no signs of a yeast infection, I am 37 weeks pregnant, and I am leaking,  but no, I just have a Yeast Infection. I asked them if they could at least check me for dilation, in which they responded that they would do that at my next appointment, which wasn't for 6 days. Ok then.

They gave me a prescription for antibiotics to clear up my so-called Yeast Infection. I got dressed, checked out of the hospital, and went to get my prescription. (Side note, I think the worst thing about being pregnant, is going to the hospital, thinking you are in labor, and finding out that you are not.) My plan was to head back to work, but by the time I finally got my prescription, it was close to 4:00 and I didn't feel like it. So I left the hospital, let Jaymeson know I was being sent home, and headed over to pick up Jayah from her moms.

On the way to Jayah's mom, I started having contractions that I could feel and were painful. . They came out of nowhere and where immediately only a few minutes apart. I picked her up, and she begged me to take her swimming at Jaymeson's mom's house. We went home to get our swimsuits and then headed over. My neighbor called to see how everything went at the hospital, and could tell that I was in a lot of pain while we were on the phone. She recommended going back to the hospital, but I of course didn't listen because I didn't want to get sent home again. (Reminder, always listen to Chelsea. She knows best.) So I went on my way to my mother in laws.

Once we got there, the contractions had gotten even more painful, and she could immediately tell that I was in a lot of pain. I kept having to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't. I was doubled over on the couch trying to handle these contractions. I couldn't concentrate or respond to anything anyone was saying to me. I remember being in the bathroom, and my friend Cassie called, and even she could tell I was having a hard time!

Jayah kept begging to go out to the pool, so we decided to head out there and get me in the water to see if that helped at all. By now, my mother in law was almost positive that I was going to have a baby that night. We had started to time my contractions and they were about 2 minutes apart for over a minute long. I asked my mother in law to call my midwife and she did. She explained the situation to the midwife on call (also the one who I had seen earlier that day), who's response was "Well, she can come in if she wants, but she's going to be disappointed when I have to send her home again." She also said that I could have contractions like that for days before going into labor, to which I thought, NO WAY can I have contractions like this for days. I am completely dysfunctional like this. In the meantime, my friend Stephanie (who was due 9 days after me) had heard the news that I was having contractions and was texting me. I don't remember anything we talked about it, but I am sure that it was along the lines of freaking out, and oh my gosh you are having a baby.

After getting in the pool (which made it worse), we decided that I needed to go back to the hospital. My mother in law called Jaymeson (who was still out in Springville) and told him that I would be having the baby tonight and he needed to get home to take me to the hospital as soon as possible. After what felt like hours (was probably really only an hour), Jaymeson got there, picked me up, and we headed to the hospital.

Throughout my whole pregnancy, I had decided that I wanted to have a natural birth. At least, I wanted to try. On the car ride there, I was in a lot of pain and made the decision that no way was I going to try to do this natural. We got to the hospital, checked in, and I immediately asked the nurse for an epidural. She told me that she couldn't give me an epidural because they weren't sure if I was in labor or not, but they could give me some pain killers to take the edge off. Yea right. That stuff didn't work at all. All I remember about this part was that I kept telling Jaymeson how stupid this was ("this" meaning the pain), and how much I hated it, etc. Haha!

They lifted my bed up, got out the annoying spotlight again to check for ferning, came back about 15 minutes later and confirmed that my water HAD broken and I was dilated to 3 cm.. Thank you for confirming what I already knew was true. Luckily this time, it was a different midwife so I didn't scream at her for sending me home earlier when she shouldn't. I liked this one also, because she was the one who was there during the CO hospitalization, so I was familiar with her, and she was really nice.

After they confirmed that my water had broken, they brought in the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural. Once the epidural was in, I was in HEAVEN. It seriously, was the best thing ever. And I will never even think about doing a natural birth again.  I was calm, I wasn't in pain, and Jaymeson and I were left sitting there talking about how crazy it was that we were going to be having a baby that night. Shortly after this, Jaymeson's mom brought Jayah to the hospital to hang out with us. We played some games, watched some tv, and talked about what her baby brother would look like.

Shortly after that, Jaymeson, Jayah, and Jill left to get food and pack a hospital bag for me. (Reminder, don't wait until 37 weeks to back your hospital bag... just in case.) About half an hour after they left, they called to see where I was at. I had dilated to a 7! They hadn't even been home yet, so they raced home, then they raced back to the hospital so that they wouldn't miss anything. Jaymeson told me that Jill was driving 80 miles an hour the whole way back to the hospital.

A few hours went by, and I was still dilated to a 7. My contractions were still 1-2 minutes apart for over a minute long (though, luckily I couldn't feel them.) My midwife had decided that she needed to do something to speed up the labor, so she gave me some Potocin. At that point, they checked to make sure the baby wasn't breached or anything like that. They found out that he was head down, but he was face up. They said that I could still delivery him that way, but that it would be more difficult. So they decided to try to get him to turn by having me lay in certain, weird positions until it was time to push.

By then it was after 9:00. Jayah had fallen asleep, Jaymeson was falling asleep, and Jill was texting me parents keeping them updated. Hours passed, and I was left awake watching stupid middle of the night tv shows and waiting for something to happen. Finally, 5:00 AM or so came around on the 19th and my midwife told me that the baby had turned face down, it was time to push. Holy cow, this was it! I woke up Jaymeson and Jill and got ready to push.

How come nobody warns you about pushing? Pushing was by far, the hardest part of labor. It was so tiring, and there were times where I didn't think I could do it. I pushed for about an hour, and out came my cone headed, bald baby boy. At some point during pushing, I had taken my glasses off. So when he came out, and they plopped him down on my chest, I really couldn't see anything. The lights were dim, and I was honestly too tired from pushing to care. Then they took him away to measure him and everything, and brought him back.

They informed me that because he was in my belly too long without any amniotic fluid, that he had a fever and an infection, so they were going to have to take him away from monitoring and antibiotics. I got to hold him for a few minutes, wake up Jayah to hold her new baby brother (yes she slept through the entire delivery process), take a picture, and then they took him away. They finished cleaning me up and then wheeled me to my room where I would be spending the rest of my time at the hospital.

I didn't see Tatum for a few hours after he was born. You know how mom's will say that they fell in love with their baby the moment the laid eyes on him/her? That wasn't the case for me. It took me a few days to really fall in love with Tatum. And I really believe that it was because I didn't get to spend any real time with him while we were in the hospital because they kept taking him away from me for testing and antibiotics. Jaymeson had to work all night the night after Tatum was born, so my wonderful mother in law came and stayed with me at the hospital. When Jaymeson came, he was of course exhausted, so he slept all day. Then he had to work again all night. And slept all day again, the next day. So, I spent a lot of time alone.

Because of the lack of oxygen to Tatum's kidneys, he was not pooping or peeing like he was supposed to. They were worried that his kidney's might be defective and talked about having to keep him longer even after we were discharged. I did not want to leave my baby at the hospital by himself! Luckily, just before we were discharged, he pooped and they let us take him home. We got him dressed in a cute outfit and put him in his cute carseat and headed home. It was the craziest feeling to me and I was completely overwhelmed.

We pulled up to our house and I sat in the car bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed and I didn't know how to be a mom. I contribute a lot of the reason that I was so overwhelmed to the fact that my house was a disaster. We didn't know, or even expect me to go into labor so soon, so we hadn't prepared at all. My wonderful mother in law could sense that and hung out at our house for a few hours and deep cleaned everywhere. I love her and I am so grateful for her. It was really hard for me being so far away from my family, and having none of my family there for support, but she took such good care of me. I couldn't ask for a better support system and mother in law than her. :)

So, now my sweet baby boy turns 4 months old tomorrow and I am so in love with me. After I had him, everyone would ask me if there was anything about having a baby that surprised me. My response was always, "I never knew that I would love him this much." And it is so true. I love Tatum more than anything in the world and the past 4 months have been the happiest of my entire life. He is perfect and wonderful and I am so grateful to be his mother. I love you baby boy!

At 4 months, Tatum is very vocal. He talks all the time and is very opinionated in his "words." He smiles so big when he sees me and his daddy, and he loves to be held. I am no longer able to nurse, so he drinks from a bottle that he can hold himself. He wakes up every 3 hours or so to eat and then he goes right back to sleep. He loves to hang out in his Johnny Bouncer (even though he can't bounce himself, he just likes to stand in it.) He was blessed on October 13, in Texas with my family. And he is the light of our lives. Here are some pictures of his life so far (sorry they are out of order):

1 month old

1 month old

2 weeks old

1 day old

2 Days old

6 weeks old

3 months old

2 months old

Almost 4 months old

Baby Boy Roush

We are having a baby boy!! He's super cute and super healthy, and he's got all of his organs and body parts! Even Jayah was excited it was a boy!

We had my NuMom2Be Study Thursday night, where Jayah was able to come with us. The first thing we did was the gender ultrasound. Jayah was hugging on my arm and laughing, and only slightly disappointed that it wasn't a little sister. But we told her the next one would be. :) It was really cool because we got to see him opening and closing his mouth and sticking his tongue out. He was even holding his legs up over his head with his hands. Poor guy looks so so squished in there! We got a video of the ultrasound, which is really cool. We can watch it at home on our DVD player, but so far that's the only place we have been able to watch it.

Perfect Baby Boy

 

The next morning, we had my regular doctor's appointment with Dr. Evanson (who I am still not a huge fan of. Maybe not her, but the whole experience at her office.) Just me and Jaymeson this time. We did another gender ultrasound first thing, confirming that it really was a boy, and then she showed us all of his organs and everything. We got another video of this ultrasound with the heartbeat. I am trying to upload it to the blog, but it's not working.

After the ultrasound, we met with the doctor and talked about possible "birthing plans". I'm still honestly, very unsure of how I want the delivery to go, other than non-complicated.

His perfect little foot.

 

We are very excited for a baby boy. Jaymeson has had the name picked out since we started dating, but I'm still warming up to it, while looking around at other options. We have also decided to do a Dallas Cowboys nursery. I figure if I'm having a boy, he's probably going to follow in his Daddy's footsteps and play football, rather than his Mommy's and play soccer. I'm ok with that though. It will be cute to watch him grow up learning to play football with his dad.

Also a major plus: His dad is super handsome, so he's bound to be super handsome too, right?

My next appointment is in 6ish week. I'll be 24 weeks and a little more than halfway through... thank goodness.

Other Roush news: Jayah turns FIVE in a little over a week! How crazy is that?! She is getting so big and learning so much in her Kindergarten Prep class. She is also starting a mini soccer camp with her school coming up. I'm really hoping she loves it, because I would LOVE to be her soccer coach. She's learning about teeth, and the days of the week, and even learned the letter "Q" this week. She already knows that quiet and quick start with letter Q. She knows how to spell her name, Mommy, Daddy, love, baby, and a few other words she loves. And she has my phone number memorized.

His perfect little.... boy parts.

 

Jayah and I are also performing in "Music Man" in a few weeks. We are just in the chorus, but it will be fun to be on stage and dance with her. She did "Annie Get Your Gun" last year, and made the cutest little piglet, and townsgirl. This year, she is also a townsgirl, and a perfect little drummer. I just get to stand on stage looking fat, in a pretty blue dress. :-P

We are also, hopefully, moving soon. We have kind of kept this on the down-low, but we are BUYING A HOUSE. We haven't said anything because we have had so much bad luck with home-buying. But this one, is hopefully working out! I've been really frustrated with my realtor, and also the lenders. It seems like every day they tell me something else that they need, pushing out the closing date further and further. We've been "about to close" for about 2 weeks now. As of yesterday, we should close by this coming Friday. I hope that's true, because we only have 2 weeks until we have to be out of this apartment!

If any of you are master cleaners and/or painters, we could use your help! We have to clean and paint our new house before moving in. And then we have to super clean this apartment to avoid their ridiculous moving out fees. All the while, me being pregnant, and unable to do most of those things.

 

 As for pregnancy sickness, it seems to be getting better, but still there. I always think it's getting better and then it comes back to bite me in the butt. I really really really REALLY hope it goes away soon, because I hear it comes back with the 3rd trimester. I still haven't felt the baby move yet, but hopefully (I think hopefully) soon. The ultrasound technician said he's kicking me all over and has his head buried in my bladder, so maybe it's a good thing I can't feel him just yet. ;-)

 

5 more months until we get to hold him in our arms!!



 

 

 

 

Thank You Sweet Stranger

They always say good things come to those who wait. They also say when one door closes, another door opens.

Today, I am a witness, and a testament of both of those statements.

I knew that me losing my job recently happened for a reason. I didn't know what it was, and I had no idea how or when I was going to find out, but today... I found out.

Let's back track. The day I lost my job, lots of coworkers, friends, and family reached out to help in any way they could. Lots of warm thoughts and kindness, lots of pick-me-ups, and LOTS of job leads.

One coworker recommended a friend who worked at a similar law office up in Salt Lake County. She gave me her number and I contacted her later that night. We texted back and forth several times about the job. I learned that it was essentially exactly what I was doing for the past 3 years. The office was down the street from my house, and the pay started at MORE than what I was making at Myler.

Needless to say, I was excited and hopeful that this would work out. The only problem was that I would be this girl's replacement, and that was contingent upon her getting another job.

We texted almost every day about the status of her job search, pros and cons about the position I was looking for, and other random things. She was a really nice girl, and she made me feel very confident about this job and my ability to do well in it.

A week had gone past and I interviewed for lots of other positions. None of them offered as much pay as I needed, and there was still no news of a new position for my new friend. She continually texted me to keep me updated, but I was getting discouraged. I emailed her my resume and she regularly checked in with me to let me know of any news.

Yesterday, I received a text from her saying that she got the job and that she would be turning in her two weeks notice the next day. She stating that she would hand in my resume when she turned in her two weeks notice and put in a good word.

Today, I received a text from her saying that she turned in my resume, and less than one minute later, a phone call from the office manager asking me to come in for an interview as soon as possible. I was so excited!! I had a few other interviews scheduled, and I needed to pick Jayah up from school, so I carefully planned out my schedule to make sure to do it all and get to each appointment on time.

I made it on time, even a few minutes early, and sat in their conference room waiting to meet with them. I met with the owner of the company and his office manager. It wasn't even an interview. They were so impressed by my resume that they knew they wanted me right away. I met with them for about 45 minutes and we laughed and talked and made plans within the company. The owner had to step out for a little bit, so I continued the "interview" with the office manager and then I was dismissed.

I walked out of the conference room and on my way out the door, the owner yelled to me "You'll be coming back, right?" I told him that I hoped so and walked out to my car. As soon as I sat down in my car, I got the call. I had gotten the job.

I have been BEAMING the last 3 hours because I am so excited about this new opportunity. Losing my job was devasting, heart breaking, and unbelievable to me, but I knew that something good would come out of this. I will now be working at a job that is down the street from our home, I will be making more than what I made after 3 years at the previous company, doing the exact same thing that I am so familiar with. They pay for my health insurance completely, and I start off with 12 days paid time off. Those 4 things, in itself, make this job 10x better than where I was before. I have the opportunity to grow majorly within the company, and so far, I get along great with every person I have met. I cannot express more, how excited I am for this new opportunity.

So I want to say "Thank You" to that one, sweet coworker for referring me to this awesome opportunity. And I want to say "Thank You" to that one, sweet, stranger whom I have never met, for caring enough and following through and helping make this position happen. I am so grateful to her for keeping me in mind and helping to provide this wonderful opportunity to me. I can't say that I would have ever done the same for a stranger before this moment.

The Day I Became a Wife and a Mother

Hello everyone! You are now looking at the new Mrs. Jaymeson Roush! Woo hoo!

Our wedding day was definitely everything we never imagined. And I mean that literally.

The day before the wedding, my dress got lost at the dry cleaners, the flowers we ordered didn't actual get ordered or delivered, and some... other drama. My dad, my sister and I spent the entire day running errands and putting last minute things together. Jaymeson and his friends went out for a little bachelor party that night, so it was just me, Jayah, my mom, and my sister hanging out and packing for the honeymoon. We finished some last minute honeymoon shopping at about midnight and went back to the hotel for a blessing from my sweet brother and grandfather, and then bed.

I woke up early early the next morning (wedding day) with a stomach ache and back pain. I was able to spend the night at the Hilton Garden Inn with my mom and sister. They had snuck out before I woke up so they could get me breakfast in bed. When they came back, I was already awake and the second I saw them, I immediately cried. My mom laughed because it was kind of ridiculous, and then talked to me for a bit about my nerves and helped me to feel better. She told me that she would never forget that moment. Her daughter, on her wedding day, sitting in bed, watching cartoons, eating breakfast, and crying her eyes out.

We ended up finishing our food, and then rushing out to go take care of some last minute errands. Including getting my ring cleaned, buying a special surprise to give to Jayah at our ring ceremony, and picking up AND delivering the flowers that were supposed to be delivered the day before. I was supposed to meet with my good friend Cassie (also my hair and make up artist) at the hotel at 11, but I was of course, late. I got there shortly after and was surprised that she brought my long lost best friend, Stephanie, with her! She ran to gave me a hug, and I cried again. I couldn't help it, I was nervous, and stressed, and anxious! haha

Cassie and Stephanie helped make me and Miss Jayah beautiful for our big day, and then we rushed over to the temple.

Our sealing in the Jordan River Temple was set for 2:00 PM. Jaymeson, true to his colors, was 45 minutes late. (We were supposed to be there at 1 to work out paperwork, etc, and 1:45 comes around and along strolls in my handsome almost-husband.)

The sealing, however, was the best part of the whole day. We walked into a room full of family and friends and people who supported us. I was shocked. I looked around the room and literally cried because of all the love and support I felt in the room. (Ok, I practically cried the whole week, but really this was an emotional moment for me.) I sat down next to my sweetheart (who was nervous as heck) and listened to the sealer share some beautiful words. And then we got married! It was amazing. Jaymeson and I looked into each other's eyes the whole time and all of my fears washed away. I knew that he was the man I was going to spend eternity with, and I couldn't have been any happier.

Afterwards, we were greeted by so many loved ones outside the temple. We took a few pictures and dismissed everyone so we could take pictures of our brand new, official, family.

Afterwards, we left for our ring ceremony and reception. The ring ceremony ran late, but it was short and sweet. Jayah played the part of flower girl perfectly, and my dad walked me down the aisle. Jaymeson's brother Blake "officiated" and it was pretty cute. We exchanged rings, and gave Jayah a gift for her to remember our special day. Then we had the reception.

Practically nothing went the way that we planned, and after about two weeks of being emotional and thinking about it constantly, I have decided that it doesn't matter and it's not worth my time to talk to about it. The place was beautiful, the pictures are beautiful, and we are finally married. And that's all that matters.

We left for the night and headed home, woke up early in the morning and headed off for our honeymoon. Honeymoon was awesome, but I'll save that for another post.

Being married to Mr. Jaymeson Roush has been, so far, the best 3 weeks of my life. Jaymeson and I didn't have the easiest dating life, we have had to deal with and overcome practically every challenge in the book. Being a new mom to Jayah is also pretty amazing. I have been a major part of her and her dad's life since she was 2, so we are pretty used to each other, but I love being able to say that she is my daughter. She makes it easier than I ever would have thought this would be. Although it's only been 3 weeks, I know, without a doubt, that Jaymeson and I are supposed to be together, and Jayah is supposed to be part of our little family. Being married to him is definitely different and a thousand times better than being married to... well, you know. And our family is a solid one. I can't wait for the years to come, watching Jayah grow, and adding new additions to our perfect family.

Several years ago (and by several, I mean like 10), one of my most favorite people in the world mentioned to me that every time she sees her husband, she thinks to herself "Wow, that man is good looking." I don't know why that stood out to me so much, but it was something I always thought to myself would be cool to have, but probably wouldn't happen to me. But it did! Every time I see Jaymeson, I smile to myself and say "Wow, that man is good looking." :)

 















Shout out to Dave Neeley Photography. It is because of him that I no longer worry about the bad things that happened at the wedding. Him and his lovely wife, Cassie, took a very frustrating day and gave us beautiful pictures to look back on. I couldn't be happier with our choice of photographer and can't wait to see the rest!

For a sweet little sneak peak of the reception, click here!!

What I wanna know is...

...how in the world can anyone claim that any sort of physical relationship, with someone besides your spouse, while you are still married, is NOT cheating?

Right?

So, I had a little fall out with my ex today. Lovely. We rarely talk to each other,  and when we do, it is always very cordial, to the point, and then goodbye. Now, this little gem from my past is getting married in a few weeks. One, it has come to my attention that certain members in his family have that strange idea that I want to keep him from getting married. And two, the same certain family members seem to be in denial of a few facts from our marriage.

Someone that I really look up to, who also happens to be a member of that family, told me her story shortly after my divorce. It's very personal, so I will not share. But basically, she was very much wronged by someone very dear to her. She hid it for so long, for fear of what people would think, fear of doing the wrong thing, and fear of hurting someone's feelings. She held it in for so long, that it eventually became unhealthy for her. The wrong-doer eventually passed away, and she finally realized that she did not need to hide the truth any longer. It wasn't that she needed to make sure to shout to the world what really happened, but that she needed to respect herself, her health, and her future relationships by "owning up" to the truth. She told me her story so that I would know that someday, I would be there too.

There's something about owning up to the truth with yourself, and with others, that is healing. And after this little falling out, that's where I am today.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I do not agree with divorce, in almost any circumstance. But in mine and my ex's case, I do. That was a hostile marriage. It was unhealthy, and unhappy, and going to take more effort than it's worth to make it work. We both could have done things differently, but ultimately it was his decision to get divorced, and despite all of my efforts, there was nothing I could do to change that. I believe that he expected marriage to be something very different than it is, he expected things from me that are not realistic, and he didn't expect to have to share his life with someone else, or to have anyone to be accountable to. To be frank, he was not ready to be married. He longed for the single life, and he managed to find a way to experience it although, we were still married. A decision had been made, the papers were signed (or soon to be signed), but we were still married. (FYI: A marriage is not a marriage when you sign the marriage license. It is a marriage when you sign the marriage certificate. Then, and only then, is it legal. Same with divorce. A divorce is not final once the motion is filed. (Although some people like to use that as an excuse.) A divorce is final once it has been signed by the judge. Then, and only then, is it legal. Take that up with God if you have any questions.)

With that being said, my divorce was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I went through Hell and back, and recovery was hard. But I made it through quickly, and I have been so grateful to not be married to that man since. There have been times where it has been hard. Not because I wanted to be with him again, but because it's hard to go from being married to being single all because of one piece of paper, within a matter of minutes. But overall, all of that pain was worth it.

He is getting married very soon, and I couldn't be happier for him. I don't know who he is now, or if he is ready for marriage this time, but that's not my concern. Sometimes I hope that poor girl that he met online is smarter than I was, or that things will be different for them. But I really do not care either way. If they make it work--great! If they don't--well... great! It does not matter to me. Believe me, if it did, you all would know about it. I am in a very happy relationship with someone I never would have found if it weren't for Jon, and I am grateful for Jon for that. But I wouldn't have things any other way. So...congratulations to both of them!

Maybe Zac Brown could tell it a little better?

Does that resolve anyone's concerns?

In 2 days, it will be one year from mine and Jaymeson's 2nd first date. In about 2 weeks, it will be one year from our first kiss. And I am so happy! Jaymeson and I have been through so much together. We both came out of very hostile, unhealthy, and unhappy marriages, and we found each other. We were friends, helping each other heal for about 6 months, and then it just clicked. Out of nowhere, we couldn't get enough of each other, and then we started dating. And that's the way I've always wanted it. We started out as friends--best friends. And that developed into a strong and successful relationship. We are celebrating his 26th birthday this Friday, as well as the anniversary of our 2nd first date, and I am so excited!

If there is still any doubt about the way that I feel, feel free to direct yourself to my pictures. You will never see either me, or Jaymeson happier, than you do in those pictures.

Speaking of Zac Brown... his concert is next weekend! Woot!

Amen!

The other day I was talking to Jaymeson about a certain person who I claimed I would wish bad things on. (I wouldn't really wish bad things on this person, but sometimes it's fun to think about... haha.) He laughed and said that he thought that if anyone, it should be my ex, because he ruined my life. My immediate response to this was, "No, he didn't. He made it so much better!" And that he did.

My heart was definitely broken into a hundred pieces a year and a half ago when Jon decided he wanted a divorce, out of nowhere, and for no significant reason. I didn't know where I was going to go or what I was going to do with my life next, and I definitely didn't want to do it alone. But let's be honest... I'm pretty sure I fought the divorce so hard because of the embarrassment of being divorced. Especially after one short year of marriage.

Today my best friend Stephanie (that I miss SO much) found a quote that she wished she had expressed to Jon before our divorce. You see, Stephanie and her husband Jonny, were mine and Jon's BEST FRIENDS. We did everything with them, and I think besides our families, they were hurt the worst by our divorce. The quote said "Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make the decision right." When she said that to me, my instant thought was exactly what I had expressed to Jaymeson. That was the right decision... at least for me.

Now, I don't agree with divorce, to ANY degree. And this might make some people pretty upset. Jon made a stupid choice. But his stupid choice, allowed me to have a second chance at happiness, at finding myself, at finding that person I really do want to spend eternity with. And for THAT, I am grateful. I am so happy where I am in my life, and I know, without a doubt, that I never would have gotten there with Jon. Yea, Jon and I could have made it work, and given the chance, I would have done everything I could to make that marriage work. But I never would have been genuinely happy, like I am now. And for that reason, I agree with OUR divorce. 

With that said, I am currently going through a second divorce. What's that, you say? Yes. A Temple Divorce. 

I apologize in advance for all the Mormon jargon that's about to get tossed around. If you have questions, feel free to ask.  

My ex is getting married, and although we all know that a "sealing clearance" should be asked for... it is what it is, and I'm happy it's being done now instead of later.

Everyone's always told me that once the sealing was cancelled, it was gonna be like getting divorced all over again. And to be honest, for a split second, when I mailed my letter off to The First Presidency of the Church, I thought "Crap, I'm not going to be sealed anymore." But because I have great faith in Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, I know that even if something happens to me, it will all work out for my good. The official cancellation hasn't gone through yet, and probably won't for some time, and it might be sad for me for a second...

(**Disclaimer** Not BY ANY MEANS (despite some belief) because of any feelings towards Jon, whatsoever. Just because of the sacredness of something like that being taken so lightly by someone I chose as my life partner, finally coming to an end.)

...but I know that once it is final, I will forever be free, with no connection whatsoever, to that part of my life again. Can I get an AMEN!? Luckily, Jon and I were smart and completely separated everything, and I mean everything we had and did when we separated. (For that, I am also grateful.) So once this is over, I literally won't have to deal with or associate with my ex-spouse for the rest of my life, even over little things. I feel sorry for those that do.

I am happy to say that I have ZERO regrets about my divorce. I never once made any rash decisions, or acted on impulse. I thought everything out completely and clearly before I made any decisions. And even when it was hard, and even when he didn't, I remained fiercely loyal to the person that I made a marriage commitment to. I know that Heavenly Father is proud of me for the choices that I have made, and will continue to be proud of me for the choices that I am choosing to make.

I love my life! :)

It is the reminder that the fight goes on...

"It is the plain and very sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our lives."

Thank you to my good friend Heidi for reminding me of this wonderful devotional given by Elder Holland several years ago.

I've been thinking a lot about this very thing lately. It always seems like the transition from Summer to Winter is always a hard time in the lives of people that I know. It certainly is for me. I hate the Winter. But besides that, I'm in the middle of a long process of a lot of big decisions in my life. I've been up and I've been down. I've had happy moments, and very sad moments. I've been hopeful, and I've been hopeless. And I've been really lost. But this passage from Elder Holland helps to put everything into perspective for me.

He reminds us that Satan doesn't want us to succeed spiritually. Meaning the small things, such as going to church every Sunday, reading our scriptures and praying, being an example to those around us. Or even the big things, such as living the Law of Chasity, or the Word of Wisdom, or choosing to be married in the temple. He reminds us that when we are at our highest points, they may feel, or even turn into our lowest points because of Satan.

Elder Holland says that "With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

He tells us that "This opposition turns up almost any place something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. It can occur in situations related to your family, Church callings, or career." And that is so true. When I look back at the moments in my life, where I was doing my best, that is when I felt the pressure to do my worst. And ironically enough, the moments where I have been my lowest, are the moments that I have drawn closest to God and strengthened my testimony in Him.

Something I have been falling short on is my ability to have confidence in myself, and in my decisions. I don't pray to know as often as I should, and then when I do, I doubt that my thoughts are coming from God, or if they are coming from myself. (You see, I am definitely an overthinker.) As Elder Holland explains, we can apply a great message from Moses to our every day lives today:

"Don’t let your guard down. Don’t assume that a great revelation, some marvelous, illuminating moment, the opening of an inspired path, is the end of it. Remember, it isn’t over until it’s over.

And God will help us to know when it is over.

My favorite quote from the whole devotional is this:

"The reminder is that we cannot sign on for a battle of such eternal significance and everlasting consequence without knowing it will be a fight—a good fight and a winning fight, but a fight nevertheless."

How often are we fighting for what is right? How often do we sit back and allow wrong to happen in our lives and in the lives of those around us? It's hard. This life is a fight. But just as Elder Holland states, "..we cannot sign on for a battle of such eternal signficance... without knowing it will be a fight...". And I am prepared to win the fight.

Something that brings me great comfort is this thought; "Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. … The Lord shall fight for you.”

The devotional ends with Elder Holland exclaiming, "If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it."

I have seen that in my own life, in my families lives, and in my relationships. I know that to be true. God will never allow us to be tempted more than we are able, and he will always provide a way for us to accomplish the things he asks of us.

We are here for a reason. This life is hard, but it is a test. And I want to pass it. I will pass it, with flying colors, and I will live in eternal salvation with my family forever. I cannot wait. :)

If anyone would like to read this talk as a whole; it is called “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence” by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. And you can find that on www.lds.org.

:)

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Geez, it's been a while since I last posted. I've been so busy with work, and everything else that I haven't had time to write. Plus, I've been spending almost every waking moment at a certain someone's house, who doesn't have internet, that I haven't even had the opportunity to write. But now, he's moved (thank goodness), and will soon have internet. :)

I really need to finish this photo challenge thing.

So, a picture of something I wish I could change.

There are oh so many things that I want to write about this, like living in Provo, being friends with fake people, my job, my school, the uncontrollable ADD that I have, etc.. but I'll keep it simple and talk about my house.

Our house is amazing. I love the girls I live with, and it's a huge house for just the 3 of us, it's just so old. Me and Sarah have seriously considered ripping up the carpet, and knocking down walls (which are all possible with the help of my amazing boyfriend, who seems to be good at everything of the sort), we just have never had the time to do it.

Right now, we have hideous dark green carpet, and hotel room curtains in every room. And we've been told it smells like old people. So, we have plans to put hard wood floors in and upgrade the curtains, and stain the patio, and somehow lock in a "younger" scent to our home. We just need to find the time.

I don't have an accessible picture of MY home, so here's a picture of some random home I found on google.

Weird... I searched my address in google and a picture came up...

So here is it, ladies and gentleman...

Our home. Hopefully one of these days, I'll be able to post a picture of our newly remodeled home. I'll keep you updated. :)

Up next: Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

I don't read nearly as much as I should...

And I don't really think I could pick a favorite.

I really love reading "self help" books. I love learning about psychology, and why people think and feel the way that they do.

I'm currently reading...

It's a great book on how to let go of the things that are holding us back in life. It was recommending to me by a therapist, and it's amazing! I've only just started it, but I'll let ya'll know how it goes. :)

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

nineteen

It's been an interesting, emotional, and hard couple of days. I don't really know how to describe all that has been running through my head.

Today is the two year anniversary of the best mistake I've ever made in my life.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of a the most life changing experience in my life.

And tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the beginning of a new life.

To be little more specific, today would be mine and Jon's two year anniversary. I say "best mistake" because it really was, just that. It was a mistake. It should never have happened. I knew it, and I think he knew it too. But it did happen. And I am grateful for all that has happened in my life since him. I'm a better person than I ever have been, and I probably wouldn't have gotten there without all the heartache. So for that, I thank him (Hence the "best").

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of the day I went through the temple to receive my own endowments. It was also Easter Sunday and I had the opportunity to speak in church on the Atonement. It was a good reminder, along with the Easter holiday, of the infinite blessings I can receive because of the Atonement. Being able to repent on a weekly basis, and attend the temple, right here in Provo, UT, at any time that I am able, to do work for those who are unable to do it for themselves, is a huge blessing in itself. But also that I am able to be mortal, and to sin, and make mistakes, but be allowed to repent of my sins so that I am worthy to enter the House of the Lord, and to be healed is an even greater blessing. I am forever grateful to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for that.

Tomorrow, it has been one year since Jon walked out of my life. We separated and started our own individual lives one year ago from tomorrow. One year ago from tomorrow began the hardest summer I hope I'll ever have to go through. And it was hard. I spent the summer living alone, literally alone, in a house all by myself. I worked and went home, worked and went home, worked and went home. That was my life. I spent over three months pondering my life and figuring out what I wanted to do next. I think I found myself that summer. I developed new friendships, and talents. I learned to sew. I became comfortable being alone. It was a hard, but very rewarding time in my life.

I guess I could take this opportunity to do Day 19 - A Picture and a Letter.

October 2008

Dear Jonathan,

It's been almost three years since Kristi confused me with our roommate Rachel in that random parking lot in downtown Salt Lake City. Almost three years since you made weekly trips up to Rexburg to "visit your sister", but really to hit on her hot roommate. Almost three years since you took that trip to Houston and came out of your writers block and came up with a new song for one special girl. Almost three years from the most perfect first kiss, and the beginning of a fun and exciting new friendship which developed into a relationship. Three years. Man, it seems so long ago.

We experienced a lot together... from the infamous life of summer sales, to hunting, kayaking, life in Provo, UT and various places in Texas, and so much more. I loved learning so many things from you and your family. I loved getting to know your little sisters. And I loved all of the little adventures that we went on.

Even though things didn't work out for us, I know that everything happened for a reason, and I don't regret a second of it. Ok, that's not entirely true, but I don't regret most of it. We learned a lot from each other, and most importantly we grew a lot because of each other. It may not have turned out the way we wanted it to or even expected it to, but it turned out for the best.. don't you think? We taught each other what real love should be like, and for that I am forever grateful. I know because of our experiences together that we will each find the most perfect person for us and that we will be happy for eternity.

I know that sometimes it's still hard, but that eventually we will both be able to look back on every aspect of everything that happened, and not feel a thing. I wish you the best Jonathan, and I hope you remember your true potential and that you strive every day to become a better man for your future most perfect wife and children. 

With Love,
Heather

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 14: Someone you could never imagine your life without.

Someone in this case consists of four beautiful girls.

I love these girls with all of my heart. I'm reminded of that every single day.

They are beautiful, talented, smart, loving, kind, generous, happy individuals. They are all different in their own ways, and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

Jessie Lynn is the oldest, the caretaker. So loving and happy and always there when you need her. She has been my shoulder to cry on, on countless occasions. She's a wonderful wife, and will be a wonderful mother to a million beautiful little babies someday. :) Jessie has taught me what it takes to love unconditionally, and to find the good in every one. 

Kristi Ann comes next. She is uplifting, and fun loving, always able to turn a bad day around with her silly sense of humor. She is a great wife, to a lucky man, and an even better cook. Kristi is always striving to be a better, and to help those around her be better. She taught me to put the Lord first and then everything else will fall into place.

Next comes Kelly Marie. She is my little side-kick, and yet she always seems to put me in my place. We always have so much fun together. She's happy, and funny, and loves to make others laugh, plus she's really good at painting nails. ;) Kelly taught me what it's like to be a kid again, especially when I try to grow up too fast, and to never settle for less than the best.  

And last, but definitely not least, comes Katie (what the heck is her middle name??!...) Katie is so sweet, and innocent, and always striving to do whats right. She is cute, and funny, and so very loving. She became my best friend so fast, I don't think she knew what was coming to her. Katie taught me to be an example, even when it's not easy, and the importance of being different.

These girls came into my life through one specific, bumpy road. That road wasn't very long, went under some big time construction, had several detours, and then got shut down all together. But these girls were there to rescue me and bring me back to a safer, more healthy road. They are my sisters, and despite the best efforts of certain individuals, they always will be. There's nothing that can change that. I live for these girls. And I literally can't imagine my life without them. I love you girls!



Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with

This

is my BEST FRIEND 

Raven

 Beautiful, isn't she?

This

is Raven, 

and her BOYFRIEND

Andy.

But before Andy,

was THIS...

And this...

And this...

 And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And now this...

Raven and I have been through EVERYTHING.

Literally.

Boyfriends, Each other's boyfriends, Sneaking out, Getting grounded, Sleepovers, Grey's Anatomy, LOST, Freschetta Pizza, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, Goldfish, Mooshie (or taco), Proms, Homecomings, Church, School, First cars, First loves, Break ups, Forever 21, Barney, CDs, Stealing each other's clothes, Sisters, Fake nails, Black hair, College, Road trips, Make up, and so so much more.

I know this post was supposed to be about the "messed up" things we have done together. But those are our little secrets :)

I love you Raven Marie Moesser. I'm so happy to have you in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you, besides less trouble in high school. ;) I'm excited for our futures, and I hope we have an eternity of friendship ahead of us. :)

Something different.

I'm going to step away from the 30 day challenge for a minute...

Mostly because I can't figure out who the heck I'd want to switch places with for a day.

But also because of this picture...

This picture has been giving me some inspiration lately.

It's even currently the background on my phone.

These balloons have been in my house for over three weeks.

Three of them are from my roommate, Ariel's, birthday on February 13th. The other ten are from a very special boy on Valentines Day, who sent them, with flowers, to my work. :)

For some reason, that one balloon that still lives on, touches my heart. I feel like a freak saying that, but it really does. Every time I see it, I feel this small glimmer of hope.

I feel like this balloon symbolizes a few things.

One of those things being the strength that I've had to get through in the last year of my life, when I think that others in my situation wouldn't have. I feel extremely blessed to have come out of the last year with the attitude and experiences that I've had. I wouldn't change it for the world. I've learned so much about myself, and relationships, and my future, and I'm definitely 15 steps ahead of where I used to be.

Another thing, having the strength to stand strong and firm in what I believe, when others around me do not. I feel like this isn't something that I've ever struggled with. I've always known what was right for me, and what I wanted to do, and it's never been hard for me to stick to those values. I'm so grateful to have that strength as well.

And the last thing, standing out. Have you seen the motivational poster of all the blue balloons in the sky, and one of the balloons is yellow? I tried to find that picture, but I didn't have any luck. When I see this picture of my balloons, that's what I think about. Standing out and being different. That's one of my favorite things. I love to be different. I love not following the crowd, or following fads, and being different. I'm definitely not that different, but you can tell... at least a little bit. And I like it that way. :)