Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, Jaymeson and I suffered from Carbon Monoxide (CO) poisoning while I was 36 weeks pregnant with Tatum. Jaymeson and I have been through a lot the last 2 years during our recovery, and still have a lot to go through. A lot of it is unknown at this point, but it is there.

I didn't think today was going to feel much different than any other day. But, I woke up this morning, moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer, heard my sweet baby boy shout "Mom! Get out?" from behind his bedroom door, and I burst into tears. I opened his bedroom door and I saw his sweet, perfect, little face laying on his bed just staring at me. I picked him up and held him close, kissed his face a million times, and whispered "I love you so much" in his ear over and over again. He even whispered "love you much" back. He will never understand the magnitude of my love for him. He will never fully understand what it meant to save his parents lives before he was even born. And I will never forget that I could have lived my life without him in it.

Jaymeson and I often lay together after the kids go to bed and just hold each other and reminisce about our lives and our story. This one comes up often as we talk about the changes that we are each going through and how they effect ourselves and each other and our families. It's still so unreal to both of us. It's like it was all a dream. I can't even explain it. We lived those moments, we are still suffering from the experience, but somehow it just doesn't seem real. 

I heard on a song on the radio recently that reminded me of how I feel currently. I hate when official music videos ruin the song. So here it is with just the lyrics,

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Starting today, I will let go of what's gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Look here and here for a recap.

Things you don't say to someone with a TBI

What is a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)? Well, google defines it as "an insult to the brain from an external force or substance, possibly leading to permanent or temporary impairment of cognitive, physical, and psychosocial functions, with an associated diminished or altered state of consciousness."

This could mean anything, right? A car accident, a sport accident, falling down the stairs, physical abuse, lack of oxygen to the brain, etc...

Being someone who has experienced a TBI (lack of oxygen to the brain through Carbon Monoxide poisoning), I have experienced the frustration of feeling as though no one understands what you are going through, and feeling as though you have no support. It's true, it's close to impossible to understand or truly support someone who is experiencing a trial that we have not been through ourselves. But as good friends, neighbors, and family members, we try to be there for those we know that are experiencing something difficult.  

I was thinking about those posts that you see about what not to say to certain people experiencing certain things (ie; What not to say to a Pregnant Person, What not to say to a Stay at Home Mom, etc), and decided to come up with one of my own regarding TBI's. Mostly because it's a way to get my frustration out about it without offending anyone directly. I think it's good to be aware of these things, because you never know who you may come in contact with who is suffering from a TBI. Remember, TBI's almost always show no physical signs and can be hard to detect.

For background on what I am reffering to, click here or here.

So, with the help of brainline.org, here is my list of 10 Things Not to Say to Someone with a Brain Injury

1. You seem fine to me.

"The invisible signs of a brain injury — memory and concentration problems, fatigue, insomnia, chronic pain, depression, or anxiety — these are sometimes more difficult to live with than visible disabilities. Research shows that having just a scar on the head can help a person with a brain injury feel validated and better understood. Your loved one may look normal, but shrugging off the invisible signs of brain injury is belittling. Consider this: a memory problem can be much more disabling than a limp."

I have experienced this on countless occasions. In a way it is nice to hear, but more often than not, it is belittling and frustrating. Yes, I am happy that you can't tell by looking at me that I function a lot less normal than I used to. But also, that doesn't make me feel very validated in the changes that I am experiencing. In fact, it makes me feel like you don't believe that what I am going through is really anything at all. It makes me feel like the 2-3 doctor/therapy appointments I go to every week are considered pointless, when in reality they are changing my life.

 

2. Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough (you’re lazy).

"Lazy is not the same as apathy (lack of interest, motivation, or emotion). Apathy is a disorder and common after a brain injury. Apathy can often get in the way of rehabilitation and recovery, so it’s important to recognize and treat it. Certain prescription drugs have been shown to reduce apathy. Setting very specific goals might also help.

Do beware of problems that mimic apathy. Depression, fatigue, and chronic pain are common after a brain injury, and can look like (or be combined with) apathy. Side effects of some prescription drugs can also look like apathy. Try to discover the root of the problem, so that you can help advocate for proper treatment."

I have never experienced someone telling me that I am lazy. If they had, they probably would have been knocked to the ground because I am the very opposite of lazy. In fact, I have been accused, by at least 2 of my doctors, of taking on too many responsibilities and inhibiting my recovery. However, I have definitely felt a lack of interest to do things, including spend time with my friends, lack of motivation to do the things that need to get done, including laundry and dishes, and lack of emotion about things that matter, including arguments that Jaymeson and I may get into. I have also felt the guilt that goes along with that. I think the best thing to do is to push me a little bit. It's good for me to get out of the house and spend time with friends, or not give up on my regular responsibilities, or to force myself to care about something when I know I don't want to. So don't take no for an answer... unless I have a really good excuse.

 

3. You’re such a grump!

"Irritability is one of the most common signs of a brain injury. Irritability could be the direct result of the brain injury, or a side effect of depression, anxiety, chronic pain, sleep disorders, or fatigue. Think of it as a biological grumpiness — it’s not as if your loved one can get some air and come back in a better mood. It can come and go without reason.

It’s hard to live with someone who is grumpy, moody, or angry all the time. Certain prescription drugs, supplements, changes in diet, or therapy that focuses on adjustment and coping skills can all help to reduce irritability."

I have heard this one quite a few times myself, and to be honest with you, I can't blame them. I am more of a grump than I have ever been. But that doesn't mean I like it, or I want to be that way. I believe that it is mostly because my brain is not able to handle as many things as it used to. So, while I look like I'm angry or not having fun, my mind is probably just preoccupied with other things that I am not realizing where I am. I have also been accused by a therapist of not living in the moment. That's actually one of the main things I am working on right now. Living in the moment and not letting my brain wander and missing out on regular every day occurrences because my brain is "out of this world". 

 

4. How many times do I have to tell you?

"It’s frustrating to repeat yourself over and over, but almost everyone who has a brain injury will experience some memory problems. Instead of pointing out a deficit, try finding a solution. Make the task easier. Create a routine. Install a memo board in the kitchen. Also, remember that language isn’t always verbal. “I’ve already told you this” comes through loud and clear just by facial expression."

I have never been told this out of anger, but I have been told similar things in a joking, nonchalant manner. Something along the lines of being frustrated because I didn't hear them the first time, or that I asked them the same question multiple times. Again, for me, it's a multitasking thing. If I can't focus on what you are saying because I am preoccupied with something else, chances are I have no idea what you said. In some of the therapy that I go to, I am learning ways around this. Such as, taking notes, asking you to repeat yourself, asking you to slow down, etc. Some of them are working, and some of them still need some work. 

 

5. Do you have any idea how much I do for you?

"Your loved one probably knows how much you do, and feels incredibly guilty about it. It’s also possible that your loved one has no clue, and may never understand. This can be due to problems with awareness, memory, or apathy — all of which can be a direct result of a brain injury. You do need to unload your burden on someone, just let that someone be a good friend or a counselor."

This seems like something very harsh to say to someone who is struggling, and I personally haven't heard it so I don't have much to say. So... just take note.

 

6. Your problem is all the medications you take.

"Prescription drugs can cause all kinds of side effects such as sluggishness, insomnia, memory problems, mania, sexual dysfunction, or weight gain — just to name a few. Someone with a brain injury is especially sensitive to these effects. But, if you blame everything on the effects of drugs, two things could happen. One, you might be encouraging your loved one to stop taking an important drug prematurely. Two, you might be overlooking a genuine sign of brain injury.

It’s a good idea to regularly review prescription drugs with a doctor. Don’t be afraid to ask about alternatives that might reduce side effects. At some point in recovery, it might very well be the right time to taper off a drug. But, you won’t know this without regular follow-up."

I am not currently taking any medications, other than good ole' birth control or some sort of antibiotic to fight off whatever sickness has invaded my body. I have personally made a solid effort to try to resolve my impairments on my own instead of relying on medication to make it happen. I believe that I will be stronger in the end for it, and that I will have less chance of relapsing if I can learn to deal with this myself. Sometimes I do feel like I need something and that I can't do it on my own, so I understand completely how the statement above can be very frustrating. I know how it feels to not want to do any of this anymore and just give up. Some people have less will power or are less stubborn than I am, but the medication thing is definitely a reality. 

 

7. Let me do that for you.

"Independence and control are two of the most important things lost after a brain injury. Yes, it may be easier to do things for your loved one. Yes, it may be less frustrating. But, encouraging your loved one to do things on their own will help promote self-esteem, confidence, and quality of living. It can also help the brain recover faster.

Do make sure that the task isn’t one that might put your loved one at genuine risk — such as driving too soon or managing medication when there are significant memory problems."

I am guilty of trying to control too many situations, even before the brain injury. I feel capable of doing most things thrown at me, and as a result of that, I sometimes don't trust others to being able to appropriately handle things (at least the same way that I would). I have a hard time allowing people to do things for me unless I know that it is so so simple that they can't screw it up or it's something that I just don't want to do. But even now, I'm learning that it's important to do things for myself to help rebuild those skills that I lost. Yes, I need to give up more responsibilities sometimes, but I don't need to hand off the responsibilities or even part of the responsibilities that I have chosen to take on just because I may be a little slower at it than I used to be. Practice makes perfect, and that is true in the recovery process. 

 

8. Try to think positively.

"That’s easier said than done for many people, and even harder for someone with a brain injury. Repetitive negative thinking is called rumination, and it can be common after a brain injury. Rumination is usually related to depression or anxiety, and so treating those problems may help break the negative thinking cycle.

Furthermore, if you tell someone to stop thinking about a certain negative thought, that thought will just be pushed further towards the front of the mind (literally, to the prefrontal cortex). Instead, find a task that is especially enjoyable for your loved one. It will help to distract from negative thinking, and release chemicals that promote more positive thoughts."

Literally, this is the hardest thing to do. "Think positively." Yea. Sure, I can think to myself that I am lucky to be alive, or I'm lucky to not have as many issues as this other person. But to actually be able to think positively in the midst of a real struggle, is sometimes extremely difficult.

 

9. You’re lucky to be alive.

"This sounds like positive thinking, looking on the bright side of things. But be careful. A person with a brain injury is six times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than someone without a brain injury. Some may not feel very lucky to be alive. Instead of calling it “luck,” talk about how strong, persistent, or heroic the person is for getting through their ordeal. Tell them that they’re awesome."

This is the number one thing that I hear. And honestly, it doesn't really bother me. It actually makes me feel special. It's true. I am lucky to be alive. Jaymeson is lucky to be alive. And Tatum is lucky to be alive even more! I haven't experienced any suicidal thoughts or similar, thank goodness. Sometimes I do feel like I can't do this anymore, or I can't deal with that anymore.  I understand why someone would have those terrible thoughts. It is beyond frustrating not being able to live and act and be the same person you have lived your whole life being. Having to completely restructure yourself, by no choice of your own, is not an easy task.

 

10. Take your time -- we are not in a hurry.  

I took one out that I felt didn't really apply, and added this one. People who have experienced a TBI often are not as quick as they used to be. Saying "Take your time, we are not in a hurry", while very considerate of you, also makes us feel like a project or incapable. We know that we need to take our time in order to effectively do something. We know that you are waiting on us. We know that you can probably do it faster. Although it may be a considerate statement, think about how you would feel if you were struggling to do something you used to be able to do just fine and someone telling you to take your time because they aren't in a hurry. (You know, because if they were in a hurry, you better not be taking your time.) Don't you think you'd feel a little unnecessary pressure? Maybe I'm crazy.

 

11. And as an added bonus... Are you sure your doctors know what they are doing?

This one I also added myself, and is my favorite. And by favorite, I mean least favorite. No. I have absolutely no idea if my doctor's know what they are doing. They are just my doctors, who specialize in what I am going through. They are just changing my life, little by little, every time I see them. They are sometimes the only support that I have. They only studied exactly the treatment that is recommended for me for several years of their life. You're right. They don't know what they are doing. Ok... lots of sarcasm. But really, I'm not a doctor. So I guess I don't really know. I just know what has been recommended for me and my family, and what is helping us right now. 

 

I'm lucky (or unlucky) because my husband was also exposed to CO poisoning at the same time. So even though he may not be experiencing all of the same side effects that I am, he understands that I am different and that I am going through changes, and it may be awhile before I can adjust enough to feel comfortable in my own skin again. It also makes our relationship a lot harder than it used to be sometimes. We are both going through so many changes, and sometimes you just want consistency. Sometimes it's frustrating if the one thing you are supposed to count on (your spouse) is not always capable of being counted on due to their injury. Jaymeson and I are both loyal and determined people, and I have no doubt that we will make it through this and be stronger in the end. So, maybe we are lucky. :)

A short update on each of us: I am still going through Cognitive Rehab and Counseling. I am progressing on up the "scale of recovery" and things are going well. I definitely have my hard days, and some very hard days. But I am grateful that I am near specialists who can help me, and that I am able to get the treatment that I need. I really don't like the person CO has changed me to be. I really hope someday I will get back to who I used to be before, but I don't know if that's a reality. Jaymeson, due to work, has not been able to start his recommended treatment yet. We are hoping that he will be able to work out a schedule with his office soon that will allow him to get the treatment he needs regularly. Tatum is perfect, almost. He has had some kidney issues, that may or may not be related to the CO poisoning. (More likely that they are considering the kidney issues he had just prior to birth and at birth.) We are treating it as it comes, and hopefully we will have more answers soon. Other than that, he is perfect. He is developing just how he should be, and he is the light of our lives!  

Someday, when I am in a better state of mind, I hope to create some serious awareness for CO poisoning. It may be a few years before I am able to do this, but it is something I want to do and feel strongly about. I will use this blog to follow our progress sometimes, but I am always open to talking to people about it. Sometimes it's hard, but that's good for me. So, if you have questions, feel free to ask. And for now in terms of awareness, if you don't have a CO detector in your home... GET ONE. Seriously. Here is a link for one. :)  

 

Tangled

Let me tell you about the story of me and Jaymeson.

Jaymeson and I have both previously been married. Ironically enough, our ex-spouses are cousins. (Shocker, I know.) Jaymeson's ex wife and I had become pretty good friends, and during both of our divorces,  I spent a lot of time conversing with her. She shared a lot of that information with him, and when both of our divorces were final, he kindly reached out to me... via facebook...

He sent me a short and sweet message stating that he understands what I am going through and that he was there if I needed someone to talk to. I responding, not thinking anything about it, with my phone number, and mentioned that we should get together sometime.

A few short hours later, I received a text. We texted practically non-stop all day everyday, for weeks and weeks and weeks. Jaymeson denies it, but I know that he wanted to go out with me.

Several months went by, and we stayed as "texting buddies". I was going through a lot, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I confided in Jaymeson, and he confided in me. He always mentioned things about how he really wanted to hang out, and how I was too pretty for him, and how I deserved the best there was. I, being the brat that I am, thought he was so weird. I didn't understand why someone I had never actual met, was so interesting in being my friend. A few times even, I would make plans with him, and then when he would be halfway to my house, I would cancel. (He lived in SLC and I lived in Provo-45 minutes.) There were even a few times where I invited him to come to my soccer games, and when he was almost there, I stopped responding so he didn't know where to go. (I know, I'm such a brat.)

However, we remained friends, and text buddies all day, every day.

One conversation we had while at work, was about Tangled, the movie. He had mentioned to me about how he wanted to see that movie so bad and how he especially wanted to see the "Smolder" from Flynn Rider.

Five months had come and gone since that first facebook message, and we had only seen each once. I needed a date for the BYU vs. Utah women's volleyball game, and had ran out of options. I asked him if he'd like to come, and of course, he jumped right on it. We made a bet, that whoever's team won, would be treated to ice cream by the loser. I went for Utah, and he went for BYU. Utah obviously won, and he treated me to Farr's ice cream. We talked a lot about our ex's and I remember that he kept staring me straight in the eye. To this day, he remembers that I lined my ice cream with 'nilla wafers, and he still thinks it's cute.

Afterwards, he dropped me off at my car, we hugged, and I left. I thought to myself (and apparently so did he) that's never going to happen again. We parted ways and remained as text buddies.

Five months went by, and Jaymeson and I had slowly stopped texting. I went home to Houston for Christmas. For Christmas that year, I gave each of my parents and my siblings, a date night, of their choice, on me. Each of us did various activities, but my little sister and I went to Tangled and ice cream. While we were in the movie, I saw the "smolder", and immediately thought of Jaymeson. I texted him and told him that I was thinking of him, and Merry Christmas, etc. He responded shortly after, and we commenced our texting as normal. Come to find out later, when he received my text, he called all of his closest friends to find out what to say next, and waiting as long as he could before he responded. If I remember correctly, it was 20 minutes at the most. :)

I came back to Utah, and we continued texting all day, every day. He mentioned to me about a girl that he had kind of been dating, that he really liked, who had recently broken things off with him, but he thought it was a mistake. I encouraged him to reach out to her, and actually helped him write her a facebook message to explain how he felt. He wrote it all out and sent it to me to review (I, being the English freak that I am, corrected all of his grammar and punctuation, and sent it back.) He then started hesitating on whether or not he was actually going to send it to her. I "threatened" him, that if he didn't send it to her, I would find him and kick him... or something like that. A week or so later, he told me that he had sent it to her, but she had never responded, and he had given up. Come to later find out, he didn't actually send it to her. He didn't actually want to start things up with her again. And he regretted even talking with me about it because he didn't want to scare me away.

Jaymeson's birthday is January 13, just two weeks after mine. We were texting while I was at work a few days before and he had mentioned how he had no plans on his birthday. (Come to later find out, he did have plans to go to dinner with his ex wife...) I felt kinda bad for the guy, so I quickly tried to plan a surprise birthday party for him.

DISASTER.

I invited the few friends of his that I knew of, his family, and his ex's family (because as far as I knew, they were all still friends.) Boy, was I wrong. I picked up Jaymeson to take him to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, and we got there, and there was quite the feud going on between his and her families. They settled down, we had the most awkward dinner of a life time. And then Jaymeson and I finally got to see Tangled together. It was a lot of fun, and he, like old times, would send me texts throughout the movie because he thought it was cute. We went back to his condo after the movie and talked for a few hours and then I went over to his ex's house to spend the night. Her, Jayah, and I stayed up all night talking, and then I went to work early the next morning.

The weekend after that, he asked if he could pick me up to go check out Cabela's with him and Jayah. He drove all the way to Provo to get me, then back up to Lehi to Cabela's. We hung out, ate lunch, watched Jayah marvel over all of the animals, and then he took me home. We continued as text buddies. I told Jaymeson that I didn't feel comfortable going out with him without it being ok with his ex (because we were friends). So he talked to her about it. She texted me and told me about their conversation and told me that we should continue seeing each other and that she thought we were a good for each other. And then Jaymeson and I started to see each other more and more and more.

It took him 3 whole weeks to kiss me, and I was going crazy. Poor guy was so nervous! He later told me that he just decided he was going to do it, and told his friends "See ya later, I'm going to kiss her tonight!" and met me in the parking lot of my work. We talked for a few hours, and then it was way too late and time for both of us to head home. I kept hinting that I wanted him to kiss me, but he just wasn't doing it. So I finally pulled away from him, he grabbed my hand, pulled me in and kissed me! He was shaking like crazy, and I'm sure I was too.

It was then that we decided to be exclusive. We spent as much time as possible together, and dated for a year and a half before we got married. It was difficult, we were both still healing and discovering ourselves from our divorces, but it was worth it. Jaymeson and I were made for each other and I couldn't be happier. Of all the choices I have made, my decision to stick with him through it all, was the best thing I ever did.

Diaries of the Unemployed

So, I lost my job recently. It has been a hard thing and a good thing. Definitely not what I would have imagined.

Hard, because I've had a full time job since I was 15 years old. It's weird for me to not be working every day. I like to work.

Also hard, because both Jaymeson and I need to work to support our family at this point in time. It's been a struggle and a bit of stress wondering if and how we are going to make it.

However, it has been a GOOD thing for a few more reasons.

First, and most importantly... Jaymeson was hit by a car at work last week. If I was working, I wouldn't have been able to answer the phone when I got the call, I wouldn't have been able to be there at the hospital with him, and I wouldn't have been able to stay home with him to take care of him. That has definitely been a blessing.

Second, I have been able to do all sorts of "wifey" things that I wasn't able to do before. For example, cook dinner every night, clean and organize the house, get rid of half of our wardrobe and do all of our laundry. It's such a good feeling being able to be a WIFE. When I was married to my first husband, I went to work full time and to school full time. I was gone from 7:30 AM to about 10:00 PM every night. I was the sole provider for our family and it really wore me down not being able to be a wife to my husband. This time is a little different because I wasn't going to school while working, but I was definitely worn down from the work I was doing, and even the commute every day. I have felt better about myself being able to contribute a lot around the house every day. It makes being home much more enjoyable.

Third, I found myself struggling with depression. I was angry all the time, I was annoyed with people I worked with, I was short with people I worked for, etc. It was bad and it was affecting my home life. Now that I am not working at that job, I have felt HAPPIER. I still have a ways to go in terms of overcoming all of this, but I am far less concerned about the long term outcome of those feelings than I believe I would have been otherwise.

I am a hard worker. That is something that anyone would tell you about me. Although I definitely know that I don't want this whole unemployed thing to last forever, I do feel comforted in the fact that I know it was supposed to happen at this time and that some way, some how, we will be blessed.

My Happiness Project.

I have found myself lately being fairly depressed while I am at home and Jaymeson is working late. Life is hard when the only person you want to spend every second with, has to spend most of their seconds somewhere else.

I don't really have any hobbies, all of my friends live everywhere EXCEPT within a 40 mile radius of me, I hate our house (we are moving soon) so there are no projects there, and I'm tired of spending so much time on the couch, watching movies. I want to GET OUT and do something!

Today I was google-ing "Things to do to make you happy" and came across this website...

Click Here

...and decided that for the next little while, I am going to leisurely complete every single one of these tasks, on my own, while Jaymeson is at work. Starting today. And to make it even more difficult, I am going to do them in the order they are listed. I'll keep you updated. :)

Eat that, unhappy Heather!

A friend of a friend...

I realized something rather interesting at my Bridal Shower this past weekend.

There was a variety of people there, most that didn't know each other. As friends were introducing themselves to one another, the subject of how they knew me came up. Probably close to half of those girls there knew me as a result of my ex husband.

There was an old coworker of his.
An old friend of his sister's.
One or two good friends who took me in during my separation.
His old mission companion's wife.
His best friend's brother's wife.
A roommate from just after my divorce. 
The bridal shower even unknowingly took place in a home that I spent the summer of my separation learning to sew in.
Heck, I only know my fiance because of him!

As I heard the laughter of everyone's crazy story on how they know me, someone mentioned to me about how I must have gotten the friends in the divorce. As funny as that is, I think it is true! Mostly I don't talk to anyone I knew from when I was married, but those that I do are mostly mutual friends of ours that have stayed close to me and have supported me in my efforts to restore my life.

I am so grateful for the love and support that so many people have shown me going through my divorce up until finding the man of my dreams and marrying him for eternity. I know I couldn't have done it without so many of them, and I am so grateful that God has blessed me with some beautiful people to share my experiences with.

Guess I definitely got the better end of the deal.

One life to live.

I'm a big time Greys Anatomy buff. I love it, and I look forward to it every week. The season finale ended a few weeks ago, and I have practically been lost every Thursday night, not knowing what to do with myself.

While watching Grey's Anatomy several weeks ago, I practically re-lived a very real feeling, that I felt over 2 years ago.

To sum it up: Christina and Owen are married. They start to have issues, things go bad, and then he cheats on her. She knows it (but not literally), and confronts him about it. He admits to it. She is hysterical and locks herself in the bathroom.

I'm almost positive, that was my exact reaction when my husband cheated on me. Bathroom and all.

I am not a crier. But while watching that scene, I got really emotional. I literally felt how it felt to love someone so much, and have a serious commitment to them, and then find out something that heartbreaking. It was a small and short depressing moment for me.

And then, I looked to my right, and there was my sweet, sweet Jaymeson. Who was probably feeling similar feelings, as the very same thing happened to him at the very same time that it happened to me.

I looked to my right, and I felt love. Real love. We have been together for close to a year and a half, and it was like butterflies all over again. I laid my head on his shoulder, and I felt safe. I knew that as long I was with my Jaymeson, I would never have to feel that dreadful feeling ever again. And I am so grateful for that security.

I am so grateful to Jaymeson for loving me like he does. For dealing with all of my crazy insecurities, and proving to me time and time again that he will love me unconditionally for eternity. I know that everything in my life has led to me him, and I couldn't have asked for a better someone to share the rest of my life with.

37 more days!!!

The Power of Three

Every once in a while, life gives me a sweet reminder as to why I should be grateful for where I am at this exact moment in time.

This week I was given three.

Three bitter-sweet reminders that about this time three years ago, I made the (best) mistake of my life. And that best mistake has literally become the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thank God it didn't turn out the way that I wanted it to. (And I do every single day...)

I don't know what I am doing, but it must be something right. I am incredibly blessed.

"It was a pretty difficult journey to where I am today, but it made me the person I am, and for that I am grateful." - Unknown

Bless the Broken Road.

Thank you to Rascal Flatts for inspiring this next blog post.

Jaymeson and I had the opportunity to go to a Rascal Flatts concert this weekend with some of our friends. (They were amazing, but that's besides the point.) We had a good time, we laughed, we sang, Brandon almost got beat up, and I won a huge beach ball from the radio station. :)

But I think the most important thing I (re)learned this weekend, was that everything happens for a reason.

While Rascal Flatts was singing their famous song "Bless the Broken Road", Brandon snapped this picture of us:

(Its obviously been photoshopped cuz I'm cheesy, ok?)

When I saw this picture, and heard the song, all I could think about was God really did bless my road. I've been hurt. Seriously hurt. By many men, family members, friends, lots of people. But everywhere I've been is exactly where I should have been. And everywhere I'm going has everything to do with the road God blessed me with. Looking back on all the pain, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I used to always tell myself and everyone else that Jon was an answer to my prayers. He magically appeared into my life right after I ended a very long and hurtful relationship. He swooped in and swept me off my feet, and because of him, I easily healed and moved on from that relationship when it otherwise could have been a very long and hard process. When I first got divorced, I spent a lot of time angry at that thought. How and why would God put Jonathan into my life to help me heal from my previous, devasting relationship and then turn around and hurt me worse?

Two reasons:

1. I did need Jonathan to help me heal from that relationship. But also, I believe the heartbreak of that previous relationship helped to prepare me for the hurt that would come from my marriage. Jon helped me heal from that relationship, and in turn he helped me to know how to heal from our relationship.

2. Jonathan led me to Jaymeson. Weird, right? Jaymeson and I know each other through a very twisted, complicated string of people. But without my marriage to Jon, I would never have known Jaymeson. And my broken road, has thus far, lead me to him.

I learned a lot down this long and crooked journey (Whoops, popped into Bachelor mode for a second. When does the next season start anyways?) that I've been on. I learned to love unconditionally, I learned to allow myself to cry (well, almost), I learned to be honest with myself, I learned to trust, I learned to be independent, I learned to give myself completely, and so many other qualities I hope to continue in all of my relationships. But most of all, I learned that God is with me the whole way.

I don't know where Jaymeson and I will go, but I do know that because of him I am a better person. And because of me, he is a better person. We fight and argue and bicker just like every other real relationship, but we also laugh and cry and dance and love together. We teach each other, we help each other, we have learned so much about ourselves and each other and relationships that if we do not end up together, we will be one hundred times more prepared for our "soul mate" (if you believe in those) than we would have been otherwise. We each are in the place that we need to be, and for what ever reason, we need each other now. And I'm grateful that my very broken road led me straight to him.

:)

"It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true."

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

There are a few things I can think of.

One.

Cooking. I just wish I could cook. I could make my own meals, not have to go out for lunch at work, save lots of money, have parties. Ah, it would be amazing. My mom is an awesome cook. And my sisters are pretty good too. How did I miss that?!

Two.

Working out. I wish I had the desire to get up off my butt and get to the gym, for anything other than tanning. My roommates, and my boyfriend, are all really good at going to the gym. I should follow in their example. But then there's the whole idea of what the heck do I even do at the gym? Ugh.

Three.

Public Speaking.

I do not like the lime light. I admire people who can just stand up in the center of a crowd and say whatever they want without feeling and/or looking like an idiot. I guess that's why I love to write?

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

nineteen

It's been an interesting, emotional, and hard couple of days. I don't really know how to describe all that has been running through my head.

Today is the two year anniversary of the best mistake I've ever made in my life.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of a the most life changing experience in my life.

And tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the beginning of a new life.

To be little more specific, today would be mine and Jon's two year anniversary. I say "best mistake" because it really was, just that. It was a mistake. It should never have happened. I knew it, and I think he knew it too. But it did happen. And I am grateful for all that has happened in my life since him. I'm a better person than I ever have been, and I probably wouldn't have gotten there without all the heartache. So for that, I thank him (Hence the "best").

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of the day I went through the temple to receive my own endowments. It was also Easter Sunday and I had the opportunity to speak in church on the Atonement. It was a good reminder, along with the Easter holiday, of the infinite blessings I can receive because of the Atonement. Being able to repent on a weekly basis, and attend the temple, right here in Provo, UT, at any time that I am able, to do work for those who are unable to do it for themselves, is a huge blessing in itself. But also that I am able to be mortal, and to sin, and make mistakes, but be allowed to repent of my sins so that I am worthy to enter the House of the Lord, and to be healed is an even greater blessing. I am forever grateful to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for that.

Tomorrow, it has been one year since Jon walked out of my life. We separated and started our own individual lives one year ago from tomorrow. One year ago from tomorrow began the hardest summer I hope I'll ever have to go through. And it was hard. I spent the summer living alone, literally alone, in a house all by myself. I worked and went home, worked and went home, worked and went home. That was my life. I spent over three months pondering my life and figuring out what I wanted to do next. I think I found myself that summer. I developed new friendships, and talents. I learned to sew. I became comfortable being alone. It was a hard, but very rewarding time in my life.

I guess I could take this opportunity to do Day 19 - A Picture and a Letter.

October 2008

Dear Jonathan,

It's been almost three years since Kristi confused me with our roommate Rachel in that random parking lot in downtown Salt Lake City. Almost three years since you made weekly trips up to Rexburg to "visit your sister", but really to hit on her hot roommate. Almost three years since you took that trip to Houston and came out of your writers block and came up with a new song for one special girl. Almost three years from the most perfect first kiss, and the beginning of a fun and exciting new friendship which developed into a relationship. Three years. Man, it seems so long ago.

We experienced a lot together... from the infamous life of summer sales, to hunting, kayaking, life in Provo, UT and various places in Texas, and so much more. I loved learning so many things from you and your family. I loved getting to know your little sisters. And I loved all of the little adventures that we went on.

Even though things didn't work out for us, I know that everything happened for a reason, and I don't regret a second of it. Ok, that's not entirely true, but I don't regret most of it. We learned a lot from each other, and most importantly we grew a lot because of each other. It may not have turned out the way we wanted it to or even expected it to, but it turned out for the best.. don't you think? We taught each other what real love should be like, and for that I am forever grateful. I know because of our experiences together that we will each find the most perfect person for us and that we will be happy for eternity.

I know that sometimes it's still hard, but that eventually we will both be able to look back on every aspect of everything that happened, and not feel a thing. I wish you the best Jonathan, and I hope you remember your true potential and that you strive every day to become a better man for your future most perfect wife and children. 

With Love,
Heather

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel