Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, Jaymeson and I suffered from Carbon Monoxide (CO) poisoning while I was 36 weeks pregnant with Tatum. Jaymeson and I have been through a lot the last 2 years during our recovery, and still have a lot to go through. A lot of it is unknown at this point, but it is there.

I didn't think today was going to feel much different than any other day. But, I woke up this morning, moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer, heard my sweet baby boy shout "Mom! Get out?" from behind his bedroom door, and I burst into tears. I opened his bedroom door and I saw his sweet, perfect, little face laying on his bed just staring at me. I picked him up and held him close, kissed his face a million times, and whispered "I love you so much" in his ear over and over again. He even whispered "love you much" back. He will never understand the magnitude of my love for him. He will never fully understand what it meant to save his parents lives before he was even born. And I will never forget that I could have lived my life without him in it.

Jaymeson and I often lay together after the kids go to bed and just hold each other and reminisce about our lives and our story. This one comes up often as we talk about the changes that we are each going through and how they effect ourselves and each other and our families. It's still so unreal to both of us. It's like it was all a dream. I can't even explain it. We lived those moments, we are still suffering from the experience, but somehow it just doesn't seem real. 

I heard on a song on the radio recently that reminded me of how I feel currently. I hate when official music videos ruin the song. So here it is with just the lyrics,

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Starting today, I will let go of what's gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Look here and here for a recap.

Are you an evil step mother?

Right before Jayah started Preschool, her dad and I got married. I had already been a part of her life for almost 2 years, but never officially had the title of "step-mother".

I remember the first time I picked her up from Preschool, she introduced me to all of her little friends as Heather. Then someone asked, "Is that your mom?" And she said "She's my step-mom." Then one little girl said, "Are you an evil step-mother?"

Not even a week after I became a step-mom, I was already thrown into the "evil step-mother" category. It made me kind of sad! Luckily for me, the "evil step-mother" persona has never been an issue for me. Jayah is the most loving and accepting little girl you could ever imagine. She has never been hateful to me, she has never been mean to me, and she has never said "you're not my mom so you can't tell me what to do." I have been so blessed.

Although Jayah has been (mostly) easy, being a step mom hasn't always. Her mom and I butt heads sometimes, and it's hard having a child come into my home half the time who I don't have any control over what she is exposed to the other half of the time. I became a member of several different Step-Mom Support Groups. I never post to them, but I enjoy reading what other things stepmothers are experiencing.

With the release of the Cinderella movie came a lot of talk about evil step-mothers. Step-moms speaking out about their insecurities about the movie, and not wanting their step-children to see it for fear of inviting the evil step-mom persona into their lives. Jayah's mom invited me to go see Cinderella with her and Jayah. At first I didn't think much of it, but once I started seeing these posts, I kind of got a little worried. Did she invite me because she wants Jayah to associate me with Cinderella's step-mom? Is Jayah going to associate me with the evil step-mom once she sees it? Does she ALREADY feel that way?

So, we went to see the movie together. Jayah sat in between us, we had popcorn, Jayah spilled her (very large) sprite all over the floor, and it was fun! At the end of the movie, Jayah's mom said something about how mean Cinderella's step-mother was and how blessed Jayah is that I am not like that. Then Jayah said, "You're not an evil step-mom, you're the BEST step-mom, and I love you so much!" and danced with me all the way out to the car.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I never asked to be a step-mom. It was never in my plans. But being a step-mom has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and it's all because of Jayah! I am so blessed.

Introducing My Baby...

Tatum Blake Roush

Born on Friday, July 19, 2013, at 6:17 AM

6 lbs. 12 oz. and 20 1/2  in. long

In honor of Tatum's 4 month birthday tomorrow, I have decided to finally write his birth story. Here goes!

Everything had been going like normal, other than the fact that Jaymeson and I had Carbon Monoxide poisoning 10 days previously, which meant I would have to go to fetal monitoring 2-3 times a week. During those appointments, they discovered that my baby was not creating any amniotic fluid (because of the CO poisoning), and my levels were very low. They had talked about maybe having to induce me if it got too low, but at that time I was okay.

On July 18, I was officially full time at 37 weeks. I woke up and went to work like normal, although I noticed that I had started to leak something. I didn't really think much of it because everything is always so weird when you are pregnant, and went about my work day. Throughout the day it got worse, where I was going to the bathroom every few minutes because the pads I was wearing were full. (TMI? Sorry.) So I started to think, what if my water broke? I texted me wonderful neighbor, Chelsea, to ask her what it feels like when your water breaks. She is the mother of 4 children, and always has really great advice so I thought she might be good to ask. She told me her thoughts and then recommended that I call my midwife.

Well.... I really didn't want to call my midwife, so I just went about my day. Then I thought, maybe I should ask Jaymeson what he thinks. So I did. He also told me to call the midwife. I thought about it for a little while, and then I decided to call my midwife. I explained what happened, she asked a few questions about contractions and such, and then said "Well, come on in. If you're not going to have this baby on your own, then we are going to have to induce you." I hung up the phone. Looked out of my office door, made eye contact with Megan (a fellow pregnant co-worker) who asked if I was ok, and I immediately started bawling. I was not ready to have a baby! And I definitely didn't want to be induced.

Some of my coworkers came into the office and tried to calm me down. Another coworker ran upstairs to tell my boss that I was going to have a baby and that we would be leaving soon. His response was "Well, better take her to the hospital. We don't have any towels." Why am I not surprised at that response? ;) Meanwhile, the leaking continued. I called Jaymeson to let him know that I was going to the hospital and they said they would induce me. He informed me that he was all the way out in Springville (close to an hour from the hospital) and wouldn't be able to leave until a replacement came. (It's like my worst fear about labor was coming true.)

I got to the hospital, checked into labor and delivery, put on one of  those awful gowns, and waited for a nurse to come check me out. They hooked me up to the fetal monitors that I had become so familiar with, and then checked to see if my water had actually broken. During this process, we could see that I was having pretty steady and strong contractions, however I didn't feel any of them.

They lifted my bed and shined an obnoxiously bright spotlight at my baby making areas to check for my water breaking. They kept referring to something called "Ferning", which I eventually found out was how they could tell if your water had broken. They swipe your vaginal area with a swab, put it on a slide, let it sit for about 10 minutes, stick it under a microscope, and if they see ferning (the shape of an actual fern plant), then your water has broken. Well... they came back, and said that it hadn't. So I asked what I could possibly be leaking, and they didn't have any answers. I asked them to please check again to see if my water had broken, because I knew that it had. They lifted my bed again, got out that annoying spotlight and did their "ferning" process again. While we were waiting for the results, someone came in with an ultrasound machine to measure my amniotic fluid. It was lower than it had recently been, but still not too low, so they determined that part of the fluid was being hidden. 15 minutes later, they came back with results of the ferning test and said that my water had indeed, not broken. I, again, asked what I could possibly be leaking if my water hadn't broken, and the response was "You must have a yeast infection." Right. I have absolutely no signs of a yeast infection, I am 37 weeks pregnant, and I am leaking,  but no, I just have a Yeast Infection. I asked them if they could at least check me for dilation, in which they responded that they would do that at my next appointment, which wasn't for 6 days. Ok then.

They gave me a prescription for antibiotics to clear up my so-called Yeast Infection. I got dressed, checked out of the hospital, and went to get my prescription. (Side note, I think the worst thing about being pregnant, is going to the hospital, thinking you are in labor, and finding out that you are not.) My plan was to head back to work, but by the time I finally got my prescription, it was close to 4:00 and I didn't feel like it. So I left the hospital, let Jaymeson know I was being sent home, and headed over to pick up Jayah from her moms.

On the way to Jayah's mom, I started having contractions that I could feel and were painful. . They came out of nowhere and where immediately only a few minutes apart. I picked her up, and she begged me to take her swimming at Jaymeson's mom's house. We went home to get our swimsuits and then headed over. My neighbor called to see how everything went at the hospital, and could tell that I was in a lot of pain while we were on the phone. She recommended going back to the hospital, but I of course didn't listen because I didn't want to get sent home again. (Reminder, always listen to Chelsea. She knows best.) So I went on my way to my mother in laws.

Once we got there, the contractions had gotten even more painful, and she could immediately tell that I was in a lot of pain. I kept having to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't. I was doubled over on the couch trying to handle these contractions. I couldn't concentrate or respond to anything anyone was saying to me. I remember being in the bathroom, and my friend Cassie called, and even she could tell I was having a hard time!

Jayah kept begging to go out to the pool, so we decided to head out there and get me in the water to see if that helped at all. By now, my mother in law was almost positive that I was going to have a baby that night. We had started to time my contractions and they were about 2 minutes apart for over a minute long. I asked my mother in law to call my midwife and she did. She explained the situation to the midwife on call (also the one who I had seen earlier that day), who's response was "Well, she can come in if she wants, but she's going to be disappointed when I have to send her home again." She also said that I could have contractions like that for days before going into labor, to which I thought, NO WAY can I have contractions like this for days. I am completely dysfunctional like this. In the meantime, my friend Stephanie (who was due 9 days after me) had heard the news that I was having contractions and was texting me. I don't remember anything we talked about it, but I am sure that it was along the lines of freaking out, and oh my gosh you are having a baby.

After getting in the pool (which made it worse), we decided that I needed to go back to the hospital. My mother in law called Jaymeson (who was still out in Springville) and told him that I would be having the baby tonight and he needed to get home to take me to the hospital as soon as possible. After what felt like hours (was probably really only an hour), Jaymeson got there, picked me up, and we headed to the hospital.

Throughout my whole pregnancy, I had decided that I wanted to have a natural birth. At least, I wanted to try. On the car ride there, I was in a lot of pain and made the decision that no way was I going to try to do this natural. We got to the hospital, checked in, and I immediately asked the nurse for an epidural. She told me that she couldn't give me an epidural because they weren't sure if I was in labor or not, but they could give me some pain killers to take the edge off. Yea right. That stuff didn't work at all. All I remember about this part was that I kept telling Jaymeson how stupid this was ("this" meaning the pain), and how much I hated it, etc. Haha!

They lifted my bed up, got out the annoying spotlight again to check for ferning, came back about 15 minutes later and confirmed that my water HAD broken and I was dilated to 3 cm.. Thank you for confirming what I already knew was true. Luckily this time, it was a different midwife so I didn't scream at her for sending me home earlier when she shouldn't. I liked this one also, because she was the one who was there during the CO hospitalization, so I was familiar with her, and she was really nice.

After they confirmed that my water had broken, they brought in the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural. Once the epidural was in, I was in HEAVEN. It seriously, was the best thing ever. And I will never even think about doing a natural birth again.  I was calm, I wasn't in pain, and Jaymeson and I were left sitting there talking about how crazy it was that we were going to be having a baby that night. Shortly after this, Jaymeson's mom brought Jayah to the hospital to hang out with us. We played some games, watched some tv, and talked about what her baby brother would look like.

Shortly after that, Jaymeson, Jayah, and Jill left to get food and pack a hospital bag for me. (Reminder, don't wait until 37 weeks to back your hospital bag... just in case.) About half an hour after they left, they called to see where I was at. I had dilated to a 7! They hadn't even been home yet, so they raced home, then they raced back to the hospital so that they wouldn't miss anything. Jaymeson told me that Jill was driving 80 miles an hour the whole way back to the hospital.

A few hours went by, and I was still dilated to a 7. My contractions were still 1-2 minutes apart for over a minute long (though, luckily I couldn't feel them.) My midwife had decided that she needed to do something to speed up the labor, so she gave me some Potocin. At that point, they checked to make sure the baby wasn't breached or anything like that. They found out that he was head down, but he was face up. They said that I could still delivery him that way, but that it would be more difficult. So they decided to try to get him to turn by having me lay in certain, weird positions until it was time to push.

By then it was after 9:00. Jayah had fallen asleep, Jaymeson was falling asleep, and Jill was texting me parents keeping them updated. Hours passed, and I was left awake watching stupid middle of the night tv shows and waiting for something to happen. Finally, 5:00 AM or so came around on the 19th and my midwife told me that the baby had turned face down, it was time to push. Holy cow, this was it! I woke up Jaymeson and Jill and got ready to push.

How come nobody warns you about pushing? Pushing was by far, the hardest part of labor. It was so tiring, and there were times where I didn't think I could do it. I pushed for about an hour, and out came my cone headed, bald baby boy. At some point during pushing, I had taken my glasses off. So when he came out, and they plopped him down on my chest, I really couldn't see anything. The lights were dim, and I was honestly too tired from pushing to care. Then they took him away to measure him and everything, and brought him back.

They informed me that because he was in my belly too long without any amniotic fluid, that he had a fever and an infection, so they were going to have to take him away from monitoring and antibiotics. I got to hold him for a few minutes, wake up Jayah to hold her new baby brother (yes she slept through the entire delivery process), take a picture, and then they took him away. They finished cleaning me up and then wheeled me to my room where I would be spending the rest of my time at the hospital.

I didn't see Tatum for a few hours after he was born. You know how mom's will say that they fell in love with their baby the moment the laid eyes on him/her? That wasn't the case for me. It took me a few days to really fall in love with Tatum. And I really believe that it was because I didn't get to spend any real time with him while we were in the hospital because they kept taking him away from me for testing and antibiotics. Jaymeson had to work all night the night after Tatum was born, so my wonderful mother in law came and stayed with me at the hospital. When Jaymeson came, he was of course exhausted, so he slept all day. Then he had to work again all night. And slept all day again, the next day. So, I spent a lot of time alone.

Because of the lack of oxygen to Tatum's kidneys, he was not pooping or peeing like he was supposed to. They were worried that his kidney's might be defective and talked about having to keep him longer even after we were discharged. I did not want to leave my baby at the hospital by himself! Luckily, just before we were discharged, he pooped and they let us take him home. We got him dressed in a cute outfit and put him in his cute carseat and headed home. It was the craziest feeling to me and I was completely overwhelmed.

We pulled up to our house and I sat in the car bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed and I didn't know how to be a mom. I contribute a lot of the reason that I was so overwhelmed to the fact that my house was a disaster. We didn't know, or even expect me to go into labor so soon, so we hadn't prepared at all. My wonderful mother in law could sense that and hung out at our house for a few hours and deep cleaned everywhere. I love her and I am so grateful for her. It was really hard for me being so far away from my family, and having none of my family there for support, but she took such good care of me. I couldn't ask for a better support system and mother in law than her. :)

So, now my sweet baby boy turns 4 months old tomorrow and I am so in love with me. After I had him, everyone would ask me if there was anything about having a baby that surprised me. My response was always, "I never knew that I would love him this much." And it is so true. I love Tatum more than anything in the world and the past 4 months have been the happiest of my entire life. He is perfect and wonderful and I am so grateful to be his mother. I love you baby boy!

At 4 months, Tatum is very vocal. He talks all the time and is very opinionated in his "words." He smiles so big when he sees me and his daddy, and he loves to be held. I am no longer able to nurse, so he drinks from a bottle that he can hold himself. He wakes up every 3 hours or so to eat and then he goes right back to sleep. He loves to hang out in his Johnny Bouncer (even though he can't bounce himself, he just likes to stand in it.) He was blessed on October 13, in Texas with my family. And he is the light of our lives. Here are some pictures of his life so far (sorry they are out of order):

1 month old

1 month old

2 weeks old

1 day old

2 Days old

6 weeks old

3 months old

2 months old

Almost 4 months old

The day our unborn baby saved our lives...

Jaymeson and I decided to take a weekend getaway to celebrate our one year anniversary, and have a little together time before this baby comes. We did it about 4 weeks in advance, just in case the baby decided to come early.

 We decided to stay in downtown Salt Lake City at the Kimball Condos, and take a few days to just relax and be together. Friday night after Jayah got picked up by her mom, we loaded into the car and went to dinner at Jaymeson's favorite restaurant, Ruby River. After dinner, we decided we should probably stock up on some snacks (AKA cereal) for the weekend because the condo we were staying in had a full kitchen for us to use. We raced to Jaymeson's mom's store to hopefully get there before it closed and didn't make it. So we decided to brave the Downtown Harmons. Holy craziness, where do you even park at that place?? It's like a 3 or 4 story grocery store, with cooking classes and tons of other stuff inside. Cool place, but really, where are you supposed to park? We stocked up on some cereal and got a redbox and headed to the condo for the night. I wasn't feeling very good, so I ended up falling asleep, leaving my sweet husband to watch Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 by himself.

Saturday, we woke up whenever our bodies felt like it, and went to the Salt Lake City Temple to do some sealings. One of my best friends has a tradition with her husband that they do sealings every year on their anniversary, so I decided to steal their tradition. :) Thanks Jess! It was actually the first time that Jaymeson or I had ever done sealings, besides our own. And it was pretty cool. :) After sealings, we walked around temple square and then walked back to the condo to change into regular clothes.

 For lunch, we decided to go walk around City Creek. We ate at Johnny Rockets, and then wandered City Creek until Jaymeson realized that City Creek was a completely different place than the Gateway. So, we got in our car and drove on over to the Gateway, because that's where we wanted to be. At the Gateway, we walked around and did some window shopping, checked out Build-a-Bear, and a few other fun places, and even got the online price for some PJs that I wanted for the baby's delivery from Victoria's Secret. (Which you will see later...)

Then it started to rain. And as you know, the Gateway is an outdoor mall. So we found some shelter and sat and waited out the rain. Then we went to see "Now You See Me" at the Gateway Theatre, which was actually pretty good. Jaymeson had a pretty strong headache the entire time, so I don't know how much of it he actually saw, but I would recommend it!

After the movie, we drove around downtown to find a gas station to get Jaymeson some tylenol or something. There are NO gas stations downtown. It took us maybe 15 minutes to find one! Then we went back to the condo, Jaymeson fell asleep, and I continued to watch Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 by myself!

I developed a headache at some point in the night and didn't sleep very much. At about 8 AM or so, I gave up trying to sleep and decided to eat some cereal and start packing up because we had to check out of the condo by 11. I had started to feel kind of weird, weak mostly. I woke up Jaymeson shortly after, and he still had a bad headache. He took a shower, hoping that would help, and then attempted to help me pack everything up for check out. Both of us starting to feel very light headed, and weak. It was the weirdest thing. We would take a few steps and then stumble and have to lay down or sit down before we could see clearly again. The whole room seemed dim, every sound seemed like it was inside our heads, and we could barely do anything without needing to take a break.

Jaymeson felt like he wasn't able to breath very well, so he opened the windows and we hung out of them for a few minutes before we continued trying to pack up. It took us close to 2 hours to get our tiny weekend bags packed and out the door. In fact, we got everything next to the door and had to stop and lay down for a few minutes before we could even continue. Jaymeson felt like there was really something wrong in that room and pushed us both to get out of the building as quickly as we could. We stumbled to the elevator and (Jaymeson's brother makes fun of me for this...) I told Jaymeson to just go ahead and go while I rested for a few minutes and then I would meet him out there. He encouraged me to get up and come with him so that we could both get out together. So I did.

We checked out and stumbled out to the car. We threw our bags on the ground and got in the car so we could rest. We sat there for about 30 minutes before Jaymeson had the strength to get out and put our bags in the car. We continued sitting there for another 30 minutes, because neither of us had the strength to drive away. I started to get really worried because I hadn't felt the baby move in a few days (you are supposed to feel them 10 times in an hour), so Jaymeson called my midwives office and explained the situation to the answering service. The midwife called back shortly later, and suggested that we come into Labor and Delivery and have the baby monitored.

So, Jaymeson somehow mustered up enough strength to drive us from downtown SLC to the hospital where I will be delivering. They hooked me up to an IV (my first IV ever) and baby monitors to monitor my uterus and the baby's heart rate. Once the monitors were on, we saw that the baby's heart rate was very low, almost not there. So they decided to keep me monitored for a little while, and try a couple things to shake the baby up to get his heart rate going again. 

The nurse kept asking about our weekend, and after Jaymeson explained how we were feeling that morning, she decided that she needed to test my blood. They took 6 or 7 viles of blood from me. A few minutes later, the nurse received a call from whoever tested my blood, went away to take the call, came back and said "You have an outrageous amount of carbon monoxide in your blood. And I'm assuming you do too (to Jaymeson). Let's get you to the ER." So, they took my husband to the ER, and hooked me up to an oxygen mask, while I sat there really not understanding what was going on.

They kept coming in and out asking more questions about where we were, and how long we had been there, etc. She said that the guy who tested the blood asked if we had spent the night in a building on fire, because our carbon monoxide levels were so high. (Normal is 0-2, and both of ours were over 22+.) She said that we were lucky to be alive, and that she should not have had us drive ourselves to the hospital.

Jaymeson's phone died, so I had no idea what was going on with him. They kept mentioning this weird chamber thing and that they were going to have to transport Jaymeson to a different hospital, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I didn't understand, and then my mother in law showed up. Luckily, Jaymeson was able to get ahold of her before his phone died so she came as quickly as she scould. She saw Jaymeson first in the ER and said that he was hooked up to oxygen and IV's like I was. In the meantime, the baby's heart rate was still "sluggish".

After an hour or so, they said they were going to take me to the Hyperbaric Chamber, and that they were able to figure out a way to have Jaymeson and I together. Thank goodness. So, they wheeled me to another part of the hospital where I met Jaymeson. Both of us in hospital gowns, hooked up to oxygen masks. They took more blood, ran a few other tests, and then talked about how we'd be spending the next 3 hours in the Hyperbaric Chamber. I still really had no idea what that meant. 

They wheeled us into a room that reminded me of being in a spaceship or something. They talked about how they were going to pressurize the room to the "third atmosphere" and fill the room with straight oxygen. The purpose being to basically suck all of the carbon monoxide out of our system, and add straight oxygen. Good news is, we could watch a movie! 

They sealed the doors shut with me, Jaymeson, and a technician inside. The room started to pressurize, and we could feel our ears popping. Once we were to the "third atmosphere", we had to put our helmets on. This part really freaked me out. I am slightly claustrophobic, so when I had this helmet suctioned to my neck, I started to panic. I got the technicians attention and mouthed to him that I couldn't breath. He was very nice, but probably thought I was an idiot because his response was "You are breathing straight oxygen." He came to the conclusion that I was just a crazy person, and pumped my IV up with Adavan, to calm my anxiety. It worked pretty quickly. We sat there and watched Bruce Almighty, and even a few episodes of Friends until the time was up. The room de-pressurized and the doors were opened.

 Then we went back to my room. Jaymeson was treated as an Outpatient, but he of course stayed in the hospital with me. I was hooked up to constant baby monitors and an IV. After the first treatment, the baby's heart rate livened up quite a bit, although I still hadn't felt him moving. We had dinner and had a few visitors and finally got to sleep around 1 in the morning. I was woken up several times in the night by the nurses because the baby monitor wasn't picking up anything. It was so frustrating! I think one of my nurses got so annoyed with having to come in so often, that she hooked the monitor up so tight that when I took it off in the morning, there was a huge crater in my belly.

They had us in separate Hyperbaric Chambers for our last 2 treatments. Jaymeson had to be up at 5:30 AM to go to his, and then mine was right after. This time, we were in individual chambers, which I thought would be way worse. But it actually wasn't. They gave me a small dose of Adavan, just in case I got crazy again, and we got to again, watch a movie. 

We had a short break, where we got to visit a little bit with Jayah (Weirdly enough, her mom was a few doors down having a baby while we were getting our treatments.) We ate lunch, and then Jaymeson was off to his next treatment. I took a nap, and then went to mine right after. When we were done, they did Neurological tests on both of us and more blood tests, and we were released. They talked about how there was a possibility of relapse, which would include memory loss, slurred words, etc, but there was no way to tell if that would happen to us or not. We were informed that we would have long term fatigue, and would feel hotter than normal, (Great, just what I needed at 36 weeks pregnant.) and that we would be more susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning in the future. They also said the baby could possibly have Neurological damage, but there was no way to know until he was born.

 We went to dinner with Jaymeson's mom, picked up Jayah for the night, and hung out at his mom's house until we were all too exhausted to do anything else. We both had the next day off of work, because I had a follow up appointment or two for the baby. We mostly just relaxed and spent some time together, reliving the craziness of the weekend. Sometimes, I still can't believe it even happened!

We had a follow up appointment 2 weeks after the incident with the Hyperbaric people, and I had doctor's appointments every other day doing stress testing on the baby. I was low on amniotic fluid after the incident because the baby wasn't getting any oxygen from me during the whole ordeal. Any oxygen he had, he was storing in his brain and heart, and not sending any to his kidneys, so he stopped creating amniotic fluid. Normal levels are between 8 and 24 and they struggle to find 5-7 each time. 

His heart rate looked fine mostly, but they considered having to induce me because they thought that out of my belly may have been safer than in my belly at that point. Although, that was just an assumption. I heard from every nurse and doctor that they really didn't know what to do with me because I was in "uncharted territories". They had never known of a situation like mine, being pregnant and poisoned by carbon monoxide. They encouraged me to lay down as much as possible and drink 3 liters of water a day to see if that will help. Luckily (or unluckily) I lost my job with JetBlue because I was hospitalized during training, so I was not working 7:00 AM-9:00 PM every day. I did continue to work full time with the law firm though... that is until I went in to early labor. But that is a story for another post. :)

We both are still in such disbelief of the whole situation. You hear about things like this happening, but never think it could happen to you or someone you know. Several of the Hyperbaric doctors told us that most people who are exposed to carbon monoxide never get treated and end up with neurological damage down the road. Sometimes they are even exposed in their sleep and never end up waking up. They told us several stories of people who carry portable CO detectors with them and have found themselves in places, such as restaurants, hotel rooms, even outdoors, with high levels if CO in the air. Needless to say, next time we've got a little extra money (you know, after the several thousand dollars of medical bills we all have now...) we will be purchasing a portable CO detector for every member of our little family. Just to be safe. 

I've received reports back from the fire department and the gas company, and found that just about every boiler in the building had something wrong with it, including broken pipes, unsealed doors, and recalled parts. The building was evacuated for inspections and testing, and carbon monoxide levels near our room were over 4000 ppm! Reports also showed that other people were treated in the hospital, but we were the only ones with high enough levels to need Hyperbaric treatment. 

And that is the story of how our unborn baby saved our lives. Although he will never understand what he did, we are forever grateful to him. If I had felt him moving, we would not have gone to the hospital that day. We would have gone home and waited out our weird sickness and possibly had some severe neurological damage because of it. Not only did he save our lives, but he saved the lives of every one in the building. If we had not gone to the hospital, the fire department may have never been called and the building may have never been evacuated, and a lot of people could have suffered worse poisoning than ours or even death. When I think about that, I get chills. So many people could have died that day. It's so scary. 

We still do not know if or what kind of neurological damage Tatum may have, but I am hopeful that he is just fine. He is a lively, happy baby, and looks and seems absolutely perfect. Only time will tell, but I think our little one will be blessed and will be just fine. :)

We love you baby boy! 

Tangled

Let me tell you about the story of me and Jaymeson.

Jaymeson and I have both previously been married. Ironically enough, our ex-spouses are cousins. (Shocker, I know.) Jaymeson's ex wife and I had become pretty good friends, and during both of our divorces,  I spent a lot of time conversing with her. She shared a lot of that information with him, and when both of our divorces were final, he kindly reached out to me... via facebook...

He sent me a short and sweet message stating that he understands what I am going through and that he was there if I needed someone to talk to. I responding, not thinking anything about it, with my phone number, and mentioned that we should get together sometime.

A few short hours later, I received a text. We texted practically non-stop all day everyday, for weeks and weeks and weeks. Jaymeson denies it, but I know that he wanted to go out with me.

Several months went by, and we stayed as "texting buddies". I was going through a lot, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I confided in Jaymeson, and he confided in me. He always mentioned things about how he really wanted to hang out, and how I was too pretty for him, and how I deserved the best there was. I, being the brat that I am, thought he was so weird. I didn't understand why someone I had never actual met, was so interesting in being my friend. A few times even, I would make plans with him, and then when he would be halfway to my house, I would cancel. (He lived in SLC and I lived in Provo-45 minutes.) There were even a few times where I invited him to come to my soccer games, and when he was almost there, I stopped responding so he didn't know where to go. (I know, I'm such a brat.)

However, we remained friends, and text buddies all day, every day.

One conversation we had while at work, was about Tangled, the movie. He had mentioned to me about how he wanted to see that movie so bad and how he especially wanted to see the "Smolder" from Flynn Rider.

Five months had come and gone since that first facebook message, and we had only seen each once. I needed a date for the BYU vs. Utah women's volleyball game, and had ran out of options. I asked him if he'd like to come, and of course, he jumped right on it. We made a bet, that whoever's team won, would be treated to ice cream by the loser. I went for Utah, and he went for BYU. Utah obviously won, and he treated me to Farr's ice cream. We talked a lot about our ex's and I remember that he kept staring me straight in the eye. To this day, he remembers that I lined my ice cream with 'nilla wafers, and he still thinks it's cute.

Afterwards, he dropped me off at my car, we hugged, and I left. I thought to myself (and apparently so did he) that's never going to happen again. We parted ways and remained as text buddies.

Five months went by, and Jaymeson and I had slowly stopped texting. I went home to Houston for Christmas. For Christmas that year, I gave each of my parents and my siblings, a date night, of their choice, on me. Each of us did various activities, but my little sister and I went to Tangled and ice cream. While we were in the movie, I saw the "smolder", and immediately thought of Jaymeson. I texted him and told him that I was thinking of him, and Merry Christmas, etc. He responded shortly after, and we commenced our texting as normal. Come to find out later, when he received my text, he called all of his closest friends to find out what to say next, and waiting as long as he could before he responded. If I remember correctly, it was 20 minutes at the most. :)

I came back to Utah, and we continued texting all day, every day. He mentioned to me about a girl that he had kind of been dating, that he really liked, who had recently broken things off with him, but he thought it was a mistake. I encouraged him to reach out to her, and actually helped him write her a facebook message to explain how he felt. He wrote it all out and sent it to me to review (I, being the English freak that I am, corrected all of his grammar and punctuation, and sent it back.) He then started hesitating on whether or not he was actually going to send it to her. I "threatened" him, that if he didn't send it to her, I would find him and kick him... or something like that. A week or so later, he told me that he had sent it to her, but she had never responded, and he had given up. Come to later find out, he didn't actually send it to her. He didn't actually want to start things up with her again. And he regretted even talking with me about it because he didn't want to scare me away.

Jaymeson's birthday is January 13, just two weeks after mine. We were texting while I was at work a few days before and he had mentioned how he had no plans on his birthday. (Come to later find out, he did have plans to go to dinner with his ex wife...) I felt kinda bad for the guy, so I quickly tried to plan a surprise birthday party for him.

DISASTER.

I invited the few friends of his that I knew of, his family, and his ex's family (because as far as I knew, they were all still friends.) Boy, was I wrong. I picked up Jaymeson to take him to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, and we got there, and there was quite the feud going on between his and her families. They settled down, we had the most awkward dinner of a life time. And then Jaymeson and I finally got to see Tangled together. It was a lot of fun, and he, like old times, would send me texts throughout the movie because he thought it was cute. We went back to his condo after the movie and talked for a few hours and then I went over to his ex's house to spend the night. Her, Jayah, and I stayed up all night talking, and then I went to work early the next morning.

The weekend after that, he asked if he could pick me up to go check out Cabela's with him and Jayah. He drove all the way to Provo to get me, then back up to Lehi to Cabela's. We hung out, ate lunch, watched Jayah marvel over all of the animals, and then he took me home. We continued as text buddies. I told Jaymeson that I didn't feel comfortable going out with him without it being ok with his ex (because we were friends). So he talked to her about it. She texted me and told me about their conversation and told me that we should continue seeing each other and that she thought we were a good for each other. And then Jaymeson and I started to see each other more and more and more.

It took him 3 whole weeks to kiss me, and I was going crazy. Poor guy was so nervous! He later told me that he just decided he was going to do it, and told his friends "See ya later, I'm going to kiss her tonight!" and met me in the parking lot of my work. We talked for a few hours, and then it was way too late and time for both of us to head home. I kept hinting that I wanted him to kiss me, but he just wasn't doing it. So I finally pulled away from him, he grabbed my hand, pulled me in and kissed me! He was shaking like crazy, and I'm sure I was too.

It was then that we decided to be exclusive. We spent as much time as possible together, and dated for a year and a half before we got married. It was difficult, we were both still healing and discovering ourselves from our divorces, but it was worth it. Jaymeson and I were made for each other and I couldn't be happier. Of all the choices I have made, my decision to stick with him through it all, was the best thing I ever did.

Thank You Sweet Stranger

They always say good things come to those who wait. They also say when one door closes, another door opens.

Today, I am a witness, and a testament of both of those statements.

I knew that me losing my job recently happened for a reason. I didn't know what it was, and I had no idea how or when I was going to find out, but today... I found out.

Let's back track. The day I lost my job, lots of coworkers, friends, and family reached out to help in any way they could. Lots of warm thoughts and kindness, lots of pick-me-ups, and LOTS of job leads.

One coworker recommended a friend who worked at a similar law office up in Salt Lake County. She gave me her number and I contacted her later that night. We texted back and forth several times about the job. I learned that it was essentially exactly what I was doing for the past 3 years. The office was down the street from my house, and the pay started at MORE than what I was making at Myler.

Needless to say, I was excited and hopeful that this would work out. The only problem was that I would be this girl's replacement, and that was contingent upon her getting another job.

We texted almost every day about the status of her job search, pros and cons about the position I was looking for, and other random things. She was a really nice girl, and she made me feel very confident about this job and my ability to do well in it.

A week had gone past and I interviewed for lots of other positions. None of them offered as much pay as I needed, and there was still no news of a new position for my new friend. She continually texted me to keep me updated, but I was getting discouraged. I emailed her my resume and she regularly checked in with me to let me know of any news.

Yesterday, I received a text from her saying that she got the job and that she would be turning in her two weeks notice the next day. She stating that she would hand in my resume when she turned in her two weeks notice and put in a good word.

Today, I received a text from her saying that she turned in my resume, and less than one minute later, a phone call from the office manager asking me to come in for an interview as soon as possible. I was so excited!! I had a few other interviews scheduled, and I needed to pick Jayah up from school, so I carefully planned out my schedule to make sure to do it all and get to each appointment on time.

I made it on time, even a few minutes early, and sat in their conference room waiting to meet with them. I met with the owner of the company and his office manager. It wasn't even an interview. They were so impressed by my resume that they knew they wanted me right away. I met with them for about 45 minutes and we laughed and talked and made plans within the company. The owner had to step out for a little bit, so I continued the "interview" with the office manager and then I was dismissed.

I walked out of the conference room and on my way out the door, the owner yelled to me "You'll be coming back, right?" I told him that I hoped so and walked out to my car. As soon as I sat down in my car, I got the call. I had gotten the job.

I have been BEAMING the last 3 hours because I am so excited about this new opportunity. Losing my job was devasting, heart breaking, and unbelievable to me, but I knew that something good would come out of this. I will now be working at a job that is down the street from our home, I will be making more than what I made after 3 years at the previous company, doing the exact same thing that I am so familiar with. They pay for my health insurance completely, and I start off with 12 days paid time off. Those 4 things, in itself, make this job 10x better than where I was before. I have the opportunity to grow majorly within the company, and so far, I get along great with every person I have met. I cannot express more, how excited I am for this new opportunity.

So I want to say "Thank You" to that one, sweet coworker for referring me to this awesome opportunity. And I want to say "Thank You" to that one, sweet, stranger whom I have never met, for caring enough and following through and helping make this position happen. I am so grateful to her for keeping me in mind and helping to provide this wonderful opportunity to me. I can't say that I would have ever done the same for a stranger before this moment.

A friend of a friend...

I realized something rather interesting at my Bridal Shower this past weekend.

There was a variety of people there, most that didn't know each other. As friends were introducing themselves to one another, the subject of how they knew me came up. Probably close to half of those girls there knew me as a result of my ex husband.

There was an old coworker of his.
An old friend of his sister's.
One or two good friends who took me in during my separation.
His old mission companion's wife.
His best friend's brother's wife.
A roommate from just after my divorce. 
The bridal shower even unknowingly took place in a home that I spent the summer of my separation learning to sew in.
Heck, I only know my fiance because of him!

As I heard the laughter of everyone's crazy story on how they know me, someone mentioned to me about how I must have gotten the friends in the divorce. As funny as that is, I think it is true! Mostly I don't talk to anyone I knew from when I was married, but those that I do are mostly mutual friends of ours that have stayed close to me and have supported me in my efforts to restore my life.

I am so grateful for the love and support that so many people have shown me going through my divorce up until finding the man of my dreams and marrying him for eternity. I know I couldn't have done it without so many of them, and I am so grateful that God has blessed me with some beautiful people to share my experiences with.

Guess I definitely got the better end of the deal.

Grateful

Normally I write in my blog when I have something to think about, something to teach, something to complain about, or something to nag about. Not today.

Today I am just grateful.

I am a lucky girl. And I think sometimes I forget just how lucky I am.

I have a family who loves me. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have a job that most people at my age, and level of education, don't deserve. I have a car that runs. I have a warm house, with warm and loving roommates. I have beliefs. I am healthy. I am getting an education. And so so much more.

I am so grateful for everything that my life has placed in my direction, and everything that God has blessed me with. Despite a lot of hard times in my life, I am so happy that I am where I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

At least for today. ;)

So today I want you to know, that I am grateful.

It is the reminder that the fight goes on...

"It is the plain and very sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our lives."

Thank you to my good friend Heidi for reminding me of this wonderful devotional given by Elder Holland several years ago.

I've been thinking a lot about this very thing lately. It always seems like the transition from Summer to Winter is always a hard time in the lives of people that I know. It certainly is for me. I hate the Winter. But besides that, I'm in the middle of a long process of a lot of big decisions in my life. I've been up and I've been down. I've had happy moments, and very sad moments. I've been hopeful, and I've been hopeless. And I've been really lost. But this passage from Elder Holland helps to put everything into perspective for me.

He reminds us that Satan doesn't want us to succeed spiritually. Meaning the small things, such as going to church every Sunday, reading our scriptures and praying, being an example to those around us. Or even the big things, such as living the Law of Chasity, or the Word of Wisdom, or choosing to be married in the temple. He reminds us that when we are at our highest points, they may feel, or even turn into our lowest points because of Satan.

Elder Holland says that "With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

He tells us that "This opposition turns up almost any place something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. It can occur in situations related to your family, Church callings, or career." And that is so true. When I look back at the moments in my life, where I was doing my best, that is when I felt the pressure to do my worst. And ironically enough, the moments where I have been my lowest, are the moments that I have drawn closest to God and strengthened my testimony in Him.

Something I have been falling short on is my ability to have confidence in myself, and in my decisions. I don't pray to know as often as I should, and then when I do, I doubt that my thoughts are coming from God, or if they are coming from myself. (You see, I am definitely an overthinker.) As Elder Holland explains, we can apply a great message from Moses to our every day lives today:

"Don’t let your guard down. Don’t assume that a great revelation, some marvelous, illuminating moment, the opening of an inspired path, is the end of it. Remember, it isn’t over until it’s over.

And God will help us to know when it is over.

My favorite quote from the whole devotional is this:

"The reminder is that we cannot sign on for a battle of such eternal significance and everlasting consequence without knowing it will be a fight—a good fight and a winning fight, but a fight nevertheless."

How often are we fighting for what is right? How often do we sit back and allow wrong to happen in our lives and in the lives of those around us? It's hard. This life is a fight. But just as Elder Holland states, "..we cannot sign on for a battle of such eternal signficance... without knowing it will be a fight...". And I am prepared to win the fight.

Something that brings me great comfort is this thought; "Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. … The Lord shall fight for you.”

The devotional ends with Elder Holland exclaiming, "If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it."

I have seen that in my own life, in my families lives, and in my relationships. I know that to be true. God will never allow us to be tempted more than we are able, and he will always provide a way for us to accomplish the things he asks of us.

We are here for a reason. This life is hard, but it is a test. And I want to pass it. I will pass it, with flying colors, and I will live in eternal salvation with my family forever. I cannot wait. :)

If anyone would like to read this talk as a whole; it is called “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence” by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. And you can find that on www.lds.org.

:)

A Sweet Experience

For those who don't know, I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man named Jaymeson. Our relationship has been full of ups and downs, and several unwanted and unnecessary circumstances and difficulties, but overall, it's all been worth it.

Because of my past relationships, I have lots of insecurities and a lot of those insecurities seem to bring me down and make me over think a lot of the things that I experience with Jaymeson.

The other day, I heard a song on the radio that made me feel a particular insecurity and it brought me down. (It's stupid how the littlest things can ruin a whole day.) Jaymeson, being the mind reader that he is, immediately could tell something was wrong. Now, since I'm a girl, and a stupid one sometimes, I try to hide it and pretend like nothing is wrong half of the time, but I also have this weird need to clean and organize things when I'm upset, so it becomes obvious. I went about cleaning my purse, folding random clothes on the floor, etc, and then I just got so overwhelmed with the way that I felt, that I just plopped myself down on the bed and began to think. My mind was running on one million miles an hour when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I forced myself up off the bed and into the kitchen. I proceeded to pull a bowl and spoon out of the dirty dishes in the dishwasher to clean them so that I could eat some cereal (it's my favorite, ok?) when Jaymeson walked up behind me and grabbed me and gave me the softest, sweetest hug I've ever had in my life. Then he grabbed my face, looked me right in the eyes, and said something along the lines of, "I don't want to be with anyone but you." Then he took the bowl and spoon from my hands and started to wash them for me. My eyes filled with tears as I watched him simply, and gently  wash those two dishes for me so that I wouldn't have to.

Two thoughts entered my mind.

The first being Christ, washing the feet of the disciples found in John 13. I pictured Christ gently washing the feet of His disciples, even Simon Peter who He knew would betray Him. I thought, how amazing can Christ be, first to be Christ, a perfect being, washing the feet of those who were not perfect, but then to be Christ, washing the feet of a man who He knew would betray Him. He didn't need to do it, but He did it to show them that He loved them, and to be an example to them.

And the second was service. Service seems to have been brought up in a lot of my more meaningful conversations lately. I've thought a lot about it, and about how when you serve someone, you learn to love them. And the more you serve, the more your love grows. Even the smallest things, like washing a bowl and a spoon.

I'm grateful for that small and simple experience that I had with Jaymeson. It touched my heart, and definitely made for a sweet memory, as well as strengthened my testimony of service and love.

Thank you Jaymeson.

Now, let's go catch some fish!

Day 14: Someone you could never imagine your life without.

Someone in this case consists of four beautiful girls.

I love these girls with all of my heart. I'm reminded of that every single day.

They are beautiful, talented, smart, loving, kind, generous, happy individuals. They are all different in their own ways, and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

Jessie Lynn is the oldest, the caretaker. So loving and happy and always there when you need her. She has been my shoulder to cry on, on countless occasions. She's a wonderful wife, and will be a wonderful mother to a million beautiful little babies someday. :) Jessie has taught me what it takes to love unconditionally, and to find the good in every one. 

Kristi Ann comes next. She is uplifting, and fun loving, always able to turn a bad day around with her silly sense of humor. She is a great wife, to a lucky man, and an even better cook. Kristi is always striving to be a better, and to help those around her be better. She taught me to put the Lord first and then everything else will fall into place.

Next comes Kelly Marie. She is my little side-kick, and yet she always seems to put me in my place. We always have so much fun together. She's happy, and funny, and loves to make others laugh, plus she's really good at painting nails. ;) Kelly taught me what it's like to be a kid again, especially when I try to grow up too fast, and to never settle for less than the best.  

And last, but definitely not least, comes Katie (what the heck is her middle name??!...) Katie is so sweet, and innocent, and always striving to do whats right. She is cute, and funny, and so very loving. She became my best friend so fast, I don't think she knew what was coming to her. Katie taught me to be an example, even when it's not easy, and the importance of being different.

These girls came into my life through one specific, bumpy road. That road wasn't very long, went under some big time construction, had several detours, and then got shut down all together. But these girls were there to rescue me and bring me back to a safer, more healthy road. They are my sisters, and despite the best efforts of certain individuals, they always will be. There's nothing that can change that. I live for these girls. And I literally can't imagine my life without them. I love you girls!



Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 9 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

I have some of the best friends any girl could ever ask for.

Literally.

This particular award, was a toss up, but I have other plans for Raven...

So the WINNER is....

Jessie Lynn Smith

Jessie is my best friend, my companion, my confidant, my soul mate, and my sister.

It is not a lie when I say that she has gotten me through EVERYTHING.

I have only known Jessie for about 2 1/2 years, but those 2 1/2 years have been probably the hardest I've ever had in my life, and she has been there every step of the way, even when it became difficult for her.

I could not ask for a more perfect friend for me than her.

Jessie, you are the most loving, caring, helpful, genuine, beautiful, smart, and good hearted person that I know. I am so grateful to have you in my life, and I can't imagine my life without you in it! I hope you know how much I love you, and I hope that we are friends forever. And that someday, when I am married, you and Justin can be great, lifelong friends of me and my husband. You are amazing, and an inspiration to me! I love you so much, Jess!

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with... Cue Raven. :)

Day 4 - A picture of your night.

Well, my night consisted of 

this guy

and this girl

cafe rio

redbox

and a rose.

I could definitely get used to this. :)