Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, Jaymeson and I suffered from Carbon Monoxide (CO) poisoning while I was 36 weeks pregnant with Tatum. Jaymeson and I have been through a lot the last 2 years during our recovery, and still have a lot to go through. A lot of it is unknown at this point, but it is there.

I didn't think today was going to feel much different than any other day. But, I woke up this morning, moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer, heard my sweet baby boy shout "Mom! Get out?" from behind his bedroom door, and I burst into tears. I opened his bedroom door and I saw his sweet, perfect, little face laying on his bed just staring at me. I picked him up and held him close, kissed his face a million times, and whispered "I love you so much" in his ear over and over again. He even whispered "love you much" back. He will never understand the magnitude of my love for him. He will never fully understand what it meant to save his parents lives before he was even born. And I will never forget that I could have lived my life without him in it.

Jaymeson and I often lay together after the kids go to bed and just hold each other and reminisce about our lives and our story. This one comes up often as we talk about the changes that we are each going through and how they effect ourselves and each other and our families. It's still so unreal to both of us. It's like it was all a dream. I can't even explain it. We lived those moments, we are still suffering from the experience, but somehow it just doesn't seem real. 

I heard on a song on the radio recently that reminded me of how I feel currently. I hate when official music videos ruin the song. So here it is with just the lyrics,

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Starting today, I will let go of what's gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Look here and here for a recap.

10 Week Baby

I had my 10 week appointment today. Jaymeson and Miss Jayah came with me. I was so excited for her to actually get to see Baby. She talks to him (we think it's a him) sometimes, and always kisses my belly goodnight, but I wanted her to really get to see him.

So off we went, before school, to see the wonderful Dr. Marilee Simons, whom I love. I did the standard tests with the nurse, (side note: They always ask if I can do a urine sample, and I always say "I'll try." And every time, without fail, I can. Pregnancy...) and then Dr. Simons came in. We talked about the pain in my left side, which is now completely gone. But before it disappeared, it got worse and weird. My left side was swollen, my left rib was sticking out, and it felt like there was something there every time I would bend that way. But it's all gone now, and it's all good.

All other pregnancy symptoms have pretty much disappeared, or I've just really got this whole pregnancy thing down. I don't have weird cravings, or any cravings for that matter. I hardly have morning sickness. I don't really have to pee a lot. My boobs aren't sore. I have only thrown up a few times. I don't have swelling. I don't have cramping. I don't have back pain.

My only pregnancy symptom is meanness. I am a mean pregnant person.

At my last appointment, they took 7 or 8 viles of blood from me. I got a recorded messages stating everything was all good, (you know, no STDs or anything) but she wanted to run over all the tests with me anyways. I like that about her,  she explains everything. One interesting thing I found out is that I am Blood Type: O Negative. O Negative is the rarest blood type. I can donate to almost anyone, but only O Negative can donate to me. Also one crazy thing about O Negative, is that if the babies blood is a Positive Blood Type, my blood could potentially attack the baby... which would obviously cause lots of problems.

She gave me some reading to understand the situation more. It's the Rh Factor. Most people have the Rh Factor, which means they are Rh Positive. I am one who is Rh Negative. Basically that means that if my blood comes in contact with someone's blood who is Rh Positive, I become sensitized and I will start to produce antibodies that fight the Rh Factor as if it were harmful. Once the antibodies are formed, they don't go away. Good news is, I don't currently have any antibodies

So during pregnancy, the mother and the fetus do not share blood systems, but sometimes a small amount of blood from the fetus can cross into the placenta into the mother's system. If that happens in my case, I become sensitized and create antibodies to attach and break down the baby's blood cells. That causes anemia, which can potentially cause severe illness, brain damage, or even death to the baby.

For a first time pregnancy with an Rh Positive fetus, the baby is usually born before my body would develop the antibodies, so there will most likely not be any problems unless there is some sort of traumatic injury before delivery. However, in a second pregnancy with an Rh Positive fetus, the antibodies are already developed and will most likely cause anemia. 

Lots of information to take in. For now, I have to get a shot on my butt, every appointment starting at 28 weeks up until delivery, to monitor the development of antibodies. Then if I am pregnant again, I will have to have shots every other week or so, and probably have a more high risk pregnancy. Yay....

After we talked about all of that, Dr. Simons wheeled in her little ultrasound machine, and we got to see Baby. At first I was really nervous, because he was not moving at all and I couldn't hear a heart beat. Then I laughed and the baby sort of bounced, and then started moving all over the place. We saw his little hands and feet moving around. We saw him rubbing his face and waving his arms. We even saw him roll over. It was the cutest thing! Jayah was so excited. She kept asking if the baby could see her, and kept talking and waving to him. She is so excited to have a little sibling on its way!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is Baby rolled over.

Here is Baby facing forward.

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My next appointment is in 4 weeks, and then the appointment after that we get to find out if our "he" is really a "he". I can't wait to find out and to start creating the nursery and buying baby stuff!

A Sad Story

I come from a family of 6 other siblings. Four brothers and two sisters. I stand right in the middle. Number 4 of 7. Number 2 girl of 3. And I also have 2 older brothers and two younger brothers.

I have always shared a room with my sisters. I never had my own room until I was about 14 and we moved into a bigger house that allowed the 4 of us left at home to all have our own rooms.

My sisters have always been my best friends. Although, I annoyed my older sister by stealing her clothes and make up, and my younger sister annoyed me by stealing my clothes and make up. We grew closer and closer as we grow older.

When I got old enough to leave the nest, I had to make a big decision between going off to college only an hour and a half from home, or going off to college halfway across the country. My plan had always been to head off to AggieLand and live with my older sister and be best friends with her forever like one, big, happy family. After lots of praying and meditating, I made the decision to ditch my plans, and head off to ice cold Rexburg, ID... right in the middle of Winter.

I'm getting off topic.

During all of that praying and meditating, something happened. Things changed between my sister and I. Her beliefs and feelings about a lot of things changed, and she distanced herself from all of us.

For four years, we slowly grew apart, which turned into no communication at all. I was blocked on facebook, calls and texts were never returned, and all of the sudden, I no longer had an older sister. I don't even know how it happened.

So, occassionally (and quite often), I think about my sister and wonder how she's doing. I wander onto facebook and the internet and try to find any information I can about her. I search her name to see if I can find a blog, a social network, a picture, anything. Most of the time I have absolutely no luck. But yesterday, I found something.

You see, a big reason why she distanced herself from all of us, was because she changed religions. She went from being a Christian (LDS) to being an Atheist, in what I felt like was overnight. Our conversations turned into arguments about the beliefs of the LDS church, and that was about it. She felt like we had abandoned her because she changed her beliefs. And although, I can't really speak for the rest of my family, I know that I always made it clear that I didn't care what she believed, I just didn't want to be pushed to disbelieve what I have believed and trusted my entire life. She was still my sister, and I loved her no matter what.

So I was searching for anything on my sister and I came across a google link that read "Is it (insert sister's name here)? I don't want to add the wrong person." I clicked and read. The post was from a person who was talking about their facebook account, and how they sometimes write contraversial things about religion to wrile people up. They explained that they lived in Utah County, and all of their facebook friends were devout Mormons and would always get upset about the things he would write. He was asking for people who were less than Mormon to befriend him, or lead him a direction of less than Mormons that he could befriend so that he could have other friends to trash Mormonish with. People commented, and then one person said "Add (insert sister's name here)."

I was devastated. I understand that my sister has chosen a different path than I have. And I understand that things are different. But, how could my sister be associated with such hateful people and hateful talk about something that I love so dearly. I don't understand it, and my heart hurts to think about it.

It's been over a year since my sister last spoke with me. I don't even know if she thinks about me, or wonders about me. And I certainly don't know if she reads my blog, so I may be risking even more by posting this. But I have realized that my blog is a place for my feelings. A place I can express myself, and let out all of my emotions. I just hope that one day, my sister will miss me and wonder about me, so that it may lead her to me again. I miss her.

Disposables

Somebody mentioned something the other day, that reminded me of a lesson I learned a long time ago.

Marriage is (not) disposable.

When I was in high school, I remember a conversation with my Bishop where he was talking about the difference between now and 10, 20, 40, 50 years ago.

Twenty-plus years ago, people worked hard for everything they had. If the toaster was broken, they'd fix it. If pants had a hole in them, they'd patch them up. If feelings were hurt, they'd mend them If a marriage was broken... they would work hard to fix it. People rarely took things for granted because they had to work hard to get it. They appreciated everything they had and took care of it.

Today, everything is disposable. People don't work for anything. People take everything for granted. Everyone is constantly looking for "out with the old, in with the new." If the toaster is broken, let's throw it away and buy a new one. If our pants are holey, let's get rid of them and get some more. If our marriage is broken, let's just get divorced. That's easier, right?

Wrong.

I realize that's harsh. I realize that some people aren't like that. But I have little faith in people these days. But there is one thing I have faith in...

I made a vow to myself, to God, to my family, to my husband that I would fight to the death for my marriage. No matter how hard it got, I would fight for it. That's what I did before, snd that's what I intend to do now.

Lucky for me, I found someone who feels the same way.

Jayah's Example

Jayah and I went to my bridal shower yesterday and I promised Jayah that if she was good, she could pick what we did after the shower. Well, she was good, so she got to pick, and she picked... shopping.

She's four, and she picked shopping. Specifically for makeup and nail polish and "hot heels". We are in for some interesting teenage years.

So we went to Old Navy to shop. I'm a bargain shopper, I almost never even look at anything besides the sale racks. So I found this cute little pink romper for $7.00, and some cute matching flip flops for $1.00 that I was so excited about. So I bought them. Next, Jayah just HAD to go to the mall. So we drove down the block to the mall. I was so excited about the outfit that I wanted to change her into it before we went into the mall. You can tell by the look on her face in the picture below just how much she loved it. But it's the reason that she "loved" it that surprised me.

I put it on her and was gushing about how cute she was in it and how her daddy was going to love it, and she started crying! I was so surprised because she loves wearing pink, and she is usually the easiest little girl, but she was crying! I asked her what was wrong, and her response was "I don't want to wear something without sleeves."

Holy moly, did I feel like a terrible parent. My little four year old was being the example to ME.

Modesty was never an issue to me because my mom pretty much never gave me any other option. I had a really good group of friends with the same standards as me growing up, and it was just never a question that I was going to be modest. After high school I went to the temple very quickly and have been wearing my "g's" since, so it has never really been an option since either.

Now I've been put in this unique situation where I buy a child clothing on a regular basis. I've been buying her clothing for close to a year and a half, but this specific situation has never come up. Ironically, the lesson in primary last week was on modesty. And Jayah wasn't even with us last Sunday!

Needless to say, I am truly impressed, and so proud of Miss Jayah for knowing the difference between modest and immodest, and being strong enough to tell me so. I hope that she will always remember that feeling, and strive her whole life to continue to be an example to others.

Thankfulness

With all the hustle and bustle of the holidays, and the busy-ness of everything that is life... I kinda missed the whole Spirit of Thanksgiving this year. And then it was slowly creeping up on Christmas, and I got a little worried. I definitely didn't want to miss the whole spirit of Christmas as well. So I stopped to slow down and think about all the things that I am grateful for. It didn't take long to come up with a pretty significant list. Here are just a few of them:

A job: I have a pretty sweet job. I work at a law office for people who are disabled. I help them to receive the help that they need to get anywhere in their lives. Most of the time it's pretty fulfilling. And since this is a positive, thankfulness post, I'm leaving it at that. I get paid great, I have a great boss, and wonderful coworkers, and it's pretty flexible with all the craziness that is my life. It's definitely a blessing to have a job at all, but especially to be a college student with the job that I have is truly a blessing.

An education: I hate school. I really do. But I am so grateful that I can afford an education. I am grateful that I am in the process of getting a University education, that teaches me to specialize in something that I love. I'm grateful for the teachers that take their time to work with me (and the craziness that is my life), and I am grateful for a program that allows me to do what means the most to me... which brings me to...

A major: Behavioral Science, or more specifically, Social Work. I am so grateful to be lucky enough to find something that I love and that satisfies me, and also something that helps me to better the world. Social workers don't get paid very much, but we have one of the most important jobs in the world. I get to help people heal. It's not easy, but it's so, so worth it. It also comes with some pretty flexible hours, and the ability to work from home for the one day when I have little kiddos at home to raise.

A family: Although my family is oh so far away, I am grateful that I have them. I never had a close relationship with any in my family really, until after my divorce. And then suddenly, I understood and appreciated all of them so much more. I have two parents that love me and want what's best for me, and take the time to teach me every time that I speak with them. Two sisters that love me and allowed me to steal make up and clothing from them all throughout my life, who also taught me to love and cherish what is important to me. Four brothers that love me, and pushed me around so that I could become the tough little chica that I am today, who also taught me to accept and appreciate the things that I have. And one neice, who is perfect in every way. My family also consists of grandparents, and cousins, and aunts, and uncles, and each of them have taught me something very special of their own.

A Jaymeson: This man is incredible. He is kind, and loving, and smart, and happy, and down to earth, and he has really changed me. I'm still me, but I'm a better version of me, because of him. Jaymeson and I have had an incredible journey to get where we are today. Full of ups and way too many downs, that have led us to something perfect. I never would have imagined I would be here with him one year later, but I am so grateful that I am. He is thoughtful, and sincere, and genuine, and he loves me, despite ALL of my flaws. And he loves my family. That means the world to me.

A Jayah: A perfect little three year old (going on 16) that I get to spend a significant amount of time with. I am grateful that she is so loving and so accepting of my many flaws. I am grateful that she is so snuggly, and always seems to know when I need it the most. I am grateful that she is so smart, and always wanting to learn more. I am grateful that she is always eager to help in every way that she can. I am grateful that she is Jaymeson's and that she will get to be a part of my life forever.

A friend: I have more than just "a" friend, but the whole "A" thing seems to be a theme here. Since my separation and divorce, I have met many incredible people. All of which have inspired me to be the girl that I was meant to be. I don't get to see my friends very often, but I know that they are there, and that they support me and love me, and only want to see me happy.

A church: I love my church. I am so grateful to have something to believe in. Something to worship, and that inspires me to be a better person. I am grateful for Prophets that lead me and guide me in what's right. I am grateful for Temples, and the healing qualities that they hold. I am grateful for the gospel, and for my testimony, and for the testimonies of those around me that strengthen me. I am grateful for God, for allowing His son, Jesus Christ, to die for me, so that I may have the chance to live. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost that has been given to me to help me to make the right choices. And I am grateful that I was given the gift of repentence for those times that I don't. I couldn't imagine a life without the Gospel, but I am so, so grateful that I don't have to.

My list consisted of several others things, but to cause you the boredom, I won't continue. Christmas came and went, and it was perfect. This year was Jaymeson's year with Jayah, and we got to plan the most perfect Christmas for her. I never knew how much fun it could be to plan Christmas for a child. And this Christmas was definitely all about Jayah.

Right after Thanksgiving, Jaymeson and I put together a tree to surprise Jayah with the next time she came over. We didn't have a star at first, but soon after we went out a got a beautiful, bright, silver star, and also some stockings, and other decorations to get into the Christmas spirit.

Jaymeson and I spent weeks finding all the perfect gifts to get Jayah for Christmas. We got her pajamas, and a robe, and slippers, and clothing, and church clothing, and a tea set, and a tinkerbell journey with keys, and all sorts of other things that she would be excited about. (Next time I'll remember to be more like my mom and keep track of what we got, and which gift is wrapped which way. But I do have to admit, it was kind of a fun surprise to see what we bought her on Christmas morning.) We (well, Jaymeson) wrapped everything up beautifully and hid it under his bed for the time being. That didn't last very long, because Jayah got some sneakiness from her daddy and quickly found ways to sneak into her presents. Needless to say, coal was threatened, and then they were moved. ;) 

Jayah and I even got to go shopping for Jaymeson. I asked Jayah what she wanted to get Jaymeson for Christmas, and all she wanted to get him was make up, and barbies, and nail polish, and a GUITAR. She wasn't going to stop until we got her dad that black guitar that he wanted, just like on her t-shirt. I eventually had to tell her that MeeMa already got him a black guitar so that she could focus on a more realistic gift for him. BAD IDEA. She tried so hard to keep it a secret, but Jaymeson tricked it out of her. Jayah and I were determined to find something else for him that would be a surprise. But.. apparently she's not a huge fan of Christmas shopping because she fell asleep in the cart and slept for 3 hours! We eventually got him a Gingerbread house kit so that they could make it together. We practiced and practiced keeping it a secret, but when we went grocery shopping the next day, we walked past the Gingerbread houses and she yelled "Dad, that's what we got you!" Fail. Maybe when she's older. ;)

On Christmas Eve, the three of us watched all of the Christmas Classics. Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Santa Clause, and The Little Drummer Boy. Then Jayah and I made cookies for Santa. She was so worried about getting them done perfectly, and that there were enough for Santa (and still enough for her to have later). It was fun. Then we set out the cookies and the milk for when he came that night. After the cookies were ready, the three of us sat down to tell the true story of Christmas. Jaymeson and I read to Jayah from Matthew in the Bible, and talked about the significance of giving gifts on Christmas day, and the star on top of the tree, and why Jesus was born in a manger. And then we each got to open one gift. Pajamas. Just like my mom used to do. We taught Jayah to be grateful for a warm bed to sleep in, and warm pajamas, and loving parents who provide for her. It may have been a little much for a three year old, but I think it will be a lesson she will always remember.

 

Then we went over to Jaymeson's family's home. Every year for Christmas, Jaymeson's mom hosts a sleepover. All the siblings, spouses, and kids come over and watch movies, and sleep over, and making treats for Christmas Day. This year was kind of crazy, and all of us were running a little late, but it was still so much fun. Jill and I stayed up pretty much all night putting everything together for Christmas morning. Jayah even got to talk to Santa Clause, and we even heard the bells from Santa's reindeer during the night. It was so much fun!

We woke up at 5 the next morning to open presents. It was so much fun to see Jayah and Jaxen getting so excited about all of their little gifts. We each opened presents one by one, and it was so exciting! Jaymeson got the guitar he has been wanting for years, and I got him front row and center tickets to his favorite band--Zac Brown. He was very excited! Jayah and both of Jaymeson's brothers also got guitars. Look out world, here comes ROUSH! Jayah got a big barbie dollhouse, along with other fun things. And I got, well, spoiled. Jaymeson definitely out-did himself. I'm not even going to write down all the things that he got me because I feel bad that he spent so much time and money on spoiling me. But I guess I deserve it because I always spoil him. ;)

After family Christmas time, Jaymeson and I took Jayah back home for our own little Christmas. Jayah got to open more gifts, and have her stocking, and I got spoiled even more by Jaymeson. After opening gifts, Jaymeson set up Jayah's dollhouse, while she raiding her toys, and I crashed on the couch.

Everything was perfect. Incredible even. I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas. I am so grateful for every moment about that weekend, and hope that every year gets to be just as magical.

Coming up: Meet the Parents, Part 1.

They call it love.

We are all a little weird

and life's a little weird

and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours

we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness

and call it love.

-Dr. Seuss