One Year

It's been ONE YEAR since this happened. One year, since we almost lost our own lives, and our unborn baby's life. One year, that changed the rest of our lives forever.

It's been a long time since I've blogged, so I had to make a dramatic opening. ;)

But really, it's been one year exactly since Jaymeson sluggishly drove us to the hospital with concerns about not feeling the baby move, only to find out we were minutes away from death by Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Jaymeson and I think about that day all the time. It's really crazy to think about and to try to remember all the details!

I think about the feeling of me not being able to sleep all night, and the feeling of having to physically wake Jaymeson up that morning. I think about how it took us over an hour to pack our weekend bag to check out because we were both so weak. I think about Jaymeson opening the window in the bedroom and telling me that he felt like he could breath better when he stuck his head out of the window. I think about feeling weird and dark, and weak. I think about finally getting our bags together and dropping to the floor next to the front door because I couldn't move anymore. I think about stumbling down the hallway to the elevator and telling Jaymeson to just leave me because I couldn't go anymore. I think about him encouraging me and lifting me out of the chair so that we could get out of the building. I think about finally getting out the front door and slowly walking through the parking lot to our car, dropping our bags and collapsing in the car. I think about sitting in the passenger seat waiting to feel better, to feel anything. I think about Jaymeson calling my doctor's office because I hadn't felt the baby move in days. I think about waiting for a call back from my doctor who reluctantly told us to go ahead and come to Labor and Delivery. I think about checking into the hospital and having my blood taken. I think about my doctor coming back into our room with the test results, with wide eyes, telling us that I had outrageous amounts of CO in my blood and the baby was barely alive. I think about them taking Jaymeson to the Emergency Room and being left by myself with hardly any understanding of what was going on. I think about that one last text from Jaymeson telling me they were hooking him up to all sorts of machines, before his phone died and I didn't heard from him for hours. I think about the doctors telling us that we were lucky to be alive and that they shouldn't have told us to drive ourselves to the hospital. I think about them telling me that they were going to have to transport Jaymeson to another hospital to treat him. I think about my doctor trying all sorts of methods to get the baby's heart rate moving again. I think about begging the doctor to find a way to keep me and Jaymeson together. I think about being wheeled down the hall towards the Hyperbaric Chambers, not knowing at all what they were, but knowing I'd be spending the next 3 hours locked inside of one. I think about finally seeing Jaymeson again, in a wheelchair, with an oxygen mask strapped to his face. I think about them putting the air tight helmet on my head and panicking because of claustrophobia. I think about being injected with Adavan to calm my nerves. I think about test after test after test and no sleep and no understanding what was going on. I think about my how scared we were that the baby wasn't going to be okay. I think about them telling us that we would have serious neurological damage that would affect us for the rest of our lives. I think about the doctors repeatedly telling me that I was in "uncharted territories" and they had never heard of a situation like mine. (Being 36 weeks pregnant and having CO poisoning as serious as ours.) I think about hearing the doctors saying that they didn't know what was going to happen to the baby.

Carbon Monoxide is funny. The symptoms are never ending. At least that's what all of our doctors tell us. Symptoms we felt then, are completely different and stronger now 6 months later. Symptoms 6 months later are different and stronger now, one year later. It's very heartbreaking for me to think about the damage that CO poisoning can do to someone, and then hear that most people don't get treated for it. Most people feel like we felt, and just let it be and then end up with so much Neurological damage later on in their lives. And then I think about how we almost did that. If it wasn't for not feeling the baby moving, we probably would have done that. And Tatum might not have made it. We might have ended up completely brain damaged. Tatum is our life saver.

The hardest thing for me to think about, is not having him. I didn't even love him or know him then. A lot of people talk about becoming pregnant and immediately being in love with their baby before they are even born. It wasn't like that for me. I loved him then, but I didn't know how much I loved him. And to think about him passing away and never being able to meet him and get to know him and feel this way about him, makes my heart break.

We don't talk about this a lot, because it is awkward, and sad, and frustrating, but I have been encouraged by my doctors to open up about our situation so that we can create a strong support group for ourselves. Jaymeson and I are suffering from the never ending symptoms of CO poisoning. At first we felt fine, and slowly as the months went on, we noticed that I was forgetting things. I was stumbling over my own feet. I was having trouble concentrating. I was leaving the stove on all night, or my car on all day. Jaymeson was slurring words and not making sense. Both of us are abnormally fatigued, and our body temperature not the same. At our 6 month follow up appointment, our Hyperbaric doctor made the determination that I needed to have extensive neuro-psychological testing. Jaymeson did as well, but he wasn't ready to take that step. My 8 hour appointment was scheduled one month in advance.

So, I took the day off work, arranged for Tatum to be babysat by my good friend and next door neighbor, and headed to my appointment. I had no idea what to expect, and I had no idea how exhausting the testing was going to be. But I did it, and I'm so glad I did. One month later I came back for the results. They told me that my tests show that I have highly above average intelligence, that I am very capable, and that everything looks good. Except for my memory. For my age and health, memory is normally in the 80%. Mine came back 20% and I was told that if the treatment they were going to send me to didn't work, then I was on the road to Dementia. I got a referral for Cognitive Rehab, to work on my working memory, memorial recall, processing, and concentration.They also determined that they wanted to do a little bit more testing on my balance, and also my eyes. So I was sent to a Balance Specialist and a Neuro-Ophthalmologist (this appointment is yet to be scheduled).

I go to Cognitive Rehab every week, and it is very difficult. We practice a lot of memory and concentration skills, and I usually end my hour very fatigued and with a headache. I really like my therapist and I'm really hoping that it starts to get easier because sometimes I feel like I can no longer take it. One thing that I really need to work on is taking it easy. I'm so used to taking on a lot of responsibilties and being able to handle it, but currently my brain is not capable of handling as much as it used to. It was a very hard and emotional session when we came to the realization that I needed to give some of it up and rely more on my "support system."

I did go to the Balance Specialist, where within 5 minutes of testing, they determined that I would need to go to Balance Rehab as well. My hearing was perfect, and everything else looked good. The problem was that the part of my brain that helps me to balance, has died or is severely damaged. I have noticed more and more lately that I get dizzy easily and black out occasionally. Sometimes I am so dizzy that I throw up. I go to Balance Rehab about every other week. We practice a lot of skills to help me rebuild my balance and stability, but it's very hard. I would say it's even harder than the Cognitive Rehab. I usually leave feeling very sick and am out of it for the rest of the day.

Jaymeson has finally decided he is ready to take the neurological tests that I did, and his appointment is scheduled for the end of August. 

Tatum is still very unknown. He seems like a very healthy and happy baby boy, but I am told over and over again that his development levels could change at any time. So, we wait. And we pray that by some miracle, he will stay healthy and not be affected by the CO poisoning. It makes my heart break to think about him having to feel and go through the things that I am going through right now. 

One year ago, our lives changed in the craziest way. I know that every thing happens for a reason, but I can't say I understand in any way why this happened to us. I am grateful that we made it, I am grateful that Jaymeson pushed me so hard to get out of that building, and I am grateful our baby boy is here with us. His first birthday is next week, and I am so excited to celebrate his life with our friends and family. 

When Jaymeson and I are both done treating, we have big plans to create awareness for CO poisoning. It is a very scary thing that most people are in the dark about. If you don't have CO detectors in your home, I URGE you to get them. They are only about $25 per detector, and they can save your life. Get your furnaces and boilers checked every year, and make sure they check for CO before they leave. 

Well, that's all for now! I will try to do better with the blog. Love you all! 

Diaries of the Unemployed

So, I lost my job recently. It has been a hard thing and a good thing. Definitely not what I would have imagined.

Hard, because I've had a full time job since I was 15 years old. It's weird for me to not be working every day. I like to work.

Also hard, because both Jaymeson and I need to work to support our family at this point in time. It's been a struggle and a bit of stress wondering if and how we are going to make it.

However, it has been a GOOD thing for a few more reasons.

First, and most importantly... Jaymeson was hit by a car at work last week. If I was working, I wouldn't have been able to answer the phone when I got the call, I wouldn't have been able to be there at the hospital with him, and I wouldn't have been able to stay home with him to take care of him. That has definitely been a blessing.

Second, I have been able to do all sorts of "wifey" things that I wasn't able to do before. For example, cook dinner every night, clean and organize the house, get rid of half of our wardrobe and do all of our laundry. It's such a good feeling being able to be a WIFE. When I was married to my first husband, I went to work full time and to school full time. I was gone from 7:30 AM to about 10:00 PM every night. I was the sole provider for our family and it really wore me down not being able to be a wife to my husband. This time is a little different because I wasn't going to school while working, but I was definitely worn down from the work I was doing, and even the commute every day. I have felt better about myself being able to contribute a lot around the house every day. It makes being home much more enjoyable.

Third, I found myself struggling with depression. I was angry all the time, I was annoyed with people I worked with, I was short with people I worked for, etc. It was bad and it was affecting my home life. Now that I am not working at that job, I have felt HAPPIER. I still have a ways to go in terms of overcoming all of this, but I am far less concerned about the long term outcome of those feelings than I believe I would have been otherwise.

I am a hard worker. That is something that anyone would tell you about me. Although I definitely know that I don't want this whole unemployed thing to last forever, I do feel comforted in the fact that I know it was supposed to happen at this time and that some way, some how, we will be blessed.

One life to live.

I'm a big time Greys Anatomy buff. I love it, and I look forward to it every week. The season finale ended a few weeks ago, and I have practically been lost every Thursday night, not knowing what to do with myself.

While watching Grey's Anatomy several weeks ago, I practically re-lived a very real feeling, that I felt over 2 years ago.

To sum it up: Christina and Owen are married. They start to have issues, things go bad, and then he cheats on her. She knows it (but not literally), and confronts him about it. He admits to it. She is hysterical and locks herself in the bathroom.

I'm almost positive, that was my exact reaction when my husband cheated on me. Bathroom and all.

I am not a crier. But while watching that scene, I got really emotional. I literally felt how it felt to love someone so much, and have a serious commitment to them, and then find out something that heartbreaking. It was a small and short depressing moment for me.

And then, I looked to my right, and there was my sweet, sweet Jaymeson. Who was probably feeling similar feelings, as the very same thing happened to him at the very same time that it happened to me.

I looked to my right, and I felt love. Real love. We have been together for close to a year and a half, and it was like butterflies all over again. I laid my head on his shoulder, and I felt safe. I knew that as long I was with my Jaymeson, I would never have to feel that dreadful feeling ever again. And I am so grateful for that security.

I am so grateful to Jaymeson for loving me like he does. For dealing with all of my crazy insecurities, and proving to me time and time again that he will love me unconditionally for eternity. I know that everything in my life has led to me him, and I couldn't have asked for a better someone to share the rest of my life with.

37 more days!!!

The Power of Three

Every once in a while, life gives me a sweet reminder as to why I should be grateful for where I am at this exact moment in time.

This week I was given three.

Three bitter-sweet reminders that about this time three years ago, I made the (best) mistake of my life. And that best mistake has literally become the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thank God it didn't turn out the way that I wanted it to. (And I do every single day...)

I don't know what I am doing, but it must be something right. I am incredibly blessed.

"It was a pretty difficult journey to where I am today, but it made me the person I am, and for that I am grateful." - Unknown

Thankfulness

With all the hustle and bustle of the holidays, and the busy-ness of everything that is life... I kinda missed the whole Spirit of Thanksgiving this year. And then it was slowly creeping up on Christmas, and I got a little worried. I definitely didn't want to miss the whole spirit of Christmas as well. So I stopped to slow down and think about all the things that I am grateful for. It didn't take long to come up with a pretty significant list. Here are just a few of them:

A job: I have a pretty sweet job. I work at a law office for people who are disabled. I help them to receive the help that they need to get anywhere in their lives. Most of the time it's pretty fulfilling. And since this is a positive, thankfulness post, I'm leaving it at that. I get paid great, I have a great boss, and wonderful coworkers, and it's pretty flexible with all the craziness that is my life. It's definitely a blessing to have a job at all, but especially to be a college student with the job that I have is truly a blessing.

An education: I hate school. I really do. But I am so grateful that I can afford an education. I am grateful that I am in the process of getting a University education, that teaches me to specialize in something that I love. I'm grateful for the teachers that take their time to work with me (and the craziness that is my life), and I am grateful for a program that allows me to do what means the most to me... which brings me to...

A major: Behavioral Science, or more specifically, Social Work. I am so grateful to be lucky enough to find something that I love and that satisfies me, and also something that helps me to better the world. Social workers don't get paid very much, but we have one of the most important jobs in the world. I get to help people heal. It's not easy, but it's so, so worth it. It also comes with some pretty flexible hours, and the ability to work from home for the one day when I have little kiddos at home to raise.

A family: Although my family is oh so far away, I am grateful that I have them. I never had a close relationship with any in my family really, until after my divorce. And then suddenly, I understood and appreciated all of them so much more. I have two parents that love me and want what's best for me, and take the time to teach me every time that I speak with them. Two sisters that love me and allowed me to steal make up and clothing from them all throughout my life, who also taught me to love and cherish what is important to me. Four brothers that love me, and pushed me around so that I could become the tough little chica that I am today, who also taught me to accept and appreciate the things that I have. And one neice, who is perfect in every way. My family also consists of grandparents, and cousins, and aunts, and uncles, and each of them have taught me something very special of their own.

A Jaymeson: This man is incredible. He is kind, and loving, and smart, and happy, and down to earth, and he has really changed me. I'm still me, but I'm a better version of me, because of him. Jaymeson and I have had an incredible journey to get where we are today. Full of ups and way too many downs, that have led us to something perfect. I never would have imagined I would be here with him one year later, but I am so grateful that I am. He is thoughtful, and sincere, and genuine, and he loves me, despite ALL of my flaws. And he loves my family. That means the world to me.

A Jayah: A perfect little three year old (going on 16) that I get to spend a significant amount of time with. I am grateful that she is so loving and so accepting of my many flaws. I am grateful that she is so snuggly, and always seems to know when I need it the most. I am grateful that she is so smart, and always wanting to learn more. I am grateful that she is always eager to help in every way that she can. I am grateful that she is Jaymeson's and that she will get to be a part of my life forever.

A friend: I have more than just "a" friend, but the whole "A" thing seems to be a theme here. Since my separation and divorce, I have met many incredible people. All of which have inspired me to be the girl that I was meant to be. I don't get to see my friends very often, but I know that they are there, and that they support me and love me, and only want to see me happy.

A church: I love my church. I am so grateful to have something to believe in. Something to worship, and that inspires me to be a better person. I am grateful for Prophets that lead me and guide me in what's right. I am grateful for Temples, and the healing qualities that they hold. I am grateful for the gospel, and for my testimony, and for the testimonies of those around me that strengthen me. I am grateful for God, for allowing His son, Jesus Christ, to die for me, so that I may have the chance to live. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost that has been given to me to help me to make the right choices. And I am grateful that I was given the gift of repentence for those times that I don't. I couldn't imagine a life without the Gospel, but I am so, so grateful that I don't have to.

My list consisted of several others things, but to cause you the boredom, I won't continue. Christmas came and went, and it was perfect. This year was Jaymeson's year with Jayah, and we got to plan the most perfect Christmas for her. I never knew how much fun it could be to plan Christmas for a child. And this Christmas was definitely all about Jayah.

Right after Thanksgiving, Jaymeson and I put together a tree to surprise Jayah with the next time she came over. We didn't have a star at first, but soon after we went out a got a beautiful, bright, silver star, and also some stockings, and other decorations to get into the Christmas spirit.

Jaymeson and I spent weeks finding all the perfect gifts to get Jayah for Christmas. We got her pajamas, and a robe, and slippers, and clothing, and church clothing, and a tea set, and a tinkerbell journey with keys, and all sorts of other things that she would be excited about. (Next time I'll remember to be more like my mom and keep track of what we got, and which gift is wrapped which way. But I do have to admit, it was kind of a fun surprise to see what we bought her on Christmas morning.) We (well, Jaymeson) wrapped everything up beautifully and hid it under his bed for the time being. That didn't last very long, because Jayah got some sneakiness from her daddy and quickly found ways to sneak into her presents. Needless to say, coal was threatened, and then they were moved. ;) 

Jayah and I even got to go shopping for Jaymeson. I asked Jayah what she wanted to get Jaymeson for Christmas, and all she wanted to get him was make up, and barbies, and nail polish, and a GUITAR. She wasn't going to stop until we got her dad that black guitar that he wanted, just like on her t-shirt. I eventually had to tell her that MeeMa already got him a black guitar so that she could focus on a more realistic gift for him. BAD IDEA. She tried so hard to keep it a secret, but Jaymeson tricked it out of her. Jayah and I were determined to find something else for him that would be a surprise. But.. apparently she's not a huge fan of Christmas shopping because she fell asleep in the cart and slept for 3 hours! We eventually got him a Gingerbread house kit so that they could make it together. We practiced and practiced keeping it a secret, but when we went grocery shopping the next day, we walked past the Gingerbread houses and she yelled "Dad, that's what we got you!" Fail. Maybe when she's older. ;)

On Christmas Eve, the three of us watched all of the Christmas Classics. Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Santa Clause, and The Little Drummer Boy. Then Jayah and I made cookies for Santa. She was so worried about getting them done perfectly, and that there were enough for Santa (and still enough for her to have later). It was fun. Then we set out the cookies and the milk for when he came that night. After the cookies were ready, the three of us sat down to tell the true story of Christmas. Jaymeson and I read to Jayah from Matthew in the Bible, and talked about the significance of giving gifts on Christmas day, and the star on top of the tree, and why Jesus was born in a manger. And then we each got to open one gift. Pajamas. Just like my mom used to do. We taught Jayah to be grateful for a warm bed to sleep in, and warm pajamas, and loving parents who provide for her. It may have been a little much for a three year old, but I think it will be a lesson she will always remember.

 

Then we went over to Jaymeson's family's home. Every year for Christmas, Jaymeson's mom hosts a sleepover. All the siblings, spouses, and kids come over and watch movies, and sleep over, and making treats for Christmas Day. This year was kind of crazy, and all of us were running a little late, but it was still so much fun. Jill and I stayed up pretty much all night putting everything together for Christmas morning. Jayah even got to talk to Santa Clause, and we even heard the bells from Santa's reindeer during the night. It was so much fun!

We woke up at 5 the next morning to open presents. It was so much fun to see Jayah and Jaxen getting so excited about all of their little gifts. We each opened presents one by one, and it was so exciting! Jaymeson got the guitar he has been wanting for years, and I got him front row and center tickets to his favorite band--Zac Brown. He was very excited! Jayah and both of Jaymeson's brothers also got guitars. Look out world, here comes ROUSH! Jayah got a big barbie dollhouse, along with other fun things. And I got, well, spoiled. Jaymeson definitely out-did himself. I'm not even going to write down all the things that he got me because I feel bad that he spent so much time and money on spoiling me. But I guess I deserve it because I always spoil him. ;)

After family Christmas time, Jaymeson and I took Jayah back home for our own little Christmas. Jayah got to open more gifts, and have her stocking, and I got spoiled even more by Jaymeson. After opening gifts, Jaymeson set up Jayah's dollhouse, while she raiding her toys, and I crashed on the couch.

Everything was perfect. Incredible even. I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas. I am so grateful for every moment about that weekend, and hope that every year gets to be just as magical.

Coming up: Meet the Parents, Part 1.

Amen!

The other day I was talking to Jaymeson about a certain person who I claimed I would wish bad things on. (I wouldn't really wish bad things on this person, but sometimes it's fun to think about... haha.) He laughed and said that he thought that if anyone, it should be my ex, because he ruined my life. My immediate response to this was, "No, he didn't. He made it so much better!" And that he did.

My heart was definitely broken into a hundred pieces a year and a half ago when Jon decided he wanted a divorce, out of nowhere, and for no significant reason. I didn't know where I was going to go or what I was going to do with my life next, and I definitely didn't want to do it alone. But let's be honest... I'm pretty sure I fought the divorce so hard because of the embarrassment of being divorced. Especially after one short year of marriage.

Today my best friend Stephanie (that I miss SO much) found a quote that she wished she had expressed to Jon before our divorce. You see, Stephanie and her husband Jonny, were mine and Jon's BEST FRIENDS. We did everything with them, and I think besides our families, they were hurt the worst by our divorce. The quote said "Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make the decision right." When she said that to me, my instant thought was exactly what I had expressed to Jaymeson. That was the right decision... at least for me.

Now, I don't agree with divorce, to ANY degree. And this might make some people pretty upset. Jon made a stupid choice. But his stupid choice, allowed me to have a second chance at happiness, at finding myself, at finding that person I really do want to spend eternity with. And for THAT, I am grateful. I am so happy where I am in my life, and I know, without a doubt, that I never would have gotten there with Jon. Yea, Jon and I could have made it work, and given the chance, I would have done everything I could to make that marriage work. But I never would have been genuinely happy, like I am now. And for that reason, I agree with OUR divorce. 

With that said, I am currently going through a second divorce. What's that, you say? Yes. A Temple Divorce. 

I apologize in advance for all the Mormon jargon that's about to get tossed around. If you have questions, feel free to ask.  

My ex is getting married, and although we all know that a "sealing clearance" should be asked for... it is what it is, and I'm happy it's being done now instead of later.

Everyone's always told me that once the sealing was cancelled, it was gonna be like getting divorced all over again. And to be honest, for a split second, when I mailed my letter off to The First Presidency of the Church, I thought "Crap, I'm not going to be sealed anymore." But because I have great faith in Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, I know that even if something happens to me, it will all work out for my good. The official cancellation hasn't gone through yet, and probably won't for some time, and it might be sad for me for a second...

(**Disclaimer** Not BY ANY MEANS (despite some belief) because of any feelings towards Jon, whatsoever. Just because of the sacredness of something like that being taken so lightly by someone I chose as my life partner, finally coming to an end.)

...but I know that once it is final, I will forever be free, with no connection whatsoever, to that part of my life again. Can I get an AMEN!? Luckily, Jon and I were smart and completely separated everything, and I mean everything we had and did when we separated. (For that, I am also grateful.) So once this is over, I literally won't have to deal with or associate with my ex-spouse for the rest of my life, even over little things. I feel sorry for those that do.

I am happy to say that I have ZERO regrets about my divorce. I never once made any rash decisions, or acted on impulse. I thought everything out completely and clearly before I made any decisions. And even when it was hard, and even when he didn't, I remained fiercely loyal to the person that I made a marriage commitment to. I know that Heavenly Father is proud of me for the choices that I have made, and will continue to be proud of me for the choices that I am choosing to make.

I love my life! :)

Bless the Broken Road.

Thank you to Rascal Flatts for inspiring this next blog post.

Jaymeson and I had the opportunity to go to a Rascal Flatts concert this weekend with some of our friends. (They were amazing, but that's besides the point.) We had a good time, we laughed, we sang, Brandon almost got beat up, and I won a huge beach ball from the radio station. :)

But I think the most important thing I (re)learned this weekend, was that everything happens for a reason.

While Rascal Flatts was singing their famous song "Bless the Broken Road", Brandon snapped this picture of us:

(Its obviously been photoshopped cuz I'm cheesy, ok?)

When I saw this picture, and heard the song, all I could think about was God really did bless my road. I've been hurt. Seriously hurt. By many men, family members, friends, lots of people. But everywhere I've been is exactly where I should have been. And everywhere I'm going has everything to do with the road God blessed me with. Looking back on all the pain, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I used to always tell myself and everyone else that Jon was an answer to my prayers. He magically appeared into my life right after I ended a very long and hurtful relationship. He swooped in and swept me off my feet, and because of him, I easily healed and moved on from that relationship when it otherwise could have been a very long and hard process. When I first got divorced, I spent a lot of time angry at that thought. How and why would God put Jonathan into my life to help me heal from my previous, devasting relationship and then turn around and hurt me worse?

Two reasons:

1. I did need Jonathan to help me heal from that relationship. But also, I believe the heartbreak of that previous relationship helped to prepare me for the hurt that would come from my marriage. Jon helped me heal from that relationship, and in turn he helped me to know how to heal from our relationship.

2. Jonathan led me to Jaymeson. Weird, right? Jaymeson and I know each other through a very twisted, complicated string of people. But without my marriage to Jon, I would never have known Jaymeson. And my broken road, has thus far, lead me to him.

I learned a lot down this long and crooked journey (Whoops, popped into Bachelor mode for a second. When does the next season start anyways?) that I've been on. I learned to love unconditionally, I learned to allow myself to cry (well, almost), I learned to be honest with myself, I learned to trust, I learned to be independent, I learned to give myself completely, and so many other qualities I hope to continue in all of my relationships. But most of all, I learned that God is with me the whole way.

I don't know where Jaymeson and I will go, but I do know that because of him I am a better person. And because of me, he is a better person. We fight and argue and bicker just like every other real relationship, but we also laugh and cry and dance and love together. We teach each other, we help each other, we have learned so much about ourselves and each other and relationships that if we do not end up together, we will be one hundred times more prepared for our "soul mate" (if you believe in those) than we would have been otherwise. We each are in the place that we need to be, and for what ever reason, we need each other now. And I'm grateful that my very broken road led me straight to him.

:)

"It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true."

Together Again.

I started this blog post a while back, but never finished it. I noticed it this morning waiting to cook the best dinner in the world for Jaymeson and some friends tonight, and after being hassled by Jessie to write a blog post, I figured I'd finish it. :)

I don't remember where I found this quote, but I remember when I saw it, it really stood out to me.

"We don't know when the people that we love are going to be taken from us, so we should cherish every moment that we have with them."

Death is something that I have no idea about. I have never experienced someone that is close to me dying. Not even grandparents. My dad's dad died when I was pretty young, and my other three grandparents are still alive. I still have my parents, and all six of my siblings. I'm pretty lucky I guess.

I have a few close friends who have had direct family members die and I've watched them overcome the sadness, and they have definitely become a great example to me.

I was joking with Jaymeson last night about me dying while on this roadtrip to San Diego without him. What would he do without me? Really. Ha.

Not that I'm actually going to die any time soon (cross your fingers), but regardless, I'm not afraid of death. I know why I am here, and I know where I'm going and I can't wait to get there. It's going to be so wonderful and beautiful and perfect to be back in Heavenly Father's arms again someday.

The part that really stands out to me though, is this:

"...cherish every moment that we have with them."

Sometimes (always) I get caught up in the business side of myself. I'm a "task master" as my dad calls it. I get things done. And I think sometimes I get caught up in too many tasks and forget to sit back and relax and just have fun. I fill my life up with way too many things. I make lists. I work full time. I go to school full time. I volunteer. I barely ever have a spare second to just sit back and act like a dork. Fortunately for me, Jaymeson is very opposite of me and spends most of his time acting like a dork and it helps to loosen me up a little bit when I get stressed.

Tomorrow morning, Sarah and I are headed out for our best friends wedding in San Diego. I'm excited to share this special moment with Raven and Sarah. It'll be one of the first times we've all been together, just us, since we were in high school. It'll bring back a lot of memories, and form several more.

I'm so happy for Raven, and the opportunity she has to be sealed to her best friend, and the man of her dreams for time and all eternity. I'm so grateful that I will have the chance to be in the temple with her when she receives her own endowments and kneels across the altar to be sealed to Andy forever. Plus, I get to spend a week on the beach in sweet, sweet San Diego. It's gonna be a good week.

M-Unit together again.

nineteen

It's been an interesting, emotional, and hard couple of days. I don't really know how to describe all that has been running through my head.

Today is the two year anniversary of the best mistake I've ever made in my life.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of a the most life changing experience in my life.

And tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the beginning of a new life.

To be little more specific, today would be mine and Jon's two year anniversary. I say "best mistake" because it really was, just that. It was a mistake. It should never have happened. I knew it, and I think he knew it too. But it did happen. And I am grateful for all that has happened in my life since him. I'm a better person than I ever have been, and I probably wouldn't have gotten there without all the heartache. So for that, I thank him (Hence the "best").

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of the day I went through the temple to receive my own endowments. It was also Easter Sunday and I had the opportunity to speak in church on the Atonement. It was a good reminder, along with the Easter holiday, of the infinite blessings I can receive because of the Atonement. Being able to repent on a weekly basis, and attend the temple, right here in Provo, UT, at any time that I am able, to do work for those who are unable to do it for themselves, is a huge blessing in itself. But also that I am able to be mortal, and to sin, and make mistakes, but be allowed to repent of my sins so that I am worthy to enter the House of the Lord, and to be healed is an even greater blessing. I am forever grateful to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for that.

Tomorrow, it has been one year since Jon walked out of my life. We separated and started our own individual lives one year ago from tomorrow. One year ago from tomorrow began the hardest summer I hope I'll ever have to go through. And it was hard. I spent the summer living alone, literally alone, in a house all by myself. I worked and went home, worked and went home, worked and went home. That was my life. I spent over three months pondering my life and figuring out what I wanted to do next. I think I found myself that summer. I developed new friendships, and talents. I learned to sew. I became comfortable being alone. It was a hard, but very rewarding time in my life.

I guess I could take this opportunity to do Day 19 - A Picture and a Letter.

October 2008

Dear Jonathan,

It's been almost three years since Kristi confused me with our roommate Rachel in that random parking lot in downtown Salt Lake City. Almost three years since you made weekly trips up to Rexburg to "visit your sister", but really to hit on her hot roommate. Almost three years since you took that trip to Houston and came out of your writers block and came up with a new song for one special girl. Almost three years from the most perfect first kiss, and the beginning of a fun and exciting new friendship which developed into a relationship. Three years. Man, it seems so long ago.

We experienced a lot together... from the infamous life of summer sales, to hunting, kayaking, life in Provo, UT and various places in Texas, and so much more. I loved learning so many things from you and your family. I loved getting to know your little sisters. And I loved all of the little adventures that we went on.

Even though things didn't work out for us, I know that everything happened for a reason, and I don't regret a second of it. Ok, that's not entirely true, but I don't regret most of it. We learned a lot from each other, and most importantly we grew a lot because of each other. It may not have turned out the way we wanted it to or even expected it to, but it turned out for the best.. don't you think? We taught each other what real love should be like, and for that I am forever grateful. I know because of our experiences together that we will each find the most perfect person for us and that we will be happy for eternity.

I know that sometimes it's still hard, but that eventually we will both be able to look back on every aspect of everything that happened, and not feel a thing. I wish you the best Jonathan, and I hope you remember your true potential and that you strive every day to become a better man for your future most perfect wife and children. 

With Love,
Heather

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

photo from google images

 This is a photo of the Provo, UT Temple for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

A few months ago, I was going through a particularly hard time, and a friend of mine's dad gave me a blessing and encouraged me to attend the temple once a week. He promised me that if I did, I would find the answers that I needed, and I would be able to get through "this" quickly.  

And he was right!

I started going. Every single week. I usually go on Friday nights, as a date night to myself, and I mostly go alone. I tried to go to different temples throughout Utah and Salt Lake Valley, but this one is just a few seconds down the road, so I find myself there most often. 

 Temples are healing. Temples renew our souls. 

No sacrifice is too great to get to the temple.

Without the temple, we cannot live again with our Heavenly Father,

and we cannot be with our families for eternity. 

Through temples, we can help others do what they cannot do for themselves.

What a blessing to be able to do the Lord's work,

and what a privilege to be trusted by God for this purpose.

I am so grateful to be worthy to enter the House of the Lord.

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item

 

My Journal.

I LOVE having a journal.

My whole life, I've never been much of a journal writer, but about 6 months ago, I was going through a really hard time, and my amazing roommates bought me one and encouraged me to write in it. It was so helpful, and I love it, and I seriously am upset that I haven't been writing in one my whole life!