Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, Jaymeson and I suffered from Carbon Monoxide (CO) poisoning while I was 36 weeks pregnant with Tatum. Jaymeson and I have been through a lot the last 2 years during our recovery, and still have a lot to go through. A lot of it is unknown at this point, but it is there.

I didn't think today was going to feel much different than any other day. But, I woke up this morning, moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer, heard my sweet baby boy shout "Mom! Get out?" from behind his bedroom door, and I burst into tears. I opened his bedroom door and I saw his sweet, perfect, little face laying on his bed just staring at me. I picked him up and held him close, kissed his face a million times, and whispered "I love you so much" in his ear over and over again. He even whispered "love you much" back. He will never understand the magnitude of my love for him. He will never fully understand what it meant to save his parents lives before he was even born. And I will never forget that I could have lived my life without him in it.

Jaymeson and I often lay together after the kids go to bed and just hold each other and reminisce about our lives and our story. This one comes up often as we talk about the changes that we are each going through and how they effect ourselves and each other and our families. It's still so unreal to both of us. It's like it was all a dream. I can't even explain it. We lived those moments, we are still suffering from the experience, but somehow it just doesn't seem real. 

I heard on a song on the radio recently that reminded me of how I feel currently. I hate when official music videos ruin the song. So here it is with just the lyrics,

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Starting today, I will let go of what's gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Look here and here for a recap.

Things you don't say to someone with a TBI

What is a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)? Well, google defines it as "an insult to the brain from an external force or substance, possibly leading to permanent or temporary impairment of cognitive, physical, and psychosocial functions, with an associated diminished or altered state of consciousness."

This could mean anything, right? A car accident, a sport accident, falling down the stairs, physical abuse, lack of oxygen to the brain, etc...

Being someone who has experienced a TBI (lack of oxygen to the brain through Carbon Monoxide poisoning), I have experienced the frustration of feeling as though no one understands what you are going through, and feeling as though you have no support. It's true, it's close to impossible to understand or truly support someone who is experiencing a trial that we have not been through ourselves. But as good friends, neighbors, and family members, we try to be there for those we know that are experiencing something difficult.  

I was thinking about those posts that you see about what not to say to certain people experiencing certain things (ie; What not to say to a Pregnant Person, What not to say to a Stay at Home Mom, etc), and decided to come up with one of my own regarding TBI's. Mostly because it's a way to get my frustration out about it without offending anyone directly. I think it's good to be aware of these things, because you never know who you may come in contact with who is suffering from a TBI. Remember, TBI's almost always show no physical signs and can be hard to detect.

For background on what I am reffering to, click here or here.

So, with the help of brainline.org, here is my list of 10 Things Not to Say to Someone with a Brain Injury

1. You seem fine to me.

"The invisible signs of a brain injury — memory and concentration problems, fatigue, insomnia, chronic pain, depression, or anxiety — these are sometimes more difficult to live with than visible disabilities. Research shows that having just a scar on the head can help a person with a brain injury feel validated and better understood. Your loved one may look normal, but shrugging off the invisible signs of brain injury is belittling. Consider this: a memory problem can be much more disabling than a limp."

I have experienced this on countless occasions. In a way it is nice to hear, but more often than not, it is belittling and frustrating. Yes, I am happy that you can't tell by looking at me that I function a lot less normal than I used to. But also, that doesn't make me feel very validated in the changes that I am experiencing. In fact, it makes me feel like you don't believe that what I am going through is really anything at all. It makes me feel like the 2-3 doctor/therapy appointments I go to every week are considered pointless, when in reality they are changing my life.

 

2. Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough (you’re lazy).

"Lazy is not the same as apathy (lack of interest, motivation, or emotion). Apathy is a disorder and common after a brain injury. Apathy can often get in the way of rehabilitation and recovery, so it’s important to recognize and treat it. Certain prescription drugs have been shown to reduce apathy. Setting very specific goals might also help.

Do beware of problems that mimic apathy. Depression, fatigue, and chronic pain are common after a brain injury, and can look like (or be combined with) apathy. Side effects of some prescription drugs can also look like apathy. Try to discover the root of the problem, so that you can help advocate for proper treatment."

I have never experienced someone telling me that I am lazy. If they had, they probably would have been knocked to the ground because I am the very opposite of lazy. In fact, I have been accused, by at least 2 of my doctors, of taking on too many responsibilities and inhibiting my recovery. However, I have definitely felt a lack of interest to do things, including spend time with my friends, lack of motivation to do the things that need to get done, including laundry and dishes, and lack of emotion about things that matter, including arguments that Jaymeson and I may get into. I have also felt the guilt that goes along with that. I think the best thing to do is to push me a little bit. It's good for me to get out of the house and spend time with friends, or not give up on my regular responsibilities, or to force myself to care about something when I know I don't want to. So don't take no for an answer... unless I have a really good excuse.

 

3. You’re such a grump!

"Irritability is one of the most common signs of a brain injury. Irritability could be the direct result of the brain injury, or a side effect of depression, anxiety, chronic pain, sleep disorders, or fatigue. Think of it as a biological grumpiness — it’s not as if your loved one can get some air and come back in a better mood. It can come and go without reason.

It’s hard to live with someone who is grumpy, moody, or angry all the time. Certain prescription drugs, supplements, changes in diet, or therapy that focuses on adjustment and coping skills can all help to reduce irritability."

I have heard this one quite a few times myself, and to be honest with you, I can't blame them. I am more of a grump than I have ever been. But that doesn't mean I like it, or I want to be that way. I believe that it is mostly because my brain is not able to handle as many things as it used to. So, while I look like I'm angry or not having fun, my mind is probably just preoccupied with other things that I am not realizing where I am. I have also been accused by a therapist of not living in the moment. That's actually one of the main things I am working on right now. Living in the moment and not letting my brain wander and missing out on regular every day occurrences because my brain is "out of this world". 

 

4. How many times do I have to tell you?

"It’s frustrating to repeat yourself over and over, but almost everyone who has a brain injury will experience some memory problems. Instead of pointing out a deficit, try finding a solution. Make the task easier. Create a routine. Install a memo board in the kitchen. Also, remember that language isn’t always verbal. “I’ve already told you this” comes through loud and clear just by facial expression."

I have never been told this out of anger, but I have been told similar things in a joking, nonchalant manner. Something along the lines of being frustrated because I didn't hear them the first time, or that I asked them the same question multiple times. Again, for me, it's a multitasking thing. If I can't focus on what you are saying because I am preoccupied with something else, chances are I have no idea what you said. In some of the therapy that I go to, I am learning ways around this. Such as, taking notes, asking you to repeat yourself, asking you to slow down, etc. Some of them are working, and some of them still need some work. 

 

5. Do you have any idea how much I do for you?

"Your loved one probably knows how much you do, and feels incredibly guilty about it. It’s also possible that your loved one has no clue, and may never understand. This can be due to problems with awareness, memory, or apathy — all of which can be a direct result of a brain injury. You do need to unload your burden on someone, just let that someone be a good friend or a counselor."

This seems like something very harsh to say to someone who is struggling, and I personally haven't heard it so I don't have much to say. So... just take note.

 

6. Your problem is all the medications you take.

"Prescription drugs can cause all kinds of side effects such as sluggishness, insomnia, memory problems, mania, sexual dysfunction, or weight gain — just to name a few. Someone with a brain injury is especially sensitive to these effects. But, if you blame everything on the effects of drugs, two things could happen. One, you might be encouraging your loved one to stop taking an important drug prematurely. Two, you might be overlooking a genuine sign of brain injury.

It’s a good idea to regularly review prescription drugs with a doctor. Don’t be afraid to ask about alternatives that might reduce side effects. At some point in recovery, it might very well be the right time to taper off a drug. But, you won’t know this without regular follow-up."

I am not currently taking any medications, other than good ole' birth control or some sort of antibiotic to fight off whatever sickness has invaded my body. I have personally made a solid effort to try to resolve my impairments on my own instead of relying on medication to make it happen. I believe that I will be stronger in the end for it, and that I will have less chance of relapsing if I can learn to deal with this myself. Sometimes I do feel like I need something and that I can't do it on my own, so I understand completely how the statement above can be very frustrating. I know how it feels to not want to do any of this anymore and just give up. Some people have less will power or are less stubborn than I am, but the medication thing is definitely a reality. 

 

7. Let me do that for you.

"Independence and control are two of the most important things lost after a brain injury. Yes, it may be easier to do things for your loved one. Yes, it may be less frustrating. But, encouraging your loved one to do things on their own will help promote self-esteem, confidence, and quality of living. It can also help the brain recover faster.

Do make sure that the task isn’t one that might put your loved one at genuine risk — such as driving too soon or managing medication when there are significant memory problems."

I am guilty of trying to control too many situations, even before the brain injury. I feel capable of doing most things thrown at me, and as a result of that, I sometimes don't trust others to being able to appropriately handle things (at least the same way that I would). I have a hard time allowing people to do things for me unless I know that it is so so simple that they can't screw it up or it's something that I just don't want to do. But even now, I'm learning that it's important to do things for myself to help rebuild those skills that I lost. Yes, I need to give up more responsibilities sometimes, but I don't need to hand off the responsibilities or even part of the responsibilities that I have chosen to take on just because I may be a little slower at it than I used to be. Practice makes perfect, and that is true in the recovery process. 

 

8. Try to think positively.

"That’s easier said than done for many people, and even harder for someone with a brain injury. Repetitive negative thinking is called rumination, and it can be common after a brain injury. Rumination is usually related to depression or anxiety, and so treating those problems may help break the negative thinking cycle.

Furthermore, if you tell someone to stop thinking about a certain negative thought, that thought will just be pushed further towards the front of the mind (literally, to the prefrontal cortex). Instead, find a task that is especially enjoyable for your loved one. It will help to distract from negative thinking, and release chemicals that promote more positive thoughts."

Literally, this is the hardest thing to do. "Think positively." Yea. Sure, I can think to myself that I am lucky to be alive, or I'm lucky to not have as many issues as this other person. But to actually be able to think positively in the midst of a real struggle, is sometimes extremely difficult.

 

9. You’re lucky to be alive.

"This sounds like positive thinking, looking on the bright side of things. But be careful. A person with a brain injury is six times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than someone without a brain injury. Some may not feel very lucky to be alive. Instead of calling it “luck,” talk about how strong, persistent, or heroic the person is for getting through their ordeal. Tell them that they’re awesome."

This is the number one thing that I hear. And honestly, it doesn't really bother me. It actually makes me feel special. It's true. I am lucky to be alive. Jaymeson is lucky to be alive. And Tatum is lucky to be alive even more! I haven't experienced any suicidal thoughts or similar, thank goodness. Sometimes I do feel like I can't do this anymore, or I can't deal with that anymore.  I understand why someone would have those terrible thoughts. It is beyond frustrating not being able to live and act and be the same person you have lived your whole life being. Having to completely restructure yourself, by no choice of your own, is not an easy task.

 

10. Take your time -- we are not in a hurry.  

I took one out that I felt didn't really apply, and added this one. People who have experienced a TBI often are not as quick as they used to be. Saying "Take your time, we are not in a hurry", while very considerate of you, also makes us feel like a project or incapable. We know that we need to take our time in order to effectively do something. We know that you are waiting on us. We know that you can probably do it faster. Although it may be a considerate statement, think about how you would feel if you were struggling to do something you used to be able to do just fine and someone telling you to take your time because they aren't in a hurry. (You know, because if they were in a hurry, you better not be taking your time.) Don't you think you'd feel a little unnecessary pressure? Maybe I'm crazy.

 

11. And as an added bonus... Are you sure your doctors know what they are doing?

This one I also added myself, and is my favorite. And by favorite, I mean least favorite. No. I have absolutely no idea if my doctor's know what they are doing. They are just my doctors, who specialize in what I am going through. They are just changing my life, little by little, every time I see them. They are sometimes the only support that I have. They only studied exactly the treatment that is recommended for me for several years of their life. You're right. They don't know what they are doing. Ok... lots of sarcasm. But really, I'm not a doctor. So I guess I don't really know. I just know what has been recommended for me and my family, and what is helping us right now. 

 

I'm lucky (or unlucky) because my husband was also exposed to CO poisoning at the same time. So even though he may not be experiencing all of the same side effects that I am, he understands that I am different and that I am going through changes, and it may be awhile before I can adjust enough to feel comfortable in my own skin again. It also makes our relationship a lot harder than it used to be sometimes. We are both going through so many changes, and sometimes you just want consistency. Sometimes it's frustrating if the one thing you are supposed to count on (your spouse) is not always capable of being counted on due to their injury. Jaymeson and I are both loyal and determined people, and I have no doubt that we will make it through this and be stronger in the end. So, maybe we are lucky. :)

A short update on each of us: I am still going through Cognitive Rehab and Counseling. I am progressing on up the "scale of recovery" and things are going well. I definitely have my hard days, and some very hard days. But I am grateful that I am near specialists who can help me, and that I am able to get the treatment that I need. I really don't like the person CO has changed me to be. I really hope someday I will get back to who I used to be before, but I don't know if that's a reality. Jaymeson, due to work, has not been able to start his recommended treatment yet. We are hoping that he will be able to work out a schedule with his office soon that will allow him to get the treatment he needs regularly. Tatum is perfect, almost. He has had some kidney issues, that may or may not be related to the CO poisoning. (More likely that they are considering the kidney issues he had just prior to birth and at birth.) We are treating it as it comes, and hopefully we will have more answers soon. Other than that, he is perfect. He is developing just how he should be, and he is the light of our lives!  

Someday, when I am in a better state of mind, I hope to create some serious awareness for CO poisoning. It may be a few years before I am able to do this, but it is something I want to do and feel strongly about. I will use this blog to follow our progress sometimes, but I am always open to talking to people about it. Sometimes it's hard, but that's good for me. So, if you have questions, feel free to ask. And for now in terms of awareness, if you don't have a CO detector in your home... GET ONE. Seriously. Here is a link for one. :)  

 

Introducing My Baby...

Tatum Blake Roush

Born on Friday, July 19, 2013, at 6:17 AM

6 lbs. 12 oz. and 20 1/2  in. long

In honor of Tatum's 4 month birthday tomorrow, I have decided to finally write his birth story. Here goes!

Everything had been going like normal, other than the fact that Jaymeson and I had Carbon Monoxide poisoning 10 days previously, which meant I would have to go to fetal monitoring 2-3 times a week. During those appointments, they discovered that my baby was not creating any amniotic fluid (because of the CO poisoning), and my levels were very low. They had talked about maybe having to induce me if it got too low, but at that time I was okay.

On July 18, I was officially full time at 37 weeks. I woke up and went to work like normal, although I noticed that I had started to leak something. I didn't really think much of it because everything is always so weird when you are pregnant, and went about my work day. Throughout the day it got worse, where I was going to the bathroom every few minutes because the pads I was wearing were full. (TMI? Sorry.) So I started to think, what if my water broke? I texted me wonderful neighbor, Chelsea, to ask her what it feels like when your water breaks. She is the mother of 4 children, and always has really great advice so I thought she might be good to ask. She told me her thoughts and then recommended that I call my midwife.

Well.... I really didn't want to call my midwife, so I just went about my day. Then I thought, maybe I should ask Jaymeson what he thinks. So I did. He also told me to call the midwife. I thought about it for a little while, and then I decided to call my midwife. I explained what happened, she asked a few questions about contractions and such, and then said "Well, come on in. If you're not going to have this baby on your own, then we are going to have to induce you." I hung up the phone. Looked out of my office door, made eye contact with Megan (a fellow pregnant co-worker) who asked if I was ok, and I immediately started bawling. I was not ready to have a baby! And I definitely didn't want to be induced.

Some of my coworkers came into the office and tried to calm me down. Another coworker ran upstairs to tell my boss that I was going to have a baby and that we would be leaving soon. His response was "Well, better take her to the hospital. We don't have any towels." Why am I not surprised at that response? ;) Meanwhile, the leaking continued. I called Jaymeson to let him know that I was going to the hospital and they said they would induce me. He informed me that he was all the way out in Springville (close to an hour from the hospital) and wouldn't be able to leave until a replacement came. (It's like my worst fear about labor was coming true.)

I got to the hospital, checked into labor and delivery, put on one of  those awful gowns, and waited for a nurse to come check me out. They hooked me up to the fetal monitors that I had become so familiar with, and then checked to see if my water had actually broken. During this process, we could see that I was having pretty steady and strong contractions, however I didn't feel any of them.

They lifted my bed and shined an obnoxiously bright spotlight at my baby making areas to check for my water breaking. They kept referring to something called "Ferning", which I eventually found out was how they could tell if your water had broken. They swipe your vaginal area with a swab, put it on a slide, let it sit for about 10 minutes, stick it under a microscope, and if they see ferning (the shape of an actual fern plant), then your water has broken. Well... they came back, and said that it hadn't. So I asked what I could possibly be leaking, and they didn't have any answers. I asked them to please check again to see if my water had broken, because I knew that it had. They lifted my bed again, got out that annoying spotlight and did their "ferning" process again. While we were waiting for the results, someone came in with an ultrasound machine to measure my amniotic fluid. It was lower than it had recently been, but still not too low, so they determined that part of the fluid was being hidden. 15 minutes later, they came back with results of the ferning test and said that my water had indeed, not broken. I, again, asked what I could possibly be leaking if my water hadn't broken, and the response was "You must have a yeast infection." Right. I have absolutely no signs of a yeast infection, I am 37 weeks pregnant, and I am leaking,  but no, I just have a Yeast Infection. I asked them if they could at least check me for dilation, in which they responded that they would do that at my next appointment, which wasn't for 6 days. Ok then.

They gave me a prescription for antibiotics to clear up my so-called Yeast Infection. I got dressed, checked out of the hospital, and went to get my prescription. (Side note, I think the worst thing about being pregnant, is going to the hospital, thinking you are in labor, and finding out that you are not.) My plan was to head back to work, but by the time I finally got my prescription, it was close to 4:00 and I didn't feel like it. So I left the hospital, let Jaymeson know I was being sent home, and headed over to pick up Jayah from her moms.

On the way to Jayah's mom, I started having contractions that I could feel and were painful. . They came out of nowhere and where immediately only a few minutes apart. I picked her up, and she begged me to take her swimming at Jaymeson's mom's house. We went home to get our swimsuits and then headed over. My neighbor called to see how everything went at the hospital, and could tell that I was in a lot of pain while we were on the phone. She recommended going back to the hospital, but I of course didn't listen because I didn't want to get sent home again. (Reminder, always listen to Chelsea. She knows best.) So I went on my way to my mother in laws.

Once we got there, the contractions had gotten even more painful, and she could immediately tell that I was in a lot of pain. I kept having to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't. I was doubled over on the couch trying to handle these contractions. I couldn't concentrate or respond to anything anyone was saying to me. I remember being in the bathroom, and my friend Cassie called, and even she could tell I was having a hard time!

Jayah kept begging to go out to the pool, so we decided to head out there and get me in the water to see if that helped at all. By now, my mother in law was almost positive that I was going to have a baby that night. We had started to time my contractions and they were about 2 minutes apart for over a minute long. I asked my mother in law to call my midwife and she did. She explained the situation to the midwife on call (also the one who I had seen earlier that day), who's response was "Well, she can come in if she wants, but she's going to be disappointed when I have to send her home again." She also said that I could have contractions like that for days before going into labor, to which I thought, NO WAY can I have contractions like this for days. I am completely dysfunctional like this. In the meantime, my friend Stephanie (who was due 9 days after me) had heard the news that I was having contractions and was texting me. I don't remember anything we talked about it, but I am sure that it was along the lines of freaking out, and oh my gosh you are having a baby.

After getting in the pool (which made it worse), we decided that I needed to go back to the hospital. My mother in law called Jaymeson (who was still out in Springville) and told him that I would be having the baby tonight and he needed to get home to take me to the hospital as soon as possible. After what felt like hours (was probably really only an hour), Jaymeson got there, picked me up, and we headed to the hospital.

Throughout my whole pregnancy, I had decided that I wanted to have a natural birth. At least, I wanted to try. On the car ride there, I was in a lot of pain and made the decision that no way was I going to try to do this natural. We got to the hospital, checked in, and I immediately asked the nurse for an epidural. She told me that she couldn't give me an epidural because they weren't sure if I was in labor or not, but they could give me some pain killers to take the edge off. Yea right. That stuff didn't work at all. All I remember about this part was that I kept telling Jaymeson how stupid this was ("this" meaning the pain), and how much I hated it, etc. Haha!

They lifted my bed up, got out the annoying spotlight again to check for ferning, came back about 15 minutes later and confirmed that my water HAD broken and I was dilated to 3 cm.. Thank you for confirming what I already knew was true. Luckily this time, it was a different midwife so I didn't scream at her for sending me home earlier when she shouldn't. I liked this one also, because she was the one who was there during the CO hospitalization, so I was familiar with her, and she was really nice.

After they confirmed that my water had broken, they brought in the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural. Once the epidural was in, I was in HEAVEN. It seriously, was the best thing ever. And I will never even think about doing a natural birth again.  I was calm, I wasn't in pain, and Jaymeson and I were left sitting there talking about how crazy it was that we were going to be having a baby that night. Shortly after this, Jaymeson's mom brought Jayah to the hospital to hang out with us. We played some games, watched some tv, and talked about what her baby brother would look like.

Shortly after that, Jaymeson, Jayah, and Jill left to get food and pack a hospital bag for me. (Reminder, don't wait until 37 weeks to back your hospital bag... just in case.) About half an hour after they left, they called to see where I was at. I had dilated to a 7! They hadn't even been home yet, so they raced home, then they raced back to the hospital so that they wouldn't miss anything. Jaymeson told me that Jill was driving 80 miles an hour the whole way back to the hospital.

A few hours went by, and I was still dilated to a 7. My contractions were still 1-2 minutes apart for over a minute long (though, luckily I couldn't feel them.) My midwife had decided that she needed to do something to speed up the labor, so she gave me some Potocin. At that point, they checked to make sure the baby wasn't breached or anything like that. They found out that he was head down, but he was face up. They said that I could still delivery him that way, but that it would be more difficult. So they decided to try to get him to turn by having me lay in certain, weird positions until it was time to push.

By then it was after 9:00. Jayah had fallen asleep, Jaymeson was falling asleep, and Jill was texting me parents keeping them updated. Hours passed, and I was left awake watching stupid middle of the night tv shows and waiting for something to happen. Finally, 5:00 AM or so came around on the 19th and my midwife told me that the baby had turned face down, it was time to push. Holy cow, this was it! I woke up Jaymeson and Jill and got ready to push.

How come nobody warns you about pushing? Pushing was by far, the hardest part of labor. It was so tiring, and there were times where I didn't think I could do it. I pushed for about an hour, and out came my cone headed, bald baby boy. At some point during pushing, I had taken my glasses off. So when he came out, and they plopped him down on my chest, I really couldn't see anything. The lights were dim, and I was honestly too tired from pushing to care. Then they took him away to measure him and everything, and brought him back.

They informed me that because he was in my belly too long without any amniotic fluid, that he had a fever and an infection, so they were going to have to take him away from monitoring and antibiotics. I got to hold him for a few minutes, wake up Jayah to hold her new baby brother (yes she slept through the entire delivery process), take a picture, and then they took him away. They finished cleaning me up and then wheeled me to my room where I would be spending the rest of my time at the hospital.

I didn't see Tatum for a few hours after he was born. You know how mom's will say that they fell in love with their baby the moment the laid eyes on him/her? That wasn't the case for me. It took me a few days to really fall in love with Tatum. And I really believe that it was because I didn't get to spend any real time with him while we were in the hospital because they kept taking him away from me for testing and antibiotics. Jaymeson had to work all night the night after Tatum was born, so my wonderful mother in law came and stayed with me at the hospital. When Jaymeson came, he was of course exhausted, so he slept all day. Then he had to work again all night. And slept all day again, the next day. So, I spent a lot of time alone.

Because of the lack of oxygen to Tatum's kidneys, he was not pooping or peeing like he was supposed to. They were worried that his kidney's might be defective and talked about having to keep him longer even after we were discharged. I did not want to leave my baby at the hospital by himself! Luckily, just before we were discharged, he pooped and they let us take him home. We got him dressed in a cute outfit and put him in his cute carseat and headed home. It was the craziest feeling to me and I was completely overwhelmed.

We pulled up to our house and I sat in the car bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed and I didn't know how to be a mom. I contribute a lot of the reason that I was so overwhelmed to the fact that my house was a disaster. We didn't know, or even expect me to go into labor so soon, so we hadn't prepared at all. My wonderful mother in law could sense that and hung out at our house for a few hours and deep cleaned everywhere. I love her and I am so grateful for her. It was really hard for me being so far away from my family, and having none of my family there for support, but she took such good care of me. I couldn't ask for a better support system and mother in law than her. :)

So, now my sweet baby boy turns 4 months old tomorrow and I am so in love with me. After I had him, everyone would ask me if there was anything about having a baby that surprised me. My response was always, "I never knew that I would love him this much." And it is so true. I love Tatum more than anything in the world and the past 4 months have been the happiest of my entire life. He is perfect and wonderful and I am so grateful to be his mother. I love you baby boy!

At 4 months, Tatum is very vocal. He talks all the time and is very opinionated in his "words." He smiles so big when he sees me and his daddy, and he loves to be held. I am no longer able to nurse, so he drinks from a bottle that he can hold himself. He wakes up every 3 hours or so to eat and then he goes right back to sleep. He loves to hang out in his Johnny Bouncer (even though he can't bounce himself, he just likes to stand in it.) He was blessed on October 13, in Texas with my family. And he is the light of our lives. Here are some pictures of his life so far (sorry they are out of order):

1 month old

1 month old

2 weeks old

1 day old

2 Days old

6 weeks old

3 months old

2 months old

Almost 4 months old

Things are about to get crazy...

I have been meaning to write this blog update for about 2 weeks, and life has gotten so busy that I haven't been able to! I don't even remember all of the things I wanted to write about anymore!

I had my third study appointment on May 16, at 28 weeks. We got to see our little boy again, via 3D ultrasound. It was kind of cool... and kind of creepy. He had some rather large lips, and a very wide set nose. I left hoping that the baby didn't come out looking the way he did on the ultrasound, and I think Jaymeson left wondering if the baby was actually his. (joke.) Good news is, I have heard that most 3D ultrasound pictures make your baby look like they have bigger features, because they are so squished in there.Cross your fingers!

We found out that the baby is head down, butt up-left, and feet up-right, and he's not going anywhere because he doesn't have any room to move! We also found out that the baby is measuring 2 weeks bigger than he's supposed to be, and I am measuring 2 weeks bigger than I am supposed to be. They said that either he's going through a growth spurt, or I'm more than likely going to have him early. I'm not really sure which one I am rooting for.

I had my regular doctor appointment on May 17, where I did the dreaded Glucose test. It really wasn't as bad as everyone makes it out to seem. I was nervous I was going to end up with Gestational Diabetes, but luckily I am all good. The only issue they have found is that I am a little bit Anemic, so I need to get a little bit more iron into my system. Easy schmeazy.

I did end up switching to a midwife group, and I'm actually very happy! The midwife I met spent a lot of time in the beginning answering a lot of my questions and concerns. I really loved that she focused a lot of time on making sure I felt comfortable and understood everything I needed to know. I also really loved that she spent a lot of time talking to me about how their goal is to make sure that the birth is what I would like it to be. She even told me that I could make a birth plan if I wanted, but that their job was to ask questions and get answers from me and do it the way I want it done, as long as neither mine or the baby's safety was at risk. I am so grateful that I switched! I feel so good about the midwife group.

I have started teetering between going natural and an epidural again. I think it's more of the fear of the pain that is starting to make me chicken out. I really am a baby.

Now, onto crazier things! Are you ready for this?

I am officially crazy.

I am taking a second part time job with Jet Blue Airlines, starting one week from today. And I'm kind of freaking out about it a little bit.

I'll be honest with you. The absolute only reason I am taking this job is for the flight benefits. I get free flights for myself, my husband, my kids, and my parents. Plus a number of buddy passes per year. The pay is not good at all, but I feel like I'd be a fool not to take this job, JUST because of the flight benefits. My family is all in Texas, so I never get to see any of them. Plus, I am a penny pincher. So we never go on any trips or vacations because I am always worried about saving the money. I'd like to be able to go on vacations with my little family, and not spend the entire time worrying about budgets and what's in what account.

For this job, I have to average 16 hours per week, in a 4 month period. And I get to work from home. They provide a phone and a computer. There are health benefits (that I will not be taking advantage of), the flight benefits, and pretty good paid time off benefits. They seem like a really fun company to work for (parties, take your kid to work day, etc), with lots of room for growth.

I am also going to keep my current full time job at the disability law office, although I will be dropping down to 30 hours a week. I have a really great position, and I have been doing this for almost 4 years, and they have been really good to me. I will be going back to work after I have my baby. I'm not sure to what capacity yet, but I will be working at least 30 hours per week, for insurance purposes.

So, my life is about to get crazy. Starting one week from today, I will have to attend a mandatory 4 week, FULL TIME, training with Jet Blue. I will also have to continue working full time at the law office. On June 10 orientation, we get to bid for our shifts based on seniority. My training group obviously has the least seniority, and within the training group they base seniority off of your age. I'm pretty positive I am the youngest in my group, so I will probably have the crappiest shift for the first 4 months until we get to bid again! After the 4 week training, I will continue regular hours with the law office, and commence my schedule with Jet Blue.

Like I said, I'm freaking out a little bit.

It's going to be so so hard, and I'm going to probably want to rip my hair, and everyone else's hair out on a daily basis. But I'm really, sincerely, hoping that it will be worth it once the training is over.

One thing that I am a little worried about with Jet Blue, is that you are not allowed to schedule any time off during the first 90 days of employment. That puts me somewhere in mid September before I am allowed to schedule any time off., which is obviously after my due date. I AM allowed to switch shifts, or give away shifts,  but I hear that it is kind of difficult to do that when you work the crappy shifts, which like I said, will probably be mine. So, my concern is that I will be scheduled for shifts, and then I will go into labor, and then I won't be able to get them covered, and then I get fired and lose all of my cool flight benefits. Gah!

SO... if any of you work for Jet Blue, or know someone who works for Jet Blue, please let me know! I'd like to find someone who would be willing to pick up my shifts (if any) last minute while I am in the hospital delivering a baby. That would help me out so much, and I would love you forever!!

Anyways, on to other updates. Jayah is in her last month of Kindergarten Prep before she starts Kindergarten in August. I can't believe she's so big! She had a dance recital this past weekend, where she got to be the wicked witch, and she was so so cute! We also took our maternity pictures yesterday, by the beautiful and wonderful Kristin Gaul. (click to see her website). I am so excited to see them.

AND my best friend is coming to Utah this week!! I can't wait to see her! I am taking a day off to spend with her and her cute family, and then we are taking some maternity pictures together (because she is due less than 2 weeks after me!) It's gonna be awesome!

Stay tuned for more updates! :)

Meet Bella

For Jayah's fifth birthday, we decided to get her a puppy. And since she doesnt get a little sister this year, we decided on a girl puppy. 

Meet Bella. Our American Bulldog puppy. 

This was on the second day we got her, the day we gave her to Jayah.

This is when we bought her a bed. It matches her cute collar and everything!

 She's pretty cute, huh? Well cute is all she is! I have never had a dog before, so she has been somewhat of a challenge for me. Sometimes I am sure that I hate her. I just hope and pray that this puppy is no indication of how I will be as a mother...

This is trying to take her on a walk. She definitely hates her leash.

In her defense, she has gotten a lot better. She has less accidents and doesn't bark and whine all night. Jaymeson thinks she gets a little jealous of me because every time we sit on the couch together, she barks and snaps at me. That is the only time she barks or snaps at anyone, except the little kids in the neighborhood who try to carry her around like a baby. Jaymeson is also sure that she is going to become my best friend, so much so that I will want her to sleep with us. I disagree. She stinks!

Jayah sure loves her though!

The day Jayah met Bella.

Getting Bella's first shots.

 In pregnancy related news, I am now 25 weeks and very fat. I feel the baby kicking constantly, and sometimes I am sure he is break dancing in there. 

Feeling pretty good these days, think I am starting to get a little heartburn though...

Anyone know of any heartburn solutions? (other than Tums)

...I have started to crave things like mustard and sour skittles. In which I haven't been holding back one bit. Probably why I have gained 16 lbs! In the words of my nurse, "Wow, you sure have jumped up!" Thanks. My belly measured at 24 centimeters though, so I guess I am "right on track". 

My next appointment is the glucose test, and also my first shot in the butt. And then I will be in my 3rd trimester. Woot! 

Did I mention we bought a house? We closed a month ago. I love it! It's nice having our own space and having room to just be. It is mostly put together, but I am sure things will always change. Our neighborhood is super cute, with a park right in the middle of our little square. There are TONS of children for Jayah to play with. I can even watch her at the park from my kitchen! One of our neighbors said it is like recess all the time out there. It was a long and hectic process to get here, but we are finally here!

  

 

Oh yea! I got a Samsung Tablet! Happy birthday to me... 4 months later. My dad got me an Amazon giftcard for my birthday that I have been just waiting to find the perfect thing to use it on. I wanted to buy a crib with it, but Jaymeson and my dad convinced me that I needed to use it on myself. It was hard, because I dont like spending unnecessary money, but they were right! Sometimes you just need to spoil yourself. And I cant remember the last time I did that! I love it so far, but still getting used to the Android system. 

Speaking of that, does anyone know how to watch tv shows for free on this thing? I dont mean like on Netflix, I mean current shows. How am I supposed to keep up to date on American Idol without cable!?

Jayah had her first school pictures a week or two ago. She is just so cute! She is loving her Kindergarten Prep class. She also had Kindergarten Orientation last week! I can't believe she is FIVE and almost in Kindergarten! 

April 2013

Jayah eating milk and cookies at Kindergarten Orientation.

 She started a soccer class at her school. They flew in some Brazil soccer players for a 7 week soccer camp, and she is loving it! I am so impressed by how talented she is athletically. Jaymeson and I took her to the park last week and played some soccer with her and she did so well! I can't wait for her to start on a team and to be able to be her coach! I miss soccer so much! 

 

She is also enjoying her dance class. She is quite the little ballerina! She is having a performance this summer where they are dancing to the music from The Wizard of Oz. She gets to be the wicked witch! Her teacher has been so impressed at how well she is doing, that she even gets to have a solo or two in the performance

Anyways, I think that is all for now. Work has been super busy, but I will try to post more often. See ya next time!

NuMom2Be

At my very first prenatal appointment, I saw a sign on the door of the bathroom for a new mom study. Requirements were that this had to be your first pregnancy or you have had no more than 2 miscarriages under 20 weeks, and you had to be in your first trimester. So I thought, sure why not? I looked into it, and was chosen to participate.

It is a University of Utah study, called NuMom2Be.

The purpose of the study is to find out why so many first time pregnancies have complications or turn to miscarriage. You have one appointment per trimester, where they run tests, do a pelvic exam, and an ultrasound (3D during 3rd trimester). Then at delivery, they take samples, and wah-la! I'm done.

Did I mention this is all free, and I'm compensated for my time?

The coolest thing about it is that I get 3 extra ultrasounds that I wouldn't normally have. Yesterday was my first appointment, at almost 12 weeks.

 

Baby at Almost 12 Weeks

Baby is certainly starting to look like a baby. We still think it's a boy, and it's looking like he's going to be tall like his Daddy and big sister. Also, baby is growing pretty fast, because my due date has changed 3 times! First it was August 7, then based on the growth of the baby it was August 4. As of yesterday, the due date is August 1.

I have mixed feelings about the due date moving up, because I want the baby to come to us as soon as possible (healthily), but also, I have this weird thing about wanting to not have a baby-baby on our first wedding anniversary. I guess it would be ok, though, if the baby came early enough before our wedding anniversary, that I could go out with my husband and celebrate while not looking like a whale. (not likely)

Sometimes I get sad when I look at my facebook cover photo and think, "I'm never going to be that skinny again." At least, my genes are against me. Boo.

Back to the point of this post, the appointment was cool. It was at the IMC hospital, where I plan to give birth. Which is also the hospital where Jayah was born. It went just about how my 6 week appointment was. They took some blood from me, I did a urine test, pelvic exam, and an ultrasound. I also spent close to an hour doing an interview with the Research nurse. Basic questions about my overall health. In depth questions about my family health history, and even more in depth questions about my eating habits in the months prior to my pregnancy.

The bummer thing is that all of this information is anonymous. I am just a 10 digit number. So I'll never get the results of any of my testing. They also keep samples of everything they take from me for future testing. You know, in case they find any correlations with anyone else.

I was worried that Jaymeson wasn't going to be able to make it to my appointment (because his work sucks), but luckily he was able to get there right on time. We are 3/3 on appointments with Jaymeson. Hopefully we can keep that track record going all the way through pregnancy.

One (cool) thing that I learned through filling out questionnaire after questionnaire, is that my mom had the Rh Factor Issue as well, which resulted in 4 of her miscarriages. Her blood type is O Negative, as well as 3 of my other siblings, which could be the only reason why we survived to full term. Which is also weird because normally you get the blood type from your father, and my dad is not O Negative  Luckily, that was 20+ years ago, and technology and medicine is much more advanced than it used to be. Maybe I will be able to have other babies after all. :) That is, if I feel like I can survive pregnancy/child birth a second time.

Another (not cool) thing that happened at my appointment, is that my records are under a different name. So when they printed my ultrasound picture for me, it said Heather Cheney. Gag. Luckily, the Research nurse was nice enough to black out the name on the photos for me. :) So now I need to go get my Roush License ASAP, so I can get in there and change my name with the hospital. I don't want to see that ever again, especially on my ultrasound pictures! Does the whole name changing process ever end?

Next study appointment is in March, where they will confirm the sex of the baby. We will have our normal appointment a week or so before that one, so it really will just be more of like a confirmation. But still cool!

I want to thank all of you for your comments to my previous post. I love reading everyone's opinions and it has definitely helped me to consider things I probably wouldn't have normally considered. I am always open to opinions of others. Like I said before, I am very uneducated on all things baby-making, so I appreciate all the help I can get! 

Announcing...

Jayah is extra excited to announce the birth of a baby brother or sister next Summer!

Jayah has been asking for a baby sister for as long as her Dad and I have been together (coming up on 2 years). Although, we aren't entirely sure that we'll be able to fulfill that wish 100%, we've got a good start!

The news came on a Thursday night when I was just two days late for my period. It was a stressful day, with lots (and lots) of crazy things happening. Jaymeson had mentioned his worries about if I was pregnant, etc, and how knowing that I wasn't would relieve some stress.. So we decided to take a trip to the local Smith's to get a pregnancy test.

 (Can you tell this wasn't planned?)

At Smith's, all the pregnancy tests were locked up in their own individual boxes, so we had to have a sales associates unlock the box for us. It took him probably 4-6 minutes to figure out how to do it. Then we bought it and headed home. The whole way home, I was reading online about the best time/way to take a pregnancy test. Jaymeson wanted me to take it right away, but I wanted to wait until morning, or until I was 7 days late, or any other time so I didn't have to face a "no" on the test.

I pretty much refused to take the test until the morning, so Jaymeson went to bed, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I took the test and saw this...

I sat there for a minute, texted this picture to my friend Sarah, and panicked. I have been baby hungry for quite some time, but I never actually thought it would happen so soon. I wandered around the house for a few minutes thinking of how to tell Jaymeson. I have always imagined the cutest ways to tell my husband that I was pregnant, so I wanted to plan something super cute. That lasted for a few minutes (I have no self control.) before I laid down next to Jaymeson and tapped him on the forehead to wake him up. I dropped the test down in front him. He looked at it and said "What?" and then "Why are there two lines?" and then held me until we both fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning, while it was still dark, to kisses all over my face from Jaymeson and then he left for work. We didn't get to talk all day, but when he came home he was very happy. He was super excited about our news, and he even told all of his work buddies. I, on the other hand, had turned into a worry wart. I have since, somewhat, warmed up to the idea, but I am still super nervous. I don't know if I am quite ready for this!

I am 6 weeks along, and so far pregnancy has made me one, mean Mama! I am tired (all of the time), hungry (all of the time), although nothing tastes or sounds good, and grumpy (all of the time.) Who came up with this pregnancy thing anyways!? 

We had our first appointment a few days ago, where they took SEVEN viles of blood from me. We did some other normal tests, and then we did an ultrasound.

Normally they don't do ultrasounds that early in the process, but I was having some pain in my left side so they were concerned about the location of the pregnancy. (Ectopic Pregnancy) The ultrasound found my uterus with a teeny, tiny baby in it right away. Thank goodness!

So all is well and Jaymeson and I are in the process of looking for a house to fit our new addition, and I am praying every day that I don't get fat.

The Day I Became a Wife and a Mother

Hello everyone! You are now looking at the new Mrs. Jaymeson Roush! Woo hoo!

Our wedding day was definitely everything we never imagined. And I mean that literally.

The day before the wedding, my dress got lost at the dry cleaners, the flowers we ordered didn't actual get ordered or delivered, and some... other drama. My dad, my sister and I spent the entire day running errands and putting last minute things together. Jaymeson and his friends went out for a little bachelor party that night, so it was just me, Jayah, my mom, and my sister hanging out and packing for the honeymoon. We finished some last minute honeymoon shopping at about midnight and went back to the hotel for a blessing from my sweet brother and grandfather, and then bed.

I woke up early early the next morning (wedding day) with a stomach ache and back pain. I was able to spend the night at the Hilton Garden Inn with my mom and sister. They had snuck out before I woke up so they could get me breakfast in bed. When they came back, I was already awake and the second I saw them, I immediately cried. My mom laughed because it was kind of ridiculous, and then talked to me for a bit about my nerves and helped me to feel better. She told me that she would never forget that moment. Her daughter, on her wedding day, sitting in bed, watching cartoons, eating breakfast, and crying her eyes out.

We ended up finishing our food, and then rushing out to go take care of some last minute errands. Including getting my ring cleaned, buying a special surprise to give to Jayah at our ring ceremony, and picking up AND delivering the flowers that were supposed to be delivered the day before. I was supposed to meet with my good friend Cassie (also my hair and make up artist) at the hotel at 11, but I was of course, late. I got there shortly after and was surprised that she brought my long lost best friend, Stephanie, with her! She ran to gave me a hug, and I cried again. I couldn't help it, I was nervous, and stressed, and anxious! haha

Cassie and Stephanie helped make me and Miss Jayah beautiful for our big day, and then we rushed over to the temple.

Our sealing in the Jordan River Temple was set for 2:00 PM. Jaymeson, true to his colors, was 45 minutes late. (We were supposed to be there at 1 to work out paperwork, etc, and 1:45 comes around and along strolls in my handsome almost-husband.)

The sealing, however, was the best part of the whole day. We walked into a room full of family and friends and people who supported us. I was shocked. I looked around the room and literally cried because of all the love and support I felt in the room. (Ok, I practically cried the whole week, but really this was an emotional moment for me.) I sat down next to my sweetheart (who was nervous as heck) and listened to the sealer share some beautiful words. And then we got married! It was amazing. Jaymeson and I looked into each other's eyes the whole time and all of my fears washed away. I knew that he was the man I was going to spend eternity with, and I couldn't have been any happier.

Afterwards, we were greeted by so many loved ones outside the temple. We took a few pictures and dismissed everyone so we could take pictures of our brand new, official, family.

Afterwards, we left for our ring ceremony and reception. The ring ceremony ran late, but it was short and sweet. Jayah played the part of flower girl perfectly, and my dad walked me down the aisle. Jaymeson's brother Blake "officiated" and it was pretty cute. We exchanged rings, and gave Jayah a gift for her to remember our special day. Then we had the reception.

Practically nothing went the way that we planned, and after about two weeks of being emotional and thinking about it constantly, I have decided that it doesn't matter and it's not worth my time to talk to about it. The place was beautiful, the pictures are beautiful, and we are finally married. And that's all that matters.

We left for the night and headed home, woke up early in the morning and headed off for our honeymoon. Honeymoon was awesome, but I'll save that for another post.

Being married to Mr. Jaymeson Roush has been, so far, the best 3 weeks of my life. Jaymeson and I didn't have the easiest dating life, we have had to deal with and overcome practically every challenge in the book. Being a new mom to Jayah is also pretty amazing. I have been a major part of her and her dad's life since she was 2, so we are pretty used to each other, but I love being able to say that she is my daughter. She makes it easier than I ever would have thought this would be. Although it's only been 3 weeks, I know, without a doubt, that Jaymeson and I are supposed to be together, and Jayah is supposed to be part of our little family. Being married to him is definitely different and a thousand times better than being married to... well, you know. And our family is a solid one. I can't wait for the years to come, watching Jayah grow, and adding new additions to our perfect family.

Several years ago (and by several, I mean like 10), one of my most favorite people in the world mentioned to me that every time she sees her husband, she thinks to herself "Wow, that man is good looking." I don't know why that stood out to me so much, but it was something I always thought to myself would be cool to have, but probably wouldn't happen to me. But it did! Every time I see Jaymeson, I smile to myself and say "Wow, that man is good looking." :)

 















Shout out to Dave Neeley Photography. It is because of him that I no longer worry about the bad things that happened at the wedding. Him and his lovely wife, Cassie, took a very frustrating day and gave us beautiful pictures to look back on. I couldn't be happier with our choice of photographer and can't wait to see the rest!

For a sweet little sneak peak of the reception, click here!!

7/21/12

Today I got to be there to experience Jaymeson go through the temple for the first time. Oh my goodness, it was beautiful and perfect and better than I could have imagined! Normally the man gets to see the women go through the first time, but in our unique situation, I was blessed to be worthy to be there with him when he made such an important step in his eternal life. And I cried like a baby. (I blame the birth control.)

I'm going to admit that I was a little bit nervous. I was unsure of what he would think, or how he would feel. But he was a complete natural! I feel like I have been waiting for this moment forever, but I think I forgot that Jaymeson has been waiting even longer. He has completely turned his life around and prepared for this moment, coming up on 3 years.

I'm so proud of my Jaymeson for taking initiative of his own life and making the choice to get sealed in the temple some day. Today he made sacred covenants that many doubted he ever would. One week from today he and I will be starting our eternal family, and although I know so many doubted us and fought hard to break us apart, I could not be happier to be spending the rest of eternity with such a wonderful man. He has helped me become someone to be proud of and I couldn't have asked for a more loving person to share my life with.

Congratulations Jaymeson, you are an incredible example to your family and friends. I love you!

7 more days...

One life to live.

I'm a big time Greys Anatomy buff. I love it, and I look forward to it every week. The season finale ended a few weeks ago, and I have practically been lost every Thursday night, not knowing what to do with myself.

While watching Grey's Anatomy several weeks ago, I practically re-lived a very real feeling, that I felt over 2 years ago.

To sum it up: Christina and Owen are married. They start to have issues, things go bad, and then he cheats on her. She knows it (but not literally), and confronts him about it. He admits to it. She is hysterical and locks herself in the bathroom.

I'm almost positive, that was my exact reaction when my husband cheated on me. Bathroom and all.

I am not a crier. But while watching that scene, I got really emotional. I literally felt how it felt to love someone so much, and have a serious commitment to them, and then find out something that heartbreaking. It was a small and short depressing moment for me.

And then, I looked to my right, and there was my sweet, sweet Jaymeson. Who was probably feeling similar feelings, as the very same thing happened to him at the very same time that it happened to me.

I looked to my right, and I felt love. Real love. We have been together for close to a year and a half, and it was like butterflies all over again. I laid my head on his shoulder, and I felt safe. I knew that as long I was with my Jaymeson, I would never have to feel that dreadful feeling ever again. And I am so grateful for that security.

I am so grateful to Jaymeson for loving me like he does. For dealing with all of my crazy insecurities, and proving to me time and time again that he will love me unconditionally for eternity. I know that everything in my life has led to me him, and I couldn't have asked for a better someone to share the rest of my life with.

37 more days!!!

What I wanna know is...

...how in the world can anyone claim that any sort of physical relationship, with someone besides your spouse, while you are still married, is NOT cheating?

Right?

So, I had a little fall out with my ex today. Lovely. We rarely talk to each other,  and when we do, it is always very cordial, to the point, and then goodbye. Now, this little gem from my past is getting married in a few weeks. One, it has come to my attention that certain members in his family have that strange idea that I want to keep him from getting married. And two, the same certain family members seem to be in denial of a few facts from our marriage.

Someone that I really look up to, who also happens to be a member of that family, told me her story shortly after my divorce. It's very personal, so I will not share. But basically, she was very much wronged by someone very dear to her. She hid it for so long, for fear of what people would think, fear of doing the wrong thing, and fear of hurting someone's feelings. She held it in for so long, that it eventually became unhealthy for her. The wrong-doer eventually passed away, and she finally realized that she did not need to hide the truth any longer. It wasn't that she needed to make sure to shout to the world what really happened, but that she needed to respect herself, her health, and her future relationships by "owning up" to the truth. She told me her story so that I would know that someday, I would be there too.

There's something about owning up to the truth with yourself, and with others, that is healing. And after this little falling out, that's where I am today.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I do not agree with divorce, in almost any circumstance. But in mine and my ex's case, I do. That was a hostile marriage. It was unhealthy, and unhappy, and going to take more effort than it's worth to make it work. We both could have done things differently, but ultimately it was his decision to get divorced, and despite all of my efforts, there was nothing I could do to change that. I believe that he expected marriage to be something very different than it is, he expected things from me that are not realistic, and he didn't expect to have to share his life with someone else, or to have anyone to be accountable to. To be frank, he was not ready to be married. He longed for the single life, and he managed to find a way to experience it although, we were still married. A decision had been made, the papers were signed (or soon to be signed), but we were still married. (FYI: A marriage is not a marriage when you sign the marriage license. It is a marriage when you sign the marriage certificate. Then, and only then, is it legal. Same with divorce. A divorce is not final once the motion is filed. (Although some people like to use that as an excuse.) A divorce is final once it has been signed by the judge. Then, and only then, is it legal. Take that up with God if you have any questions.)

With that being said, my divorce was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I went through Hell and back, and recovery was hard. But I made it through quickly, and I have been so grateful to not be married to that man since. There have been times where it has been hard. Not because I wanted to be with him again, but because it's hard to go from being married to being single all because of one piece of paper, within a matter of minutes. But overall, all of that pain was worth it.

He is getting married very soon, and I couldn't be happier for him. I don't know who he is now, or if he is ready for marriage this time, but that's not my concern. Sometimes I hope that poor girl that he met online is smarter than I was, or that things will be different for them. But I really do not care either way. If they make it work--great! If they don't--well... great! It does not matter to me. Believe me, if it did, you all would know about it. I am in a very happy relationship with someone I never would have found if it weren't for Jon, and I am grateful for Jon for that. But I wouldn't have things any other way. So...congratulations to both of them!

Maybe Zac Brown could tell it a little better?

Does that resolve anyone's concerns?

In 2 days, it will be one year from mine and Jaymeson's 2nd first date. In about 2 weeks, it will be one year from our first kiss. And I am so happy! Jaymeson and I have been through so much together. We both came out of very hostile, unhealthy, and unhappy marriages, and we found each other. We were friends, helping each other heal for about 6 months, and then it just clicked. Out of nowhere, we couldn't get enough of each other, and then we started dating. And that's the way I've always wanted it. We started out as friends--best friends. And that developed into a strong and successful relationship. We are celebrating his 26th birthday this Friday, as well as the anniversary of our 2nd first date, and I am so excited!

If there is still any doubt about the way that I feel, feel free to direct yourself to my pictures. You will never see either me, or Jaymeson happier, than you do in those pictures.

Speaking of Zac Brown... his concert is next weekend! Woot!