One Year

It's been ONE YEAR since this happened. One year, since we almost lost our own lives, and our unborn baby's life. One year, that changed the rest of our lives forever.

It's been a long time since I've blogged, so I had to make a dramatic opening. ;)

But really, it's been one year exactly since Jaymeson sluggishly drove us to the hospital with concerns about not feeling the baby move, only to find out we were minutes away from death by Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Jaymeson and I think about that day all the time. It's really crazy to think about and to try to remember all the details!

I think about the feeling of me not being able to sleep all night, and the feeling of having to physically wake Jaymeson up that morning. I think about how it took us over an hour to pack our weekend bag to check out because we were both so weak. I think about Jaymeson opening the window in the bedroom and telling me that he felt like he could breath better when he stuck his head out of the window. I think about feeling weird and dark, and weak. I think about finally getting our bags together and dropping to the floor next to the front door because I couldn't move anymore. I think about stumbling down the hallway to the elevator and telling Jaymeson to just leave me because I couldn't go anymore. I think about him encouraging me and lifting me out of the chair so that we could get out of the building. I think about finally getting out the front door and slowly walking through the parking lot to our car, dropping our bags and collapsing in the car. I think about sitting in the passenger seat waiting to feel better, to feel anything. I think about Jaymeson calling my doctor's office because I hadn't felt the baby move in days. I think about waiting for a call back from my doctor who reluctantly told us to go ahead and come to Labor and Delivery. I think about checking into the hospital and having my blood taken. I think about my doctor coming back into our room with the test results, with wide eyes, telling us that I had outrageous amounts of CO in my blood and the baby was barely alive. I think about them taking Jaymeson to the Emergency Room and being left by myself with hardly any understanding of what was going on. I think about that one last text from Jaymeson telling me they were hooking him up to all sorts of machines, before his phone died and I didn't heard from him for hours. I think about the doctors telling us that we were lucky to be alive and that they shouldn't have told us to drive ourselves to the hospital. I think about them telling me that they were going to have to transport Jaymeson to another hospital to treat him. I think about my doctor trying all sorts of methods to get the baby's heart rate moving again. I think about begging the doctor to find a way to keep me and Jaymeson together. I think about being wheeled down the hall towards the Hyperbaric Chambers, not knowing at all what they were, but knowing I'd be spending the next 3 hours locked inside of one. I think about finally seeing Jaymeson again, in a wheelchair, with an oxygen mask strapped to his face. I think about them putting the air tight helmet on my head and panicking because of claustrophobia. I think about being injected with Adavan to calm my nerves. I think about test after test after test and no sleep and no understanding what was going on. I think about my how scared we were that the baby wasn't going to be okay. I think about them telling us that we would have serious neurological damage that would affect us for the rest of our lives. I think about the doctors repeatedly telling me that I was in "uncharted territories" and they had never heard of a situation like mine. (Being 36 weeks pregnant and having CO poisoning as serious as ours.) I think about hearing the doctors saying that they didn't know what was going to happen to the baby.

Carbon Monoxide is funny. The symptoms are never ending. At least that's what all of our doctors tell us. Symptoms we felt then, are completely different and stronger now 6 months later. Symptoms 6 months later are different and stronger now, one year later. It's very heartbreaking for me to think about the damage that CO poisoning can do to someone, and then hear that most people don't get treated for it. Most people feel like we felt, and just let it be and then end up with so much Neurological damage later on in their lives. And then I think about how we almost did that. If it wasn't for not feeling the baby moving, we probably would have done that. And Tatum might not have made it. We might have ended up completely brain damaged. Tatum is our life saver.

The hardest thing for me to think about, is not having him. I didn't even love him or know him then. A lot of people talk about becoming pregnant and immediately being in love with their baby before they are even born. It wasn't like that for me. I loved him then, but I didn't know how much I loved him. And to think about him passing away and never being able to meet him and get to know him and feel this way about him, makes my heart break.

We don't talk about this a lot, because it is awkward, and sad, and frustrating, but I have been encouraged by my doctors to open up about our situation so that we can create a strong support group for ourselves. Jaymeson and I are suffering from the never ending symptoms of CO poisoning. At first we felt fine, and slowly as the months went on, we noticed that I was forgetting things. I was stumbling over my own feet. I was having trouble concentrating. I was leaving the stove on all night, or my car on all day. Jaymeson was slurring words and not making sense. Both of us are abnormally fatigued, and our body temperature not the same. At our 6 month follow up appointment, our Hyperbaric doctor made the determination that I needed to have extensive neuro-psychological testing. Jaymeson did as well, but he wasn't ready to take that step. My 8 hour appointment was scheduled one month in advance.

So, I took the day off work, arranged for Tatum to be babysat by my good friend and next door neighbor, and headed to my appointment. I had no idea what to expect, and I had no idea how exhausting the testing was going to be. But I did it, and I'm so glad I did. One month later I came back for the results. They told me that my tests show that I have highly above average intelligence, that I am very capable, and that everything looks good. Except for my memory. For my age and health, memory is normally in the 80%. Mine came back 20% and I was told that if the treatment they were going to send me to didn't work, then I was on the road to Dementia. I got a referral for Cognitive Rehab, to work on my working memory, memorial recall, processing, and concentration.They also determined that they wanted to do a little bit more testing on my balance, and also my eyes. So I was sent to a Balance Specialist and a Neuro-Ophthalmologist (this appointment is yet to be scheduled).

I go to Cognitive Rehab every week, and it is very difficult. We practice a lot of memory and concentration skills, and I usually end my hour very fatigued and with a headache. I really like my therapist and I'm really hoping that it starts to get easier because sometimes I feel like I can no longer take it. One thing that I really need to work on is taking it easy. I'm so used to taking on a lot of responsibilties and being able to handle it, but currently my brain is not capable of handling as much as it used to. It was a very hard and emotional session when we came to the realization that I needed to give some of it up and rely more on my "support system."

I did go to the Balance Specialist, where within 5 minutes of testing, they determined that I would need to go to Balance Rehab as well. My hearing was perfect, and everything else looked good. The problem was that the part of my brain that helps me to balance, has died or is severely damaged. I have noticed more and more lately that I get dizzy easily and black out occasionally. Sometimes I am so dizzy that I throw up. I go to Balance Rehab about every other week. We practice a lot of skills to help me rebuild my balance and stability, but it's very hard. I would say it's even harder than the Cognitive Rehab. I usually leave feeling very sick and am out of it for the rest of the day.

Jaymeson has finally decided he is ready to take the neurological tests that I did, and his appointment is scheduled for the end of August. 

Tatum is still very unknown. He seems like a very healthy and happy baby boy, but I am told over and over again that his development levels could change at any time. So, we wait. And we pray that by some miracle, he will stay healthy and not be affected by the CO poisoning. It makes my heart break to think about him having to feel and go through the things that I am going through right now. 

One year ago, our lives changed in the craziest way. I know that every thing happens for a reason, but I can't say I understand in any way why this happened to us. I am grateful that we made it, I am grateful that Jaymeson pushed me so hard to get out of that building, and I am grateful our baby boy is here with us. His first birthday is next week, and I am so excited to celebrate his life with our friends and family. 

When Jaymeson and I are both done treating, we have big plans to create awareness for CO poisoning. It is a very scary thing that most people are in the dark about. If you don't have CO detectors in your home, I URGE you to get them. They are only about $25 per detector, and they can save your life. Get your furnaces and boilers checked every year, and make sure they check for CO before they leave. 

Well, that's all for now! I will try to do better with the blog. Love you all!