Diaries of the Unemployed

So, I lost my job recently. It has been a hard thing and a good thing. Definitely not what I would have imagined.

Hard, because I've had a full time job since I was 15 years old. It's weird for me to not be working every day. I like to work.

Also hard, because both Jaymeson and I need to work to support our family at this point in time. It's been a struggle and a bit of stress wondering if and how we are going to make it.

However, it has been a GOOD thing for a few more reasons.

First, and most importantly... Jaymeson was hit by a car at work last week. If I was working, I wouldn't have been able to answer the phone when I got the call, I wouldn't have been able to be there at the hospital with him, and I wouldn't have been able to stay home with him to take care of him. That has definitely been a blessing.

Second, I have been able to do all sorts of "wifey" things that I wasn't able to do before. For example, cook dinner every night, clean and organize the house, get rid of half of our wardrobe and do all of our laundry. It's such a good feeling being able to be a WIFE. When I was married to my first husband, I went to work full time and to school full time. I was gone from 7:30 AM to about 10:00 PM every night. I was the sole provider for our family and it really wore me down not being able to be a wife to my husband. This time is a little different because I wasn't going to school while working, but I was definitely worn down from the work I was doing, and even the commute every day. I have felt better about myself being able to contribute a lot around the house every day. It makes being home much more enjoyable.

Third, I found myself struggling with depression. I was angry all the time, I was annoyed with people I worked with, I was short with people I worked for, etc. It was bad and it was affecting my home life. Now that I am not working at that job, I have felt HAPPIER. I still have a ways to go in terms of overcoming all of this, but I am far less concerned about the long term outcome of those feelings than I believe I would have been otherwise.

I am a hard worker. That is something that anyone would tell you about me. Although I definitely know that I don't want this whole unemployed thing to last forever, I do feel comforted in the fact that I know it was supposed to happen at this time and that some way, some how, we will be blessed.

nineteen

It's been an interesting, emotional, and hard couple of days. I don't really know how to describe all that has been running through my head.

Today is the two year anniversary of the best mistake I've ever made in my life.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of a the most life changing experience in my life.

And tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the beginning of a new life.

To be little more specific, today would be mine and Jon's two year anniversary. I say "best mistake" because it really was, just that. It was a mistake. It should never have happened. I knew it, and I think he knew it too. But it did happen. And I am grateful for all that has happened in my life since him. I'm a better person than I ever have been, and I probably wouldn't have gotten there without all the heartache. So for that, I thank him (Hence the "best").

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of the day I went through the temple to receive my own endowments. It was also Easter Sunday and I had the opportunity to speak in church on the Atonement. It was a good reminder, along with the Easter holiday, of the infinite blessings I can receive because of the Atonement. Being able to repent on a weekly basis, and attend the temple, right here in Provo, UT, at any time that I am able, to do work for those who are unable to do it for themselves, is a huge blessing in itself. But also that I am able to be mortal, and to sin, and make mistakes, but be allowed to repent of my sins so that I am worthy to enter the House of the Lord, and to be healed is an even greater blessing. I am forever grateful to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for that.

Tomorrow, it has been one year since Jon walked out of my life. We separated and started our own individual lives one year ago from tomorrow. One year ago from tomorrow began the hardest summer I hope I'll ever have to go through. And it was hard. I spent the summer living alone, literally alone, in a house all by myself. I worked and went home, worked and went home, worked and went home. That was my life. I spent over three months pondering my life and figuring out what I wanted to do next. I think I found myself that summer. I developed new friendships, and talents. I learned to sew. I became comfortable being alone. It was a hard, but very rewarding time in my life.

I guess I could take this opportunity to do Day 19 - A Picture and a Letter.

October 2008

Dear Jonathan,

It's been almost three years since Kristi confused me with our roommate Rachel in that random parking lot in downtown Salt Lake City. Almost three years since you made weekly trips up to Rexburg to "visit your sister", but really to hit on her hot roommate. Almost three years since you took that trip to Houston and came out of your writers block and came up with a new song for one special girl. Almost three years from the most perfect first kiss, and the beginning of a fun and exciting new friendship which developed into a relationship. Three years. Man, it seems so long ago.

We experienced a lot together... from the infamous life of summer sales, to hunting, kayaking, life in Provo, UT and various places in Texas, and so much more. I loved learning so many things from you and your family. I loved getting to know your little sisters. And I loved all of the little adventures that we went on.

Even though things didn't work out for us, I know that everything happened for a reason, and I don't regret a second of it. Ok, that's not entirely true, but I don't regret most of it. We learned a lot from each other, and most importantly we grew a lot because of each other. It may not have turned out the way we wanted it to or even expected it to, but it turned out for the best.. don't you think? We taught each other what real love should be like, and for that I am forever grateful. I know because of our experiences together that we will each find the most perfect person for us and that we will be happy for eternity.

I know that sometimes it's still hard, but that eventually we will both be able to look back on every aspect of everything that happened, and not feel a thing. I wish you the best Jonathan, and I hope you remember your true potential and that you strive every day to become a better man for your future most perfect wife and children. 

With Love,
Heather

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel